The Greatest Blessing

M.I.A. (and no I am not talking about my daughter . lol)

2010-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

Wow....feels surreal being on here. Not all together sure why I am either. Maybe it's because I feel bad that I have dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe it's because I am outrageously lonely and depressed right now. Or maybe it's because Macsen's HOME day is rapidly approaching. Whatever the case...here I am.

I first want to apologize for my "absence". Life has marched on whether I like it or not and I have been working really hard to make money, raise precocious daughters alone, finalize a divorce and ultimately...NOT GO CRAZY! Sadly, I have failed pretty much at all of the above. I am over whelmed and tired and quite frankly: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! : )

Tonight I just want to say hello. I miss this and I don't if that makes sense. The ministry has really had to take a back seat because I have little people to feed and the ministry wasn't doing that. I will hopefully get more frequent on here....if nothing else to share my testimony about how hard things can be, and yet somewhere in it all....God is still there. Even if, for the moment, you feel as I do like He might have gone on vacation as far as you are concerned. LOL

sweet dreams and good night all.....

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Loved. Strong. Able. Inspiring. Lovable. Incredible. Devoted. Amazing. Thoughtful. Beautiful. Encouraging. Resourceful. Creative. Doting. Energizing. Thorough. Selfless. Hopeful. Committed. Important. Blessed.

If you are a mommmy, of babies here. Or babies in Heaven....you are all of these...

and so much more!

Happy Mother's Day

{Please leave a note-tell your name, & then name all of those sweet babies you have! I'll start:}

Hi, my name is Megan. I have THREE babies! Mia Brooke 7, Maizy Bly 4, and Macsen Danforth...living with Jesus since Dec. 2007. Until we meet again sweet little man! I love all three of you! I am so blessed!

{HE IS RISEN}

2010-04-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

I am praying we all have a peaceful and hopeful Easter! That today we would be washed anew with the great Love that was shown to us, and the awesome power Jesus had to concquer death and the grave! He has given us that same power if we live for Him! JESUS POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT THAT WE WOULD KNOW AND WALK IN THAT POWER AND AUTHORITY MORE INTENSELY! TO YOU BE THE GLORY!

{First time at this!}

2010-03-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

So no kidding...I am crazy for doing this, but I posted my first try at the "Vlogging" thing. (Hate that name btw)

Just want to add here....I didn't mention the ministry because, I guess in my head and heart it totally goes without saying that I am still doing that, and planning to unto I physically can not. Unfortunately, it isn't a great source of income for me and I am seeking other things out on the side! It doesn't mean that it couldn't maybe be the FULL TIME income thing one day! I pray for that daily! But until then, I wanted to share some ideas I have and ask you guys to join me in asking God to order my steps!

Okay...so here it goes! Oh and also...next time I promise to wear make up! ugh!
Oh and don't forget to roll down to bottom to Playlist and pause the O SO AWESOME TUNES before watching! Thanks! Bye!

First time from Megan Gebhardt on Vimeo.

{Run the Race}

2010-03-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Note: scroll to bottom of Playlist and click PAUSE. Then read the following post and hit play on movie clip. (Bear with the first minute...kinda just "there".)

So much I would like to jot down here...so much is going on in my life. The emotions and trials I face are great....but He is Greater. So I am only, for now, going to share with you something that inspired me as a child, and I didn't even know it. Then I saw it again later in life and only then realized just how much it made that impact on me! Many of you may remember the movie done in the early '80's called Chariots of Fire. It was unapologetically a Christian movie, with an intensely faith based message. It won much acclaim, and I look back upon it in my minds eye often as a reminder. The sad truth is that in this "wordly" world we live there is no likely way that movie would do as well today....maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe not. But none the less, it was Christ that was glorified in it. How many of those do you see anymore?

Lately I have been really asked to walk through some dark. The awesome part in doing that is that I am walking CLOSER now with God in it, then when times have been good. That's just the way it works I guess? I no less, then anyone want to have a smooth, happy, tear free, stress less life. But actually, it's all of those things that bring you to that place that make you a stronger person/disciple/believer in His goodness and truth. I wanna be all of those things. I wanna be a "Rock Star" in all of those things to God! (My youngest actually walked up to me the other morning after I finished puttin' on my jewelry and "face" and said "mommy.....you are such a rock star!!!!!" sigh....love her! I want to be that way for God though too. Meaning....I just want to shine bright, have all of the attention I get to aim the focus directly back to the deserving One.)

In this life we will have trouble. But take heart, I have over come the world.

We each have much to endure in this life. But He is there. He is loving us through it all. He is giving us strength through it all. Whether we see or feel it or not. I know for myself, I feel so much of a connection with His presence while worshipping. Yes, hands held high singing out to Him. But worship is more then that....we can worship Him in all we say and do. It's a mindset. When I get focused on a creative endeavor, or a small artsy project....when I sit down to do a box...I feel His pleasure, as the movie says. When we swim in the ocean of His love and gifts He has given us....we are worshipping! FYI...worship is supposed to be fun ya know?!!!! It is....He gave us the desires and talents so we would enjoy Him and use it to share with others. I am believing Him that that is how He is going to make it that these girls and I are fead, clothed, and taken care of. His provision, and His alone!!!! So I'm purposely doing alot of creative things as of late. To be in that sweet spot with my Daddy. His presence is the ONLY place I care to be anymore.

It doesn't hurt there.

I wanted to show the clip from the movie that spoke about His pleasure, but I couldn't find one. This one is no less great, however. I am asking God to sear it to my heart tonight. I needed to hear this so very much tonight, Jesus. Thank you. I hope it speaks to you too...enjoy.....

{The Journey}

2010-03-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

So I promise to really be better about getting on here more and doing some needed writing. It's so good for my head to write about this Journey I am on. I did have the privilage of contributing on a project, and I wanna share....check it out!

Thank you Lindsay!

{PrAyEr}

2010-02-21T21:27:00.000-08:00

So I have been so stretched lately. I miss writing on here....so much. Soon I will. But truly right now I need some specifics in prayer! Please pray that...

God will show His mighty hand of favor and blessing concerning the "details" of this divorce and any "support" I am to get- favor on my attorney and her wisdom
That God would direct my steps and use my talents and gifts (ministry, yes, but also doing Faux wall finishes/furniture refinishing for income) to make it that I can make some $ and be independent of any man and rely souly on God as my provision
That my girls would lean heavily into God as their "daddy" and see Him in all His faithfulness and glory and not blame me for this road-that super naturally God would reveal TRUTH to them in tender doses and they would be cooperative with me in this transition
I would be filled with FREAKISH hope and faith!!! (That is a continual prayer of mine, actually). I am losing both on occasion....slowly andpetrified of being without all that my God has promised me and my babies....

In short I know Iam in need of prayer.....

I will keep you posted....if you pray, please pray HARD for me and mine!!!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..............

{HiS pReSeNcE}

2010-01-18T19:48:00.001-08:00

I know it has been a while since my last post, and several of the last have been quite raw and well....ugly. Life is ugly sometimes though. There is so much to say, good and bad, and so many things that I am sifting through. Frankly lately, I have just felt like running away. Just to run away and take a break from my life. To be ushered off into a place of freedom. So tonight instead of posting about the "good and the bad" of my reality, I am running away....

I think being this my 100th post, it is perfectly appropriate. I have called it:

________________________________________________________________

HIS PRESENCE

I know this girl. She isn't like most. Atleast she didn't used to be. She wasn't always so self conscience. Once she used to actually know who she was. What she wanted. She used to be the girl you wanted to be. There was little to nothing that moved her from her place in life. She didn't really know what she wanted but she was okay with that, and felt freedom in just searching life for what it had to offer her. All it had to offer her! She owned every move she made. There wasn't anything that she wasn't willing to try. And as exciting and free as that sounded, that wasn't necessarily always "a friend" to her. She lived as though there was nothing or no one that could get in her way. Zero consequences in life. No ramifications for choices made. Even the bad ones. She did her thing, and she did it with heart. Passion. She lived to live! It was fun. For a while anyway..... but somewhere along the way her freedom felt more like a cage. It was sudden, really. It crept up on her like a shadow in the night. It was never there before. Where had it come from? She didn't know, she just knew that it was there and it wasn't going away! As if that weren't bad enough, there in that cage with her were things she had never known before either. Discomfort was there. Anxiety was in there. She was surrounded by insecurity and felt almost sat on by despair. There was nothing familiar in this cage with her. They were all new inmates with her and they never left her alone. Heckling her....teasing her, badgering her at every opportunity. She was face to face with loneliness. It felt so dark. So sad....

One unexpected night, something happened. SomeONE happened really. there she was in her cage, sad and alone and so far from the girl she had once been. When in came the presence of someone she had never known! She had always heard of Him. Thought about Him even....but never had she known His actual presence. In His presence she felt none of those things that had haunted her in that cage. Every bit of it had left. She stood there, alone in His presence and felt a newness that she too had never felt. She felt strong, hopeful. She felt peace. She felt like she was fully alive and filled with this sensation of royalty that words really would only weakly describe it's enormity. She felt whole, and she most certainly felt free from her cage. No longer was she to dwell in that darkness. In His presence she was like a wild horse set free to run in the mountains! The girl she had once been, even was a pail comparison to this majestic and light filled wild horse she had now become.

That freedom was intoxicating. It was oxygen to her and she breathed it in fully! The landscape of freedom before her was breathe taking and she felt more at home there then ever any other place. With that beautiful freedom though does come the unpredictable storms. The night air can bring a chill and stir the clouds in such a way that a thunder storm is brewed. Yet never in those storms is she alone. She knows that. The rich royalty blood that flows through her never lets her forget that. She is always watched and waited on, really. That presence she encountered is there. No less now then that first night that she encountered it. He is the light in the lightening. He is the thunder in the thunder. And somehow, in all of the drops of rain and in the gushing winds, He is strengthening His wild horse. Strengthening her to be more like Him. Stronger, more beautiful, and freer then anything she could even imagine.....and when the storm lets up her freedom will be more then she ever conceived. It will be higher, wider and deeper then even the bluest skies!

