The past few weeks have been rough here. Just when you think the tides of change toward good arise, the enemy rears his ugly head once more. He is just relentless isn't he? But he is no match for the Lord! Because their is restoration and deliverance in my house, satan is stirred and utterly pissed off. Breaking up marriages and families is his delight and aim. He was unsuccessful and he sits by and stews over it. But not so much that he doesn't change tactics and make futile attempts to do more harm. That being said, I again come humbly before anyone reading and ask that you lift us to the alter. That God would empower, strengthen and equip us to put satan under our feet....where he belongs and is destined to be for all eternity. Hallelujah!
I have reflected lately on where God has rescued me from, and I can still sit in awe and amazement. It's so good for us to recall where we were. It makes where we are going so much clearer and easier to strive toward.
I am much simpler then I was. I am far more broken and therefore that much stronger. Stronger because I know that the hand in which I hold, King Jesus' ,is the only hand worth holding, loving, and dieing for! It's because of the cross that we can have REAL hope in Heaven!
Last night I was in church and frankly in a really stale place in my spirit. Relentless attacks from satan, adjustments in my home, and plain mundane stuff had me by the throat. I was at church, but wanted to be anywhere else but there. All of the mundane was responsible for this place I was in, yes. But there was more. I was looking square in the face, that just 22 months ago Macsen had gone ahead home. This grief thing sucks. It comes up to bite you in the butt out of nowhere sometimes. Not that I was ever "over it". You never are... but you get to places of more peace and certainty of their happiness vs. yours, and then things aren't "so bad". But lately my heart has been with Macsen. Long, far away from these early morning trips to take my girls to school, or the nights on the floor playing games....I have been with Macsen in my head and heart. So the other night at church I just was so sick and tired of Megan and her whiny attitude that I had to just get before God and tell Him I love Him and worship Him knowing it was the very thing my little guy was doing and knowing that getting my eyes on Him were nothing but good for me! So as I dove in head first to worship, it was no time at all that I was lost in it. Lost and suddenly had a very clear vision in my mind:
Jesus standing before me, and in His arms He held a sweet little man. He looked nearly 2. Very alive. Very sweet and happy. Very boy : ). They both stood before me waving, and saying "Hello!", as they gestured "hello" with their hands. You know how much more animated and interactive you are when you are with small children...you motion the way you hope them to copy you?! In that moment I was being given a peace shower . Covered from head to toe with nothing but Him, His promises, and His encouragement to keep, keepin' on!
Shortly later I was taking my very active 6 year old to the restroom. She is very independent, of course, and asked that I just wait for her in the lobby. I reluctantly did and leaned up against the back wall to be in clear view for her while still not "hovering" over her. Waiting several feet away was a young mom that I had been acquainted with years ago. She and I were pregnant together and she was due shortly after Macsen was "due". Being that Macsen was stillborn just one week from his due date, you can imaging the relative closeness in age that these 2 babies would have been in. She ended up having a boy, and he is very healthy and strong. So as she and her little guy stood there, of course I see him and think (you can't help to really) of the size that Macsen would be now. Different looking yes, but so similar in size and development. I told myself not to look at him, as I knew it would be hard...but just as I had that thought I looked anyway. Just as I did, he and his mom were parting ways with someone they knew. And like all little one's he was very happy to display his involvement in the exit, even if he didn't fully grip what that was. He stood strong on his own, wearing "all boy" clothes, and waved biggly, and suredly and said loudly "hi"! So cute...they were leaving and he was saying hi?! (At least that was what I heard.) I quickly spotted my Mia, and off we went to her class. The quicker I get away, the better, I thought.
About an hour later I was in my bible study class, engulfed in the teaching and very much with my head on the Kingdom. It was in that moment that the Holy Spirit made the connection in my head, heart, and spirit:
Macsen is happy. He is with me! He is waiting to see you,
but encouraging you and cheering you on from on high!
Whoa! It was really all I could do to not break out in tears...but why? Really?
He is F I N E!
And eager to see me thrive and persevere for the glory of our King!
To anyone needing encouragement: this vision is for you too! I am not the only one with a voice on high praying for me! We all have one. Little or big, old, or young....Jesus is there, and He alone is seeking the Father for favor for me and for YOU! Remember that ....
Remember: HOLD FAST... help is on the way!