{FaCeBoOk ThOuGhTs}

2009-12-30T20:33:00.000-08:00

So lately, I have been venturing deeply, into the Facebook world. My goodness....so many names I recognize, with faces that have changed so much. Time has changed their eyes, bodies, and expressions. It made me think about mysef. How different do I look to all of them as well? What stands out the most? Because we are around ourselves all the time...so the changes we see are evident and clear to us. But by the same token, because we are around ourselves all the time, I think we miss noticing alot that others spot immediately. I don't so much care about anyone's opinion of me. (Unless of course they wanna tell me how smokin' I'm lookin' especially being that I am a mommy of 3, or tell me how I haven't changed a bit! HA! Then, I'm open to the comments by all means! lol). Truthfully, knowing their opinion of how changed I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually has me far more gripped with interest then anything else. It's what I most care about. Because truely....if they knew me way back when, then it is likely that they would not AT ALL recognize me now! You know why? I hope it's because they see that I am a new creature:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

~2 Corinthians 5:17

Megan is night and day from the one that most of those people knew. God has put me through some serious training courses in a very short period of time! Intense storms, brutal fires...not because He is mad at me, or making me pay for my immense wrong. On the contrary. Instead He has allowed me to go though them so that I would come out refined. As gold....shiny and bright and more brilliant then if everything had been perfect!

In the midst of any of these trials, believe me when I say that doubt whispers it's wicked voice. Often there are questions of faith and suspicion of this "everlasting love" this God has for me? All lies! As a parent, because we love our babies we give them discipline. We allow them to feel their own consequences after poor decisions have been made. We allow them to feel hurt. Pain. Suffering. Not because we like it. But rather because we love them that much!

God is no different. He authored parenting. He authored love.

So tonight, as possible Facebook "ghosts from my past" read this blog, and see that,
yes my life has had struggles.....and that

time has left it's marks on my face and body, and in my eyes...

my marriage is over.

my son was stillborn and lives in Heaven now.

my future is unsure.

and yet, YES I am a Christian.

One that knows that her Abba loves her and is seeking His best for her, inspite of all the dark that she has had to endure.

She has endured none of it alone. None. Never will she ever!

I pray that anyone that reads this blog sees a God that loves them even when it "looks" other wise. That you remember the great price that was paid for you on the cross of Calvary so that HE could share eternity with you. And until then, you could share in the victory and righteousness that He bought for you to wear here. Now.

So I try and remember to reflect on this as I "surf" Facebook. Every statement I make is a witness to those in my past, present, and future. I will still be real and express some of my trials and silly thoughts. That shows off my humaness. But two, I will share my faith and my hope. That shows off my King!

{FaiThFul ChRiStMaS}

2009-12-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

Rest assured that I will never cease to be outrageously honest in whatever I write, for as long as I am given a stage to do so. And so, appropriately, to be BRUTALLY honest, this Christmas hurts. The tree lights are on, but I am walking through a great deal of darkness right now. The Christmas music is playing loud and clear, but my heart is broken. The festivities are taking place, but I am wishing I were locked away from everyone and that the holidays were over already. (If you knew me well...you would know that that is a far cry from who I am. I AM the biggest goober for Christmas that there ever was! At least I used to be....)

Absolutely I miss Macsen. He is so worthy of the incredible void I feel, even as I mommy these sweet girls. I look at them and love them so, but missing him is ALWAYS there.

I have a little boy! A boy that I would love to be tackling in the living room. Love to be dressing like a little athlete. Love to be teaching how to treat a lady, from the "yes mam's", to the "thank yous". And so, so much more......

Macsen....I miss you. ***crying*** My life is so different because of you, and your life. So much more pain, and yet, I am so much better for how it has all played out within me. I wanna see your eyes open up and SEE ME! Your mommy! I wish I could hold your handsomeness in my arms, and talk to you. Rock you to sleep......I love doing that. I love you....

The reality is... life is hard. And to be honest and transparent (cause why on earth be anyway else?) here it goes..... my marriage is finally all but over.

Faithful is something that he is incapable of being, apparently. My heart feels like it is in perpetual break-mode. My future is foggy. I am truthfully, scared. Unsure. Hesitant. Ten years of my life, gone. Do I seriously picture myself EVER putting myself "out there" again, and GIVING my heart to someone so transparently as I have in this? I am trembling at the thought of that tonight......

But the thought of not loving someone, not being intimate....

I think that scares me more. I love LOVE. I have only known it twice, and I think I have only really received it once!? From a man I mean......and it wasn't this man or this marriage. How sad is that....

Here's the deal: Life sucks sometimes! (I should create a line of greeting cards with stuff like that in it! LOL Because lets get real.....life isn't all picket fences and candy canes for some of us all the time! Call it: Feelin' Like Crap Cards ...I am atleast laughing at that! Anyone else....?).

I know that I want to go out having been someone that dreamed big, lived large, gave herself up for, believed the best in people and loved unabashedly! I can still do that. I can pick myself up, lean in on my VERY big God, and with the strength, vision, and faith that He gives me....press on! And live to see a happy ending one day.

I know Christmas is much more then being about my comfort and everything being like a Martha Stewart Magazine party. But I do know it is all about me! It's all about YOU too.... and all about the greatest love that has ever, or will ever be shown anyone of us! He gave us His only son. I can imagine, and imagine well, that that was not easy. May we all grasp it, grip it, and glory in it this Christmas....what a price has been paid that we might know you God?! And know you well! That's what you long for....

You .....who are SO FAITHFUL!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23

Jesus....that you would leave Heaven to come to know where I dwell and hurt....what love. But that you would take my wrath....how in the world could I not be smitten with you and all that you are!

YOU ARE LOVE!

I LOVE YOU!

{OnE DaY}

2009-12-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

Two short years ago tonight, my sweet little man, Macsen, went Home to be with Jesus.

It was busy day. I had a very head-strong little girl to run to and fro at school. Another lover littler girl to tote around as we did some much needed Christmas shopping. All of which, mind you- I was doing while being A HOUSE! I (partly) kid about the fact that that little boy had such an appetite. I distinctly remember one night shortly before "tonight", I had made Maizy's favorite, spaghetti with turkey meat sauce. It is typical on such a night, for her to go back for huge seconds, and the whole family really would go on and on about it! So you might imagine it shocking and humorous to watch me, (looking like a house, remember....I gained almost 60 pounds with him. I know- stop hyperventilating) go back for FOURTHS! We didn't want to know the sex of the baby, but that should have been a slam dunk clue,eh?! the boy, was all boy!

Well tonight, 2 years ago, I was on my kitchen floor, practically having to do yoga just to wrap the simplest of gifts. It was miserable, and I voiced it loud, and often. Less then 24 hours later, however, I was wishing/praying/pleading/begging to be that miserable again! After all, it was a far cry from what my heart was currently enduring and would endure in the days and weeks and months, and I see now, years after....

All I know to say tonight is this: having a child go before you......royally sucks! Hate it...with every fiber of who I am.

My comfort?

He is in PARADISE.

Luke 23:42-43 Then he said, : Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom".

Jesus answered him and said, "I tell you there truth, TODAY you will be with me in paradise".

He is with his CREATOR.

Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.

I will be with him ONE DAY.

2 Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

It's just hard not wanting that ONE DAY to be today......

*Tonight, I post also, the first 7 songs on my playlist (below) that "sing" most to me in this sea of grieving my only boy. I hope you will take time to stop. Listen. Hear the words of each...they are so good, and better convey my heart and where I am, want to be, and will be One Day with all of this....... The first song is most definately the ministry "theme" song. I knew it the second I heard it, which was just 2 weeks after "tonight".

Tomorrow I actually held him. A dream really. I was like a 3 year old little girl. Suddenly I realized I have NOTHING in my control. It sealed the deal for my faith, really though. Ironic, yes! I ask that you PLEASE pray for me. I will not be posting for a bit as to just absorb all of this crap, called my life. I know I am not alone...I am being carried! Thank you.....

Macsen, I SO love you! My handsome, bruiser boy! I will see you soon!

Happy 2nd birthday!

{mInIsTrY oF tHe MoNtH}

2009-12-01T11:12:00.000-08:00

My sweet Macsen went Home this month just 2 short years ago. So it is with tears in my eyes, that I reflect back on ALL that God has done since then. And to see all the beauty He has brought from my ashes.....

It is a real honor and pleasure for me to share with you, my friend, the Duet Diva. She is an amazingly gifted photographer, writer, friend, and disciple of Christ. She is full of life and the celebration of it! So you can imagine my excitement when she asked if she could put
The Greatest Blessing up as her "Ministry of the Month". Each month she highlights a ministry and shares it with her "blog world" as a way of getting the word out there.

The link to her announcement is here at, When a Duet Becomes a Trio Blog .
(See also the 'I Am a Faithful' button to direct left.)

In light of recent events, and in the anniversary month of my little mans exodus Home, this has blessed my socks off! Thank you Duet Diva!

{aTtItUdE cHaNgE}

2009-11-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here.....YEA! (sarcasm) Wish my attitude were better about it, but it just isn't. Now if I had a one way ticket to Aspen maybe I could get a little "WOOP WOOP" out. But...that's just a daydream. (I'm entitled to daydream....check out that picture! sigh)

There is a lot contributing to this 'tude I have about the holidays....but mainly I am just weary from all of life's struggles. How on earth people get through without knowing Jesus, and feeling Him walk with them is totally beyond me! I would be a wreck. I likely would not even still be alive. My attitude stinks, but I can make the most of it. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite times of year. There is something about the way everyone embraces life through the festivities that has just always sung to my soul. Why can't we be that way all the time? It's a love/hate thing now that I have about my Macsen going Home around Christmas though. I think, "how appropriate that he went there when we celebrate when Jesus came here", but then I think of how much I want him here to celebrate with his 2 big sissys and daddy and mommy that love and miss him so. But I know his celebration there, far surpasses any we could have here. (It's just me feelin' a bit sorry for myself is all. And that's okay sometimes I think. It's not like I lost my sucker! My son is not here to have and hold!)

I will make a choice, however, to press into the One that is clearly the only reason I have any strength to have done anything I have done up until this point. I will make the food, and have the things planned to make the holidays magical and lovely for my babies. I can do that....and I bet in the process I will have my heart changed.

Today is as good as I choose for it to be. Believing' in a heart change from the One that can do it. He can do anything!!!!!

{tHe ArTiClE}

2009-11-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

A year ago this weekend ....

Sigh...I wish that because another year has already passed it means that things are easier somehow. It's not so much. Just another year closer to me being with my boy!

That's a good thing!

{PrAyInG GoD's wOrD}

2009-11-05T11:39:00.001-08:00

Hello to all in blog world! I have been M.I.A as of late- huh?!! Not really, just very busy doing some fine tuning for ministry and getting my wits about me in my personal life. (I've pretty much given up on that ever happening though! HA! Just kidding...not really!)

Ok....so quick post. I need to get my hind end together and get the pics for the studio up here. I know, I know...I said it was gonna be this time, but alas, it's not. : ( I WILL do it shortly and WOW you all with how cute it is! If I do say so myself. : )

So, Living Proof Ministries , i.e. Beth Moore is quite possible one of the most awe inspiring ministries out there and has had direct impact on my life. I mentioned that I was in touch with them about getting the Praying God's Word Day by Day book to be donated in a large quantity, that I may place a copy in every box! (How cool would that be?!!!!) The ladies I dealt with were so gentle and thoughtful and certainly did all that they could do. Because of Beth's immense popularity, and I assume also the recent craze over this particular book, she was able to donate a few, but a great deal less then I was hoping for. Their ministry gets so many requests and they are unable to fill all of them, understandably. I would be lieing if I didn't say how very bummed I was about that. This book is really the meat of the box. God's word...sharper then any two edged sword, and totally God's love letter to each of these precious ladies. However, all is not lost! With my EIN number I will be able to go directly to the publisher and get a "ministry discount" on a large order. (Large being 75 plus books!) I figured the total to come to something like $700. A lot, yes, but well worth it! Now I have been praying about what to do. Just knee jerk reaction and buy them out right now?! The ministry account has that, and it could totally be covered. OR...step out in faith and believe that God is going to move in the heart/hearts of people to give for such a worthy cause! I am putting it out there to have others join me in praying for such favor. If the money were raised exclusively for the books, then the ministry account balance could continue to be used directly toward the supplies to make the boxes and the ever increasing gifts that go inside. Anyway you look at it, The Greatest Blessing will be blessed. If only half that amount were donated there is always the ministry account to fall back on and then the sting won't be as strong!

Prayer works, and I hope that my life and this ministry will be clear evidence to that! How thrilling it will be to offer, straight from the Father to these, possibly unsaved people.

On a lighter note, be on the look out for some updating on the blog. FINALLY! I know. I have been struggling to keep all the balls in the air in a smooth and seamless manner. (I am so not a juggler!) I am really new at ALL OF THIS! Bear with me, please.

I am always grateful to share the latest happenings with this ministry. It is indeed the way I can love my Macsen here on earth, and by giving my life away to others, I love my King! The One and only!My heart is so blessed and grateful for your prayers and encouraging words! You have no idea how much I am it edifies my spirit by those that take the time to email or leave a message. My home is not experiencing ultimate deliverance yet! It will, I believe...we serve a God that should very appropriately be called, The Extravagant One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He loves us so much....it is the only truth that keeps me going! Press on dear ones....

{i MiSs YoU}

2009-10-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Little man....I hate being apart from you! There is no nice/Christiany/strong/courageous way to say it! I MISS YOU!

I will be with you one day though!

I love my Macsen! My only boy....mommy loves you so! You are a mighty soldier and a saint!

Today, as I do everyday....I remember you!

I miss you!

{tRaInInG cAmP}

2009-10-11T20:14:00.001-07:00

So I would like to say that I have been away on a extended trip to Italy, living in 200 year old villa, getting in with the locals, but....I haven't! (Sounds like a fine time though, huh? sigh) In all actuality I have been running kids to and from school, dance class, making healthy meals, sifting through the excesses we have accumulated over the years and adjusting to and embracing all the humanness of myself and my husband and the great deal of stuff we are walking through. In all truth, it's been daunting. Hard. Unglamorous. It has been real life. The real life of a Christian.

Did things get harder or easier for you as you started your walk with Christ? Cause mine, after I got serious about it, got harder. Harder in that the battle with my flesh was never more real. I became acutely aware of the war that was waging against my very soul. I am so glad I chose the right team to play for. It still doesn't change the fact that training camp is rough.

Training camp has been wearing on me lately. My spirit has been restless and frankly impatient. I thought the "gimme-gimmie's" and the "I want it and I want it now's" were supposed to stop when we became adults. Not so. Not with me anyway. Thank goodness His mercies are new everyday, huh?!

God is good. He has been holding me a lot lately. Whispering encouragement to me knowing that training camp has me run ragged lately. The ministry has been slower as of late. Of course I like that because it would seem there are little to no babies that are having to be released into His arms. But I really believe God has given me a breather lately. He knows how much energy restoring a marriage is. He knows that I have a real spirit of excellence that wants to make the boxes all that they can be, and have the ministry run in a way that is as efficient and effective as possible. I have spent a lot of time pulling together my studio. It's nothing you might find on HGTV, but I am proud of it's creation from a low budget, it's warmth, order, and personality. It's somewhere I feel free and creative. That's what it's all about. Be looking for a soon coming post with pictures! Yeah!

Training camp is hard. But it is temporary. If you are struggling, feeling worn and tired - keep pressing in to the One that gives us all we need!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Phillipians 4:13

{vIsIoN}

2009-09-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been rough here. Just when you think the tides of change toward good arise, the enemy rears his ugly head once more. He is just relentless isn't he? But he is no match for the Lord! Because their is restoration and deliverance in my house, satan is stirred and utterly pissed off. Breaking up marriages and families is his delight and aim. He was unsuccessful and he sits by and stews over it. But not so much that he doesn't change tactics and make futile attempts to do more harm. That being said, I again come humbly before anyone reading and ask that you lift us to the alter. That God would empower, strengthen and equip us to put satan under our feet....where he belongs and is destined to be for all eternity. Hallelujah!

I have reflected lately on where God has rescued me from, and I can still sit in awe and amazement. It's so good for us to recall where we were. It makes where we are going so much clearer and easier to strive toward.

I am much simpler then I was. I am far more broken and therefore that much stronger. Stronger because I know that the hand in which I hold, King Jesus' ,is the only hand worth holding, loving, and dieing for! It's because of the cross that we can have REAL hope in Heaven!

Last night I was in church and frankly in a really stale place in my spirit. Relentless attacks from satan, adjustments in my home, and plain mundane stuff had me by the throat. I was at church, but wanted to be anywhere else but there. All of the mundane was responsible for this place I was in, yes. But there was more. I was looking square in the face, that just 22 months ago Macsen had gone ahead home. This grief thing sucks. It comes up to bite you in the butt out of nowhere sometimes. Not that I was ever "over it". You never are... but you get to places of more peace and certainty of their happiness vs. yours, and then things aren't "so bad". But lately my heart has been with Macsen. Long, far away from these early morning trips to take my girls to school, or the nights on the floor playing games....I have been with Macsen in my head and heart. So the other night at church I just was so sick and tired of Megan and her whiny attitude that I had to just get before God and tell Him I love Him and worship Him knowing it was the very thing my little guy was doing and knowing that getting my eyes on Him were nothing but good for me! So as I dove in head first to worship, it was no time at all that I was lost in it. Lost and suddenly had a very clear vision in my mind:

Jesus standing before me, and in His arms He held a sweet little man. He looked nearly 2. Very alive. Very sweet and happy. Very boy : ). They both stood before me waving, and saying "Hello!", as they gestured "hello" with their hands. You know how much more animated and interactive you are when you are with small children...you motion the way you hope them to copy you?! In that moment I was being given a peace shower . Covered from head to toe with nothing but Him, His promises, and His encouragement to keep, keepin' on!

Shortly later I was taking my very active 6 year old to the restroom. She is very independent, of course, and asked that I just wait for her in the lobby. I reluctantly did and leaned up against the back wall to be in clear view for her while still not "hovering" over her. Waiting several feet away was a young mom that I had been acquainted with years ago. She and I were pregnant together and she was due shortly after Macsen was "due". Being that Macsen was stillborn just one week from his due date, you can imaging the relative closeness in age that these 2 babies would have been in. She ended up having a boy, and he is very healthy and strong. So as she and her little guy stood there, of course I see him and think (you can't help to really) of the size that Macsen would be now. Different looking yes, but so similar in size and development. I told myself not to look at him, as I knew it would be hard...but just as I had that thought I looked anyway. Just as I did, he and his mom were parting ways with someone they knew. And like all little one's he was very happy to display his involvement in the exit, even if he didn't fully grip what that was. He stood strong on his own, wearing "all boy" clothes, and waved biggly, and suredly and said loudly "hi"! So cute...they were leaving and he was saying hi?! (At least that was what I heard.) I quickly spotted my Mia, and off we went to her class. The quicker I get away, the better, I thought.

About an hour later I was in my bible study class, engulfed in the teaching and very much with my head on the Kingdom. It was in that moment that the Holy Spirit made the connection in my head, heart, and spirit:

Macsen is happy. He is with me! He is waiting to see you,

but encouraging you and cheering you on from on high!

Whoa! It was really all I could do to not break out in tears...but why? Really?

He is F I N E!

And eager to see me thrive and persevere for the glory of our King!

To anyone needing encouragement: this vision is for you too! I am not the only one with a voice on high praying for me! We all have one. Little or big, old, or young....Jesus is there, and He alone is seeking the Father for favor for me and for YOU! Remember that ....

Remember: HOLD FAST... help is on the way!

{wOrShIp}

2009-09-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling very led to extend encouragement to someone reading. I know what it is like to still have days where pain rears it's ugly head and your mind can go to a place of real despair and sorrow. I actually just had a couple of those days this last week. Satan is relentless. But he isn't as relentless as our God!!! Gosh...He loves you so much!

There has not ever been a day that goes by that I do not think of my baby boy. There has yet to be a day that I do not miss him. There are very often thoughts that take me to the what if's. But... remembering where he is brings my heart joy. Remembering who he is with brings my heart peace. To know that these little ones that we love so much are being cared for by the very One that knit them in our womb and is the ONLY possible One that could love them even more then we do- what a balm to my broken heart that is. I pray it is for you too.

I can't remember if I shared the story of the morning I heard God speak so clearly into my heart or not. But I will share it again.

One morning very soon after Macsen went Home, I was in my bedroom folding laundry. (Not my all time favorite domestic chore mind you. But I try to do it with a grateful heart.

\Bahumbug. LOL)

I was folding the clothes and my head and heart were not there, they were with Macsen...or desperately trying to be, anyhow. I began to cry uncontrollable recalling the in fathomable hurt and trauma I had just endured. There are no words. Stillbirth. I cried out to God,"I don't want to do this anymore! I just want to be with Macsen, God! I want to be doing what he is doing!" As clearly as I have ever "heard" God speak to me He said without hesitation, "He is worshipping me." My heart was pounding out of my chest as I received the words that I reflect on now more then any other I have ever heard. If that is what he is doing, I thought....I want to be doing that.

I want to encourage us ALL today to do what I am very sure our sweet little ones are doing!

They are worshipping. They are a part of a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1) that are in paradise rooting for us to keep pressing on toward the goal!

Let's resolve today to worship! Turn up the music loud, sing with all of our hearts, and make satan shut his mouth as we praise the God that loves us so much that He actually died for us!

I can close my eyes and see my boy now!

Sing baby, sing!!!!!!! Until we meet again...I love you!

{PiEcEs Of My MiNd}

2009-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I come across a blog that mentions something about the fact that their current post is somewhat "random". Many thoughts tied together with little to no rhythm or flow. That would most definitely be what this is. Or what I call, Pieces of my mind.

I have a lot in my head and heart that I have been wanting to put down "on paper". You know originally this blog started out as my "journal". Somewhere along the way it became more. More in a good way. Good because of all the incredible people I have "met", encouraging stories I have read, and the unmistakable kinship I now have with so many whom also know what it feels like to have a little one living in Heaven. And the goodness and grace that can come from it.

There has been so much I have been meditating on throughout the last several months. It was about the time I got my hands on Crazy Love by Francis Chan. There are so many practical challenges threaded throughout the whole book. And the amazing thing is how his leading from Holy Spirit presents it in a way that is challenging, not condemning. I am so sick of books that go something like this: God is good. You are bad. Try harder!

WHAT? ICK!

Francis really puts it bluntly and stirred in me so very much. Including how even the stuff we put before our eyes (i.e. the computer) are forming our thinking in more ways then we fully recognize. Or rather creating us to possibly be lukewarm Christians. He challenges how ridiculously extravagantly it is that we are living in our $300. jeans, in a 3400 square foot homes for 3 people while many are in need of housing. He points out to us that just because lets say we are married to a really looked upto figure in the Christian community, or that because we have a really poetic way of "sounding" so spiritual that somehow that is being a desciple?! On and on and on He goes. It has caused me to pause and really step out of myself to look at who it I am really being. Interesting how we think nothing bad about being a fanatic for things like sports, clothes, tv shows, but we don't dare being fanatical about Jesus! (He only DIED for us! ***sarcasm***) Which brings me to the next "random" thing I have been thinking about.

Do I want to be on the computer for hours on end when the Lord comes back? Now, don't misunderstand....I realize that being on the computer is a very real part of many of our ministries, mine included. We've likely all been there- reading emails, writing posts, editing pictures, twittering unimportant thoughts? Huh...what are we doing? Dumb! But as I have been on here, teaching myself how to do ALL of it, I often see how much more is out there to learn. It's like I go to some blogs and I see all these gadgets and gizmo's, tricks and trinkets and I can see beyond them and recognize just how much time, effort, and did I mention TIME goes into getting all of that accomplished! Think about how much time is going into it all. Again...I love this resource but it is so easily the very thing that the enemy can turn to make an idol in our lives and hearts! Let me be very clear....being someone that has first hand felt the effects of what coming to very near divorce can do to you, TIME is something that many marriages and families are lacking. And it is something we do NOT have endless supplies of. It IS the most precious thing we have here on earth. So I go to these sites and one of two things has to be happening. Either spouses and children are missing out on someone or someone is staying up longer and spending more time doing "computer stuff" then likely should. (OUCH. Did I just say that?!)

It can become an idol though. Your ministry can become an idol! Really anything that we spend more time on that isn't worshipping, learning about, or edifying with God at the center=IDOL! I was at at bible study a few weeks ago, and one of the gals was candidly speaking about, when in the world did we think it made sense for everyone to have their own blog? Who cares? She went onto say, Megan...I can see why someone would go to yours because you keep it about encouragement, challenges, and obviously helping people with the boxes...But I knew better- in that moment to check my pride, and ask God to search my heart to see to it that God and God's people were to be the absolute heartbeat of why I do what I do. It can't be about me. Like she said so appropriately, Who cares?

I want Jesus to be on the throne of my heart. Not my blog. Not this ministry. God has given me the ministry, and it requires a great deal of time and thoughtfulness. I really aim to make all of that a time of worship. After all, the talents and abilities I have are God given anyhow, and it is a very organic overflow for me to make it part of my worship to Him, to use them.

So in segwaying into my next thought, in an effort to not make this blog or ministry an idol I have been led to edit my blog a bit. Something that has made me personally sense this as being more a popularity contest then a stage for me to simply share my testimony and my call to help others is the "followers" gadget. Now it would be really typical for some to have the thought, "well....she didn't have hardly any followers anyhow, (in terms of numbers)so of course she could say this." As true as that may be, I have 23 "followers" versus hundreds or thousands...I'm just frankly not seeing any spiritual reason to keep it there?! I am not doing this for popularity or a "following". I choose to allow the Holy Spirit to be behind ALL the tuggings in hearts to read this blog, pray for this ministry, and "follow" this journey I and my family are on called: life. I do pray this is not translating as judgement onto anyone else in favor of the "following" gadget, it so is not. This is what God has asked me to obey Him in doing. That gadget had a way of stroking pride within me. I want nothing to do with that.

The Greatest Blessing is a blessing to me beyond words. I want Jesus to get all the glory and fame from it that is possible! The very fact that I am being used in any capacity to be His hands and feet is humbling beyond appropriate words. He has taken the ashes and made something beautiful. He has redeemed my sons death and made it's sting fade.

I do long for this ministry to grow, and to be something that you will share with others that are being ushered down this dark and difficult road of mourning a baby. I pray each box is a great piece of light and salt to put into some very hurting hands.

That being said, I am excited to announce that I am sending a proposal to Living Proof Ministries_Beth Moore to see about getting then to team up with me. I have had many suggest putting a Holy Bible within the box, and to be perfectly honest I sort of cringed. Not because I don't believe that in this time of such pain many wouldn't get much from the truth. Obviously it would. But a Bible could be intimidating to someone not familiar with it at all. However, Beth wrote a book that I adore and feel strongly led to have in the box. It's called Praying God's Word Day by Day. Each entry is short, powerful and laced with real testimony of one that has lived without God and knows full well what a saving grace it is to know Him, love Him, and follow Him. Even when times are difficult. I spoke with one of Beth's assistants there at Living Proof and she thought it sounded like such a unique ministry, and one that they would most definitely desire to be a part of! (Excuse me while I jump up and down really quick!!!!!! I am a bit of a fan of Beth! She has been anointed to teach God's word and help many to know Him in a real way like no one I have ever heard! There are few that I feel can relate to the depth of pit God rescued me from like Beth Moore. I believe she most definately can relate!) So I do ask that you be in prayer with me, for God's favor and blessing that this would work out and that each box would be blessed to house a copy for all of it's recipients. It will be an addition I am most honored to give!

I am also seeking having something elegant and pampering in the bubble bath/lotion realm to add to the boxes. If anyone reading knows of a vendor that might be interested in teaming with me to help get something like that available to me to put in the boxes, I would be most grateful. Just email me the info at megan106@msn.com . And please keep your testimony emails coming in for me as well. Anyone that has had a box sent to them, or has been touched by The Greatest blessing in some way. I am going to get this blog up and running all the title bars seen up above. I am just trying to steward my time right. I know you understand . ; )

I also want to thank, Sue from My Forever Child for donating her largest quantity to date of lapel pins and coupons for any ministry! She is so generous and very gifted. I have seen how touched families are at these precious gems and I am blessed to continue to offer them. It was only a few weeks after my Macsen went Home that I came across her site and bought for myself something very dear to me that I wear every single day. A dog tag with Macsen Danforth etched onto it just below his hand print etching. His right hand....the one I picture holding Jesus'.

So I leave you with a quote my good friend put up on her Face Book the other day:

I am so grateful to God for the incredible gift of free will. Let's use it wisely....

{vErY gOoD}

2009-08-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

Alright....so I apologize for not getting an update of the walk up sooner. Life called and I am still trying to learn how to organize it all! There is still hope for me yet though. I believe! : )

The walk itself was such a blessing! For those of you lost, let me get you up to speed.

Forever In Our Hearts Remeberance Walk There...that should do it. : )

It was a cool morning, there was a real sense of His presence all over the place! It was such an honor to be there to help set a stage where these families babies could be remembered, and Jesus would be magnified. I actually imagined an onlooker seeing and hearing all that went on that day and they so must have scratched their heads at us "Christians" praising God and thanking Him for who He is, but yet little lives are no longer with us?! How does that work? How burdened with jealousy I am for them to know this same God. Yes the Lord giveth and yes He taketh away...but He gives way more then He takes. Heaven will be the clearest indication of that!

These families had a very lovely event to show off their boys. I am humbled to be a part of it. It was a holy day, and yet a sad one. Sad with fresh hurt. My dear friend Amy , the photographer for Now I lay Me Down to Sleep (the same that took Macsen's pictures), was about 11 weeks pregnant and found out the Thursday before the walk on Saturday that there was no longer a heartbeat. Clearly that is sad for anyone, but particularly here because she is the very one that started this walk. (Let that soak in for just a second...) She was given this dream and called by God to make this a thing to help families and to show compassion and love for these dear people hurting from something she has seen far more then most. And now God has made it that she can identify even more with them. With us.

The amazing thing was being up in front of this large crowd of people with her as she spoke with such raw pain. Many there had no clue about this new and private pain she was enduring. Those of us that did stood in awe. She spoke clearly and strongly to each family, and as the words from the paper poured off of her lips it was all you could do to not hear the words being spoken about these families boys, and picture the broken hearts of Amy and her husband John, who was also there.

God's ways are not our ways, huh? And yet....He is still good. Very good.

The day utterly delivered. There was closure, hugs, warm conversations, testimonies being shared, kids running all over the place, and $1800 raised for The Greatest Blessing.

Yes He is good. Very good.

Over the last 20 months of walking this rocky journey of mourning my only boy I have learned much. I have learned that God can not be predicted, but can easily be praised in spite of what comes our way. I have learned that no does not mean all bad. In fact, there is a lot of good that comes from no. A lot.

I have learned that having this loss in my heart has opened my spiritual eyes in ways that nothing else could have. One of the most profound truths God showed me in his word can be found in the book of Ecclesiastes, seventh chapter titled: WISDOM

It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

-Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

What that says is that when hurt comes...wisdom is not far behind it.
There is nothing wiser then getting infatuated with our Home. Heaven.
Obsessing over it is wisdom.

So as many of us continue this journey of gleaning faith through this fog of mourning, my prayer is that much wisdom is shed from the Father for each of us. That we would actually embrace this place in our lives for all He desires it to reveal to those who are watching. Including our sweet little ones watching from Heaven.

He is good. Very good.

{cOuNt DoWn}

2009-08-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

The count down has certainly begun for the remembrance walk this weekend. Whew....it will be nice to be in the throws of it, I must say! Those of us involved in pulling it together, and certainly the dear families who's babies are being honored would so appreciate your participation, however you are able! Participating at the actual event, praying for it's success and smoothness, or by simply placing a financial gift/donation. (Paypal button is on left sidebar for your convenience.) We all have a role to play in anything done with the aim of glorifying our God.

This walk will most definitely do that!

You know, most of you do not know all that is involved behind the creation and delivery of each and every box that I serve to these families. Each box has a number of things that need to be done just to "prepare it" . But then there is the art of it. I leave each one to be created at the leading of the Holy Spirit. Prophetic art really! The items within the box take no less time attention to detail to find and place within the box. I never would have dreamed it would be what it is nearly 16 months from the first one that I hand delivered. It is complicated though....I very much want this ministry to flower and grow, but I also know too well how time consuming these boxes are. Each one takes at least 2 hours to fashion. That is not including the shopping/hunting time that goes into the materials and gifts within. I never want these to be rushed or "punched out" as to lose their uniqueness and charm. All of that to say though the money brought in for this fundraiser is going directly to The Greatest Blessing - HUGELY important element to keeping this ministry going. I paid for them out of my own pocket for a time, and would have continued had I a Donald Trump account (lol) but I also know God wants to share this with His people including them in the process, however that may be. Like I said we all have a part to play in glorifying God. You included! : ) I do thank you for supporting this ministry and for believing in God through me. Humbling place He has called me to. Truly.

As the week unfolds I ask for your prayers in pulling all the technicalities into place and organizing the actual day. That I would allow the Holy Spirit to move through me and would honestly be anxious for nothing! NOTHING!

So here we go....five days left.

God be with us!

(Oh yeah....you ALWAYS ARE! ;) Thank you Jesus)

{wHeN i GrOw Up}

2009-08-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Being a soldier for the Lord Jesus is nothing like what this world portrays a "soldier" to be. Standing in faith for our "invisible" King is often times looked at as being desperate, overly compassionate, a crutch (love that one...not) and weak. According to God's economy...nothing could be further from the truth!

The season I am currently in requires a great deal of trust and faith. Some of you know, some not....that my husband and I were estranged for 13 months and seeking divorce not ironically a few short months after our son, Macsen went Home to be free and happy. May I first say-PRAYER WORKS....keep praying for those you love people, and that which you wish God to redeem. His will isn't always in line with having it go as we pray or think it should go, but occasionally, if we are lining up with His will it does. There was nothing that was leading me to think that restoration was even possible. No glimmer, no hope, no life there at all....But in my spirit, deep in my heart God nestled a belief, that something bigger and better was going to occur in my life and in my marriage, all I needed to do was pray without ceasing, believe god for big things and live life as though those things had already been manifested.

Peter is often remembered as being the one that made a real schmuck of himself by denying Jesus more then once. He loved Jesus, yes. But then denied Him 3 times? How often we too are guilty of that same thing! Often....

But when I grow up......I want to be like Peter.

He spoke honesty from his heart, even when it was doubt.

He heard the Holy Spirit in him and spoke and moved accordingly- first.

He believed God for big things....he too walked on water.

He stirred praise and worship from the other disciples.

He stood fast and defended his Lord....alone as everyone else fled.

He died and ended his life in a honorable and glorifying way to his Master....King Jesus. Whom Which he was clearly a servant to.

As a child I was always most drawn to Peter and his way. ( My memories are extremely vivid of the movie Jesus of Nazareth which i watched in the zillions of times! : ) His raucous attitude and piercing honesty struck me as appealing, relatable and lovable. I assume the same was true of God. He was like a kid, in that he wanted to just jump in, speak up, and defend...

I love that.

Jesus clearly loved that.

***sigh***

When I grow up......I want to be like Peter.

{hEbReWs 11:6}

2009-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

God is moving! He is alive and well and longing for us to believe Him for big things! Jesus help me to do that very thing! To have faith and belief in you and in the miracles I know that you are capable of, and so longing to reveal to us all!

And without faith it is impossible to please God. Hebrews 11:6

What is God longing for you to believe Him for? Does it look impossible by human standards? If so....you are on the right track in stepping out in faith and believing King Jesus for it's reality!

There is so much to tell about my own current journey with Him. A marriage that was literally on the precipice of ending is now, with the grace and mercy of the King, healing, restoring and hopeful that with HIM all things are possible! Believing that He is bringing this covenant to heights that we have never dreamed. Boy does that take faith to do! Jesus is helping me cling to it though. To cling to his biggness!

There is also a great deal of favor being poured out on this ministry. With God's help and guidance there is no telling where it is going to lead. I am along for the ride though, that's for sure! Thank you ALL of you that have been faithful to lift me, this ministry, and my marriage and family to the Lord. He has heard our cries and is at work. Praise God!

I am in need of those of you that have received anything involving this ministry. I need from you your testimonies about how you have been blessed by this ministry. I have a few projects (one that is really exciting for me!)in the works that involve having the voices of those out there that have been touched by The Greatest Blessing.

Please send the below information to:

megan106@msn.com

your name, and babies name (if applies)
what was received (possibly a picture of box and how you display it in your home)
picture of baby (if applies)
comments and feedback you would like to share

If there is any of the above that you do not have, or do not wish to share, that is alright. But as much as possible would be a real benefit to me as I am looking to best convey this ministry and the heart of God through it!

Let me encourage you to believe God for much....it pleases Him to have us see Him for all He is, and all He can do! He is a God of miracles.....let's take Him up on that!

God bless you!

{fOrEvEr In OuR hEaRtS}

2009-07-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

So I really haven't been laying around twittling my thumbs, and looking for something to do! Really! In between still getting the privilege of making memory boxes for several families, I have also been teaming up with some amazingly, selfless people that are reaching well out of their way to see to it that families are given a stage to love, celebrate, and share their babies that now live in Heaven.

This is the second year that I have been blessed to be a part of

Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Walk. All to honor a baby that went Home well before expected. Last years family was poignant because they were the first "official" family that I was given the call to serve with a box. Sigh....I can remember walking into that hospital room as clearly as if it were just yesterday that I was there. This year, two sweet babies will be honored. And both families have graciously decided that they desire for any/all money raised to go to yours truly,

The Greatest Blessing.

Speechless.

Thank you families.

Thank you God.

I am blessed beyond words....and man does it suck to know that none of this current blessing would be here had I not had a baby boy go Home before me....but wow, I wouldn't trade it.

How can you say that you might ask?

I have this amazing ministry that fills me beyond expectation! I have a purpose and I KNOW that I have been a small part of contributing to eternal ramifications in a positive light. And I STILL will get to be with my baby boy! For eternity!

It's a win win! : )

I am humbled by the love and generosity God has imposed on the hearts of all these amazing people!

Kerri Mitchell Accounting in Oregon City
The Randy Carpenter Memorial Foundation
Gloss at the Beranger in Downtown Gresham

Sorella Events
Full of Grace Photography
Sugar Face Designs
Sam Barlow High School Athletic Dept.
Blue Mill Screen Print

If you can attend, please do! Spread the word. Share this on Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, email, phone calls, coffee break, Morris code....WHATEVER! If you can't be there, please get on your knees for the event. Pray for the families to receive healing, love and an opportunity to be proud of their boys. But also that this ministry would get recognition and would glorify Jesus infinitely!

My utmost aim in all I do with this ministry!

God is SO good! Thank you so!

Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Walk

{dEaR mAcSeN}

2009-07-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the wiring God has given me, (to be an encourager I mean: I still have suckage moments! Is that a word? Well it is now!)

I have a son you know .

Just one, and his name is Macsen Danforth.

He looks like both of his sisters really. He has Mia's face shape. Her eyebrows and lips. But he has Maizy's head shape, and her nose and cheeks. He looks alot like his daddy.....very striking and handsome. He might have actually been a loud mouth like his mama! lol- we'll see....

Holy wow do I miss him......

Dear Macsen,
Little baby, there is so much to tell, where do I begin, except with....WOWZERS, I LOVE YOU!
You are missed beyond actual words, but I promise when I see you I will show you with my hugs and kisses. I am excited and tired just thinking about it. I'de do that all now if I could!

Macsen, mommy and daddy have made so many mistakes. We haven't always loved God more then other things. We haven't always looked to Him for our comfort and help as we should. I know it is difficult for you to understand that, because He, is all you have known. That actually is something I am quite envious of. You truly are missing nothing down here my boy. And I am sure you are at perfect peace knowing that one day you will be with all of those that love you here and long to know you so much more. God is so good about telling us His promises. I need to remember that on days like today. Days like this where I long so much to hold your strong,all boy body. To feel you pull my hair and slobber all over my cheek. Nothing could be less glamorous and yet so appealing all in one.

But...I do trust God. That is one thing the enemy was counting against. I trust Him, and further more- I embrace His plan for me all the more! That not only would I come to know Him more clearly, but that I would be used to glorify Him more magnificently! More freakishly, really!

You skipping this place has a whole lot more good coming from it then not! It's me that needs to just get over it, and see it through the Father's eyes. And He is gentle....knowing too clearly, just what a heartache it is....but we want what is best for THE KINGDOM. For the glory of this KING we serve. Let how I handle this be an act of worship, Lord!

Mommy and daddy, as you know have been struggling to get to this place. We have turned against each other at times and looked at one another as enemies, rather then fellow soldiers. That time is behind us. Your prayers have paid off my sweet, Saint son. Intercession with King Jesus has it's rewards, eh?! :) God has reached into daddy's heart and begun to cleanse it. To remove his spiritual fog from his eyes and reveal His goodness, truth, hope, love, and REDEMPTION! The battle is not yet through. Satan has changed his tactics and is calling on more forces. But so is our God. And greater is He that is in us then he that is in the world!

Not one day goes by that your name is not said. That you are not thought of. That we do not long to hold and love on the sweetest little boy these arms will ever hold. You are our son. You are your sisters brother. PERIOD. Here. Or there.

Sing loud sweet little man! Keep praying......you are the mightiest soldier I have ever known, and mommy loves you. Listen to your Abba daddy.....Holy Spirit, help us to listen and hear too.

We love you and have seared you in our hearts where you will dwell until we meet you face to face.....what a sweet day that will be! sigh...... And so I press on toward the goal........

I love you endlessly ~Mommy

What a beautiful boy you are.....
if I do say so myself! : ) All boy.

My little bruiser.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

{eYeS oPeN}

2009-07-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

I attended a service tonight at a church I do not normally attend. It was such a breathe of fresh air. Have you ever been in a service/moment/prayer/worship where the tears just flow. There isn't anything out of sight said or done, it is simply that the Holy Spirit is there and He is there in ALL of His greatness and love?! If you have, then you know already, without having been there, what this service was like for me tonight. Maybe it's just where I'm at right now in my walk with the Lord. He is so much more awesome, real, great, loving, forgiving, all-knowing, powerful, strong, in charge, mighty, royal, tender, merciful, glorious, endearing, empowering, majestic, magnificent, magnetic, intense, suffocating, irresistible, stilling, wise, lovely, and beautiful then I have ever known Him to be. And this is just the beginning of what it is that He is trying to show me. The amazing truth to all of that profound realization, is that I am positive that I would not have discovered all of these attributes, characteristics and truths about our God had I (are you ready for this) -not had my baby boy born asleep.

My eyes were opened because He chose for me to see Macsen's eyes closed....only to be seen open in paradise.

Humbling truth. But truth.

My son is in my heart. He is in the breeze. He is in the belly laughter that trails down the steps in my home from my daughters. He is in every embrace that my husband and I have.He is in every stroke of the brush that I take as I paint another box for a family facing this new challenging journey of infant loss. He is with his family every time we gather together. (Like in this picture which is one of many in this road of restoration for my husband and I and this family that Satan will not win. Hallelujah! Praise you Jesus! But notice too in the pic, where I keep my Macsen always....his picture around my neck. I am so proud of that little man! I HAVE to see him regularly!) He is in the tears that I shed every time I feel the Holy Spirit wooing me and those I love as we bend our knees in adoration to this King. This King that made it possible that good-bye is not good-bye, but instead, until we meet again....
The same King that my son is worshipping in this very moment. And in this one. And this. And this. And....

I would like to encourage anyone reading this to remember that any trial you have had to face- Any loss you are having to endure- Any struggle you are wrestling with- Any place you are fighting to leave......HE LOVES YOU. HE IS WITH YOU. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. NEVER!

Let's wake up people! wake up! He is there and He so desires for us to grab His capable hand...and fly!!!!!!!!!!

Trials are not punishment. They are training. Training to build our spiritual muscles and to build our most valued weapon: OUR FAITH!

p.s the song playing may or may not jive with this post...but it certainly jives with all of us wayward spirits that too often can stray from our God! My husband loves this song. He seems to really identify with it. I certainly do! His mercy is beyond amazing. I have 2 words for you:

AWE SOME!

lol

{GoD}

2009-07-08T20:57:00.001-07:00

* Let me first say....this song may or may not connect with you as it does me in connection with this post. That's ok....I like it. This song has much meaning to me.

I have been grieving with many others (as bazaar as that may seem to you, about Michael Jackson this week. I plan to post on it in the coming days, Reflecting with God currently about it all...be looking though. )

This is a quick update. God is up to much in my personal walk with Him, and in my almost deceased marriage. the battle is far from over. in fact, now that we have turned the dial up on the enemy, he is turning it up on us. please keep interceding with me. He is a liar and a vicious deceiver at that. I need wisdom, faith and diligence and my husband needs hope, self control, and A SUFFOCATING ENCOUNTER WITH THE LIVING GOD TO BRING HIM TO HIS KNEES IN HUMILITY AND LOVE FOR THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO HIM. JESUS! (I of course am in second place!: ) lol)

I want to leave you with a few tid bits God has been making very clear to me this week. Forgive me that they may come across a bit sarcastic, I do that as a kick in the pants to myself. When will I wake up to his BIGGNESS? Good question.....

1. I am God. I have ALL things in my hands and control.

You are you and have not a clue what I am up to. (I know....extremely theological, huh?!lol)

2. I am God. I have given ALL authority to YOU! Not just to your pastor. Not just your Holy friend from Bible study. YOU!

He is pretty clear about. If you don't believe me....read your bible. TRUTH!

JESUS I LOVE YOU. OPEN OUR EYES TO YOU!

THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO US!

{aLl AuThOrItY}

2009-07-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

Is anyone out there alive and ready for some serious GOD?!

I don't mean the God that we rattle off rote prayers to, prayers that for the most part are us trying to convince ourselves of what it is we are coming to the Father in need of. I don't mean the God that we read about in the old and new testament and say, "Whew! That was awesome! How cool it is that Jesus healed that guy. I sure can't wait till He comes back!" HELLO! I can't wait till He gets back either, but why do we forget that it is HIM that told us to pray like this:

On earth as it is in Heaven! Is there any unhealed people in Heaven people?

Are there any hurting hearts in Heaven as there are on earth? Is there bondage in heaven I ask? NO. Typical argument: "Well, this is a fallen world. It effects all areas of life." True, BUT, as Christians, were we not given ALL AUTHORITY OVER OUR ENEMY?

WHEN JESUS HAD CALLED THE TWELVE TOGETHER, HE GAVE THEM POWER AND AUTHORITY TO DRIVE OUT ALL DEMONS AND TO CURE DISEASES AND HE SENT THEM OUT TO PREACH THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND TO HEAL THE SICK

-LUKE 9:1-2

I HAVE GIVEN YOU AUTHORITY TO TRAMPLE ON SNAKES AND SCORPIONS AND TO OVERCOME ALL THE POWER OF THE ENEMY; NOTHING WILL HARM YOU.

-LUKE 10:19

Seems pretty clear to me, so why in the world have I been living

so far under that level of position?!*?!!?

I have no idea. But guess what?

I'M NOT ANYMORE!

Jesus....YOU are KING! I am your daughter, and I reign on high with You! Open our spiritual eyes to the place you have given us here and in Heaven, our true Home! Thank you that you already won us the victory, and that You are right now interceding on behalf of each of us- me writing, those reading and the many that we love and are burdened for or have yet to know! Your aim is for ALL to be saved & delivered...to live in FREEDOM and to spend eternity with You. Pour out Your spirit of revelation, encouragement, deliverance, freedom, love, power, authority, and victory for your children! We're in a war.....it's time to STAND UP!!!!!!!!! Break through is needed Jesus and so desperately desired! Praise be to You Jesus, the Most High! You are worthy! Equip us for the battle! Satan may have come to kill, steal, and destroy....but he will never take OUR FREEDOM!

A M E N

BTW the speech playing from Braveheart is well written and is more prophetic then most know. Listen to the words from a spiritual set of ears. We do not wage war as the world does....but we are in a war! Fight for freedom!

{dId ThEy KnOw JeSuS}

2009-06-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

There will likely be many out there that will post this evening about the high profile deaths that took place today. I don't care. I need to do it anyway. I have been affected.

Affected? How you might ask. I'll tell you.

First, and most obviously...I am a mercy. It's how God has wired me and it effects everything in my life. I mean, when I was a child I used to make my mom pull over and let us say some words of respect for the prairie dog that someone hit with their car?! And then God gave me this ministry! Seriously God? WOW! being a mercy may be the precise reason He gave it to me though. I very much can feel others hurts.

A post or two ago I embedded a video clip. A clip that my very good, and Godly friend sent me. She told me of how much it opened her eyes to her own walk, and the tinges of "lukewarmness" in her own life. When I first heard it, I was rocked! It isn't easy to hear. (Which I am pretty sure is a huge reason why the comment section was silent. Not that I have a slew of "followers". It's fine that I don't. I do this blog for me and the few I might be helping. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest or anything.) It always hurts to hear that we might be walking in a less then "disciple" manner before our Lord. But it is intensely wise to examine our walk frequently and clean out parasites and wrong thinking.

So as this message sank in, it hurt no less. That in accompaniment with the book I mentioned by Chan, here , that I am reading, God has been really forcing me to reevaluate what a "Christian" looks like. That title is so thoughtlessly thrown around anymore.

We are called to be aliens.

Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the chief cornerstone. Eph. 2:19-20

We are said to be in the world. But not of it.

But our citizenship is in Heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ. Phil. 3:20

If people were to be honest about how it is you "look" in this place, what would they say about you? Do you look different then everyone else? Or do you fit in? And I am wondering more about those in your sphere of influence that aren't saved. Their opinion will be far less bias, likely.

As I saw the news flash before my eyes this afternoon I was struck in speechless shock as the words unfolded with:

MICHAEL JACKSON DEAD AT 50

All I could think of was: Did he know Jesus?

Then moments later, in that same state of shock:

FARRAH FAWCETT LOST HER BATTLE WITH CANCER TODAY

All I could think of was: Did she know Jesus?

Again...I do not "know" these people, obviously.

But my God does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He knows them and loves them. He was there with them before they were ever conceived or ever idled by us fellow humans.

God is moving you guys! He is moving and He wants us to move!

Move out of our comfort zones. Talk to people about our testimony even when it seems like a preposterous moment to do so.

Move from what we know to what we don't know.

Move from what others expect, to what God CAN do.

Move from the obvious, to the thing that takes faith to get there!

Move! Move where He is calling you to go! It isn't always going to make sense!

But what doesn't make sense here, will there!

Sharing Jesus with people that do not know Him will behoove them greatly here, and certainly in the after life. When they are on their death bed, if they get one, as Farrah Fawcett did. Or for those that may not get a death bed, like Michael Jackson. Jesus died for all!

No day is promised.

Share Him with urgency.

Love Him with urgency.

JESUS IS ON HIS THRONE,

AND HE IS COMING SOON!

LET'S GET READY!

{fAtHeR's DaY}

2009-06-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

This Father's Day was likely difficult for many. The Greatest Blessing wanted to reach out and acknowledge the men out there that have had the same heart ache as many of us ladies. Men handle it so differently. Each of the father's that have crossed this path received this card. My dear friend, Amanda made them. (Thank U for being patient with me & my "visions" lady. :) My prayer is that, although small, it was a reminder to these men to trust their heavenly Father-

the best daddy in the world.

Inside reads:

The Greatest Blessing would like to wish you a happy Father's Day. Although you have a child living in Heaven, you are no less their daddy! Until you meet again....

________________________________________________

On a personal note, my husband, the father of my 3 babies received this gift from us...
Macsen looks just like his daddy......

Happy Father's Day

{tHe FiRe}

2009-06-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Scroll to bottom and mute Playlist. Hit play and then a few seconds after hit pause. Let the stream catch up a bit then hit play.
Welcome to conviction!

{wArFaRe}

2009-06-16T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am in full fledged spiritual warfare. Imploring God for discernment, break through, vision and strength. Satan has a hold that has been bought by a certain event on Calvary, as I recall, however?!

Please be praying the blood of Christ over Michael Gebhardt. His son that He loves so much and has plans and purposes for. He is struggling with knowing God's voice and seeing His best for him.

Marriage is under attack, and mine is being laser focused on.

Please pray for me to have diligence and perseverance that is nothing short of super natural. God is moving and therefore, so is His nemesis.

We have the victory!

{cOmFoRt}

2009-06-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

If most of us were really honest, could we truly say that everyday, and in all things that we are really surrendering to Christ? Not just with the obvious things like swearing, lusting, selfishness, etc....But with maybe the things that aren't as "obvious". For example....not leaning on food for our comfort, throwing away the Xanax bottle and really committing to fully allowing Jesus to be ALL that we need?! Not pouring that glass of wine to relax, but instead committing yourself to Him. Praying in every moment of stress or frustration. Taking a walk instead of popping a pill. Dancing like a crazy person in the living room to a loud worship song..... not sitting in front of the boob tube with a vat of potato chips and a side of ice cream.

I am certain that this will sting many who read it, and that's fine. It is stinging me as I type it. That is precisely why I am doing it! So welcome to the club.

Now certainly there is a place for antidepressants and mood stabilizers for seasons in our life or genetic issues out of our control. Also we have been given things that are meant to be enjoyed and used to make life richer....but if we are going to something in first place over Him when we are hurting or stressed....guess what? That is called idolatry!

Gulp!

I don't want to rely on anything, anyone, no plate of food, any bottle, any prescription drug, or and shopping high to comfort me. All I want is Jesus to comfort me. What does He say in the word? Cast all your anxiety upon me. ? That isn't as simple to do as it might sound. It isn't for me. I feel like if I am not doing one, I'm doing another. And of course Christians are not immune from placing judgement and labeling people in there own little "comfort zones". But truth be told....we all have a great deal of room for growth in this arena! In fact, in my experience, Christians can often be the first to attack and cannibalize their own! Ignorant to what a brother or sister is contending with in the spiritual realm. Because make no mistake....we are all in a spiritual warfare. Some are just under more intense and relentless attack!

I am praying for the Lord Jesus to be gentle and yet swift in healing this in my life, and in yours. When my son died, the level of awareness in this topic went to all new heights. What I honestly used to witness in others I would make judgements about. Now that I am standing in these shoes- I better understand why and how you end up there. But it doesn't mean we have to stay there. His death was the blow in my life that leveled it all and brought me to the reality of FLESH and just how stupid and destructive it is. It wants to have all the glory and it is trying to put us all in a plot of dirt!

He died that we would have life! And have it to the full!

Full of Him. Nothing more, and certainly....nothing less.

JESUS....DO YOUR THING!

{mAgNiFiCeNt}

2009-06-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else out there marvel regularly at the wonder of our God? The sunset He paints in the sky or the very unique way He has created all of us? Each of our sweet children? I sure do... and am constantly reminded by something new and fresh that takes my breathe away everyday, yet again.

I am a part of a group of ladies at my church that is diving into a
new book that celebrates that (at least so far) called Crazy Love : Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan. It is wildly good and I am just having to pace myself in reading it all too fast. With each statement that is said, and every point that he is making I am finding myself just concurring (outl oud...I talk to myself a lot....it's a habit I have had since I was little)) with him over and over. "Yes!", "Exactly!", "Totally!" This is what I keep catching myself saying! It's kind of fun to come across a person or author or anything that you feel like in not so many words, or maybe just different ones, that you are completely on the same page with them. Well this book, and this guy, are totally like that for me! It really is a powerful read thus far. I will keep you posted as I go.

I've been so small in my thinking of God. I mean I do know that God had given me the gift of faith, but life has taken blows at that faith. At Him too. But at the same time I feel Him as bigger then ever before in my life. He is so big and mighty and at work in so many ways, it is IMPOSSIBLE to put it into words. we can spend our entire lives studying Him, loving Him, and seeking Him, and only barely scratch the surface.

Anyone that reads my thoughts knows that you can't go far into knowing me without music becoming an intracle part of explaining where I am or who I am. It is my voice when i am without speech. (That doesn't happen often, but when it does I can turn right to it!) This is a song I discovered way into it's existence. what can i say....I am a bit slow. It is awesome in it's presence, position, and MAGNIFICATION of the love of my life. My God. Take some time to worship the ONLY One worthy! All I want to do is dance when I hear it!

Jesus....You are MAGNIFICENT!

{sHaCkLeS aNd ChAiNs}

2009-05-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

Without a doubt summer is here and with it comes HOT! Not my favorite thing in the world, mind you. Being hot, I mean. I like warm sun on my face and occasional swims and frolicking in the rays from time to time, but on an in and out basis, hot is just HOT to me. Not so much a fan.

But there is something I want to be HOT over. I want to be ON FIRE HOT for Jesus! Hot for Him sounds good to me!

In the past year I was under the impression that I was just hurting and eeking through it without a great deal of gain, outside of really knowing that the Lord was with me through it all. And yes, that is definitely something to note, I certainly do not want to come off as ungrateful about that, I so am. But I have just recently also looked back on the past year and seen just how much God has been doing in a way that I never noticed before. Just how much He was doing in and around ME. By that I mean, that through all of the tragedy that I have needed to endure this year, I have let go of strength in Him that has been mine, free of cost and relied on my own feeble ideas of coping, strength, comfort etc. And inspight of stupid choices and fearing trusting Him fully, He has used it to teach me and hopefully grow me more in Him.

In my 20's I boldly professed my faith and then proceeded to waltz around in this world, very much of this world, and making zero quality witness as to what Jesus can and is doing for me and my life. I melded in with everybody else. I wasn't hot or cold. I somehow didn't really know any better. There was no descipling done in my life and it was just good enough to get me in the door! But somewhere along the way, and most certainly after I became a mommy at 27, I had a real road to Damascus moment with God that opened my spiritual eyes forever. It was then that my flesh nature and all the sin that I had committed became neon real to me and it broke my heart. So much so that I repented and sought after God like never before in my life. My sin is what killed Jesus.

But with disappointment after disappointment and tragedy after tragedy, something within my faith world began to darken. And with it darkened my resolve, my heart, and my hope. Soon I was face to face with that flesh nature and all of it's weaknesses. It was whispering to me louder and with much more tenacity then I ever remembered before. It didn't take long to figure out, thank God, that this flesh nature wants me dead.

We all have different "apples". Something that calls to us from the sidelines/garden. It could be drugs, alcohol, sexual temptation, food, power, money, etc. We each have something that wants nothing more then to trip us up and get us off the track to run the race that we have been called to. As my very good friend so poignantly put it as she was describing herself, "I am convinced that my flesh is trying to put me into an early grave!" YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT IS! (It's in cahoots with Lucifer, you know.lol) All kidding aside, we are being stalked and Satan's goal is to take us out of the race. The very race that grows us to mature spiritually, and gains God much fame and glory! And if Satan can't kill us, he's happy to push us until we kill ourselves somehow!

I am challenging myself lately to constantly be reminded of the place that I have been saved from. The dark pit that was my dwelling place for far too long. Do you remember yours? It's not to condemn ourselves, or feel sorry for ourselves, but instead to help keep us in a place of shere gratitude for the gift of salvation we have been given. Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself! My prayer is that we, you and I, will be mindful of the shackles and chains that we have had removed at the very costly price of a sinless King that loved us so much....He died for us.

HE DIED FOR YOU.

Remember the chains. No need to pick them up again, just....

Run to the cross!

{mE}

2009-05-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

How do you really begin to express the emotions you feel? What can you really say to paint a picture of what you see through your eyes? Will anybody care? Some days, I feel like nobody does. So it is on thoughs days that you can imagine how sustaining it is to know that my Abba cares. He not only cares, but eagerly longs to know me, be with me, and have relationship with me. He is head over heals in love with me you know? (Did you know He is with you too? It's true)

He longs for that love from you too.

From everyone.

So I don't understand how anyone could want to turn that down? When we look upon all of the blessings He has so graciously given each of us. All paling in comparison of course with the cross!

My life has not existed that long. I mean, I am relatively speaking,still young. (Even if some days I don't feel so young! : ) Yet in that small spance of time, I have managed to "live" life and really pack it chalk full of everything and all that this world has to offer. (And I do mean all!) So I guess I am bias in my hope in Christ and in my love for Him and His boundaries/plans/promises! I have a great deal to compare it to you see.....and every bit of it comes up wildly short! It is all full of lies, half truths, empty promises and it's all perfectly wrapped up with the finishing touch: a bow of guilt, shame, regret, and hopelessness.

I have not lived a sheltered life and read about these chains of bondage in the scriptures while scratching my head to understand their weight.

I have worn the chains. I know the weight they bear.

I have scars to prove it....

I like to call them beauty marks. : )

I am not some doofus Christian that walks around thumping my bible. I think I am actually a tinge cool from time to time, even. As long as I don't try to be anyhow. (Oh, didn't you know Christians could be cool?) In fact, in all of my life I have met many "cool" people by the worlds standards and hands down the top 10 are ALL Christians. *****GASP**** I know. You might need to sit down for that.

This post isn't going to be outrageously profound or be my gut wrenching and raw testimony or anything. I simply wanted you to get to know me, a little bit better. I am, after all, just a girl, with a heart for family, life, love...for God. Maybe next time, we can grab a cup of Joe together and learn even more about each other.......

They both HAD to be Mary for the harvest party. So sweet! My beautiful girls!

This pic so depicts my ladies unique personalities!

If it's white, I paint it! totally in my element with paint brush in hand! Those jeans have been involved in much creativity! they are likely what I am wearing whenever I am creating a box!Maybe your box?!

Good morning bed heads!

This is the last family picture taken of us.
All 5 of us. :(

White roses are my favorite flower ever! God gave me these!

These are our very best friends, Valerie and David Allen.
They live much too far away! I miss you! (I am very pregnant with my Macsen in this shot)Helllloooo Val! Love you!

BFF's (precious)

Maizy Bly: my child of light!

Birthday party planning is one of my many creative joys! Happy birthday miss Mia!

Their daddy......and little Mia,1.

Sugar lips Maizy. I can't help but see pics of these girls
at around this age of 1 and not try to envision what brother would look like. No less cute, certainly!

Macsen's hand and foot cast on a display table at his memorial. So grateful to have these!

Pink Christmas tree in my girls room.....OF COURSE!

You will rarely find me NOT in my boots.

The hardest day of my life.....

After going through alot of my pictures, I was sad at just how few there were of me and my girls. (A little sad too at just how disorganized it all is too, argh!) Before I had kids I was a total ham in front of a camera! Since becoming a mommy, I've been the one taking the pictures, not posing for them.

I'm gonna start getting in front of the camera more!

More pictures of ME!

Living life!

{I jUsT lOvE tHaT wOrD}

2009-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Faith.

Just the word alone has such beauty to it. Then you read it's meaning.

faith
/feɪθ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feyth] Show IPA
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

I have such a thing for words. Their meaning, and how they are used. Faith is a great word. It is a great thing! It is something that I have that I can honestly say, I would never want to live without. So you can imagine how hard it has been to have several trials come my way in the last several years that have caused it to wain more then ever in my life.

As you read the definition, however, it is a very good reminder of what we need to recall. (What I need to recall) Believing does not always have proof to back it up. So often God is at work, hard work, all around us and we simply cannot see yet what He is fashioning in our behalf. But rest assured He is never on vacation. He doesn't sleep, and His eyes are constantly on us. Now when we are in the throws of sin, that statement might make us squirm a bit. But as a single mommy, raising 2 very bright and beautiful little girls that is a suffocating comfort.

I want to be known as a person of great faith. I desire to have it be infectious in all that I do, and all that I am called to go through.

The most powerful and lovely prayer I had ever heard in my life was one that I read just days after my Macsen's exodus home. I may have mentioned before in past posts, I can't remember. I spoke of it at his memorial. But I know that in God's love for me, I am sure the timing in which I came upon it was His ordaining indeed. He loves me so much. (Sometimes I just don't get that!) The prayer is what keeps me going on blue days. Blue days that I would rather just lie in bed and stare at my baby. This picture is a photo of the actual wall in my bedroom that I wake up to everyday. I co-slept with all of my babies. It was such a treasure to wake up to little faces, sweet baby breath and cute coos.......but I didn't get to do that with my Macsen. So this was the next best thing. At least I can wake up looking at him, right?! Anyhow......here is God's prayer to me.....to you......

God- I so wanted to hold him/her in my arms

and tell him/her all about you.

But, since that wasn't in your plans for us,

I pray you hold him/her in your arms

and tell him/her all about me!

I want God to tell Macsen how very good mommy is! How FAITHFUL, true, and devoted to Him she is being. I pray that for all of us. Remember what we are told in scripture:

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

~1 Peter 1:6-7

Faith.....I just love that word.

{iMaGiNe Me}

2009-05-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

One of the most amazing women/people/disciples/ friends that I know shared this song with me some time ago. It was powerful those many months ago....

but it really SINGS to me now, tonight, in this season of life.

This life of mine at it's current evaluation? what can you say- whooh....

It does have a happy ending....it does.

Listen to the words closely.....these words are my hug from God tonight. (tears)

I pray they are for you too!

Imagine me. Imagine YOU!

{dOuBlE wHaMmY}

2009-05-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

As if yesterday wasn't hard enough.... it is also my wedding anniversary?!*!@*!? Ya, I know.

You just don"t get much more Jerry Springer Show then that, do ya? LOL. Whatever.....really the timing is a sad joke, isn't it? (I mean, you have to keep a sense of humor in this world though. Truly!)

I had to process each of these things, slowly, and one at a time. (Mother's Day and anniversary I mean) So now for my guts being laid out about how royally sucky it is that I sit here on my 8th wedding anniversary, completely estranged from my husband who moved out 5 short months after our boy went Home. He is sure he is completely beyond any issues he came into this marriage with (we both had them), and POSSIBLY willing to reconcile provided I #1. pretend like nothing has ever happened to destroy my trust, #2. ignore the fact that he treats me with no respect and love for all that God made me to be (Because after all....I am knowing how very human and imperfect, flawed, ugly at times and certainly self seeking on occasion I am and can be. But, HENCE NEEDING JESUS- IMMENSELY!!!)

To which I say to him:

I love Megan. She has been through ENOUGH already.

She is above rubies. (Proverbs 31:10) PERIOD. I could swim through rivers of scripture and give dozens to convey and defend what I am to EXPECT in a Godly marriage, but that one sums it up perfectly. And I certainly KNOW that I have had my fair share of "issues" in this as well. A lot was brought in heavy trunks to this marriage. (baggage I mean)All that to say-

I have not been treated above rubies. BUT....

I WILL, one day. I will wait for that.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

~Jeremiah 29:11

{That's for me! And I BELIEVE!}

As I told him weeks ago...."I am waiting for FIREPROOF". To which he said, "Sounds hot". (hardee har) He has not even sat and watched the movie?!

Michael- I forgive you. With my heart, mind and soul. I suck at best at communicating to you how I feel and what I mean, but I do know this: I have never heard God more clearly then when He told me these things:

This is to be your husband.

Forgive him.

Forgive him again.

God is like that. It isn't me, and I am sure ME has gotten in the way in much of this along the way......

BUT- I do forgive you.

{ H a p p y A n n i v e r s a r y }

I wonder what Macsen is thinking,

in the arms of The Most High as he looks down upon us tonight?

His aim is now clearly, HIS aim. Shouldn't we make it ours?

{dEaR mOmMy}

2009-05-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

So here we are, Mother's Day, and yet many of us are celebrating it without the children that gained us that very title. Seems so wrong, words cannot express. But my hope is that we simply remember where they are.

To remember who they are with.

God has me burdened for hurting mommies, and I so want to give to and share hope with them, in whatever way I can be used. Weeks back God gave me the idea of writing a certain letter. A letter similar to the kind you hear read by a "little one from camp". Only this letter is from your little one, from beyond this world.

It is a letter from heaven.

I always know when what I have written is straight from the Holy Spirit because it takes me no time and even less effort to pen it. (Or type it as the case may be.) This letter was nothing short of all of that. It took 2 minutes flat to write and when it was done I was hushed with peace as the tears streamed down my cheeks.

Tears of joy for this place our babies now live.

Many moms that I have had the honor to serve and many I have been blessed to cross paths with will be recieving in the mail this letter for Mother's Day. If you are one that did not get one, I do apologize. I did my best to get them into the hands of all of you. However, I offer in place of an actual mailed card, this very post. Take it personally. Commit it to memory.........and a

Happy Mother's Day to ALL of us!

Dear mommy,

Guess what? I love you! I have wanted to tell you that for a while now. You’re so pretty and so smart….I brag about you to everyone here! Everyone, by the way, is so great! I feel so loved and accepted. This place is beautiful beyond words. I am surprised everywhere I look! Something new, unexpected and lovely is around every corner.

There is the most beautiful singing here too mom. Angels never stop! They sing so powerfully and pure. All you want to do is join in with them.
Oh, did I tell you that I love you? Life here is good mommy! I smile and laugh all day long. (That is when I am not singing at the top of my lungs to God) Did I tell you about Him? Mom…..HE IS AMAZING! Practically indescribable! BIGGER, STRONGER, MORE LOVING, AND YET GENTLER then anything I could ever imagine! When I am with Him I am Home. He IS Heaven. He is love. He holds me sometimes and talks to me about you.
He loves you so much!

And Jesus….did I tell you about Him? He’s indescribable too! Prefect really! He plays with me ALL the time. He never says NO! He is always ready to spend time with me. He sings over me and holds me close! Did you know He does that for you too? He wanted me to tell you He is proud of you. He wants to walk and talk with you more! Please let Him mommy. He will give you the power and peace that I can feel here too!

Oh Mommy….I love it here! I can’t wait to show you around your future Home! Jesus told me that where you are isn’t your home. Remember that mommy! He said when you press on and do good, He is storing crowns for you here. And they are beautiful crowns mommy! Sparkly and shiny…..those that come here throw them at His feet and the angels get even louder! Jesus just loves it! (I want my mommy to have the most crowns of all! Keep pressing on!)

Mommy I love you. Thank you for working so hard to help make me! You , daddy and God did such a good job! But as good of a job as you did, I am NOW even MORE perfect! I look a lot like Jesus now mommy!
Please remember how much I love you. We will be together soon! The best way you can love me NOW though, is to love who is caring for me. Love Him with ALL of your heart!
( It sounds like He’s the only thing worth loving down there anyway!)
Ok…well I better go. Jesus is so anxious to spend time playing with me! (He never sleeps!)

Mommy I can’t imagine being loved more! I am in such good hands! And I will see you soon mommy. Jesus and I are praying for you!

Until we meet again….remember I am loving you from Heaven….

~your baby

The Greatest Blessing Ministry © All Rights Reserved

My sweet daughters Maizy 3, and Mia 6 busily worked their best penmanship and signed the cards with the baby's name/names. It was a beautiful touch and certainly made them feel important in helping make hurting mommies feel better,

and being a part of their baby brothers ministry.

(We love you sweet Macsen! Don't wear Jesus out too much......

when we get there we want to play with Him too! XO)

{sToRm}

2009-05-05T20:33:00.001-07:00

Come quickly King Jesus....

{wE nEeD eAcHoThEr}

2009-05-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yes I am their mommy- BUTT this picture of my babies cute butts is THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! My sweet friend Amy is a professional photographer, (shocker, I know) and she took us out for a photo shoot months back and this was one of many of the gems captured.

When I look at this shot it brings so much to mind. The closeness clearly shared between them is needless to say, powerful. Often as this journey of life unfolds, it is becoming more and more clear to me that we not only need God, but we need each other. I think about the minutes, and hours and days after Macsen went Home and how surrounded and loved I felt by God's people. I was cared for and loved on in selfless ways that NOTHING and NO ONE had shown me before in my life! Yet, there was nothing other then every one's exterior appearance (skin color, features, builds, etc) that could have clued an on-looker to the fact that these people were not "family".

What they did not know, is that they indeed were, and of a "family" that has the best daddy/Abba in all of the world! Even if His will was for my son to live there instead of here.... He is good ALL the time!

We have this "family" that we need! God uses our hands and feet to support each other, love each other and comfort each other.

Can I encourage you out there to LET them! Let them love you and care for you! By the same token BEING His hands and feet is what we are called to be as well! From personal experience, it has been monumental in healing my broken heart! Providing comfort using my gifts and talents to maybe ease the pain of others is more of a gift to me actually!? What a paradox?!

Giving when something has been taken.

Sharing when you feel like you have nothing to share.

Helping when you so often feel like you need help.

We need each other.....I hope to hold your hand and walk the rocky cobblestone path we've been called to. I can promise you that one day soon, it will transform into streets of gold.

And this long, hard and mundane walk will no doubt turn to a joyful skip!

{bEhInD tHe ScEnEs}

2009-04-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

So, time has gotten away from me with all the responsibilities of single parenting , taking care of my own health (finally) and doing this ministry and all of it's tasks. Please be in prayer, as behind the scenes, the often lengthy process of becoming a tax deductable organization insue with the ministry. The following is the "narrative" that basically is my "advertisement" to the IRS in revealing the need for this ministry. In case you are wondering....I promise there will be no more " " to irritate you in the following sentences! :) Instead my prayer is that these words will be gripping in the hearts of those that make the decision (swiftly) of this ministry being given a bigger platform. GOD OPEN EYES AND HEARTS AND POUR YOUR SPIRIT OF FAVOR AND COMPASSION ON THEM AS ONLY YOU CAN.......MAY THIS MINISTRY DRAW HEARTS TO YOU AND YOUR LOVE!

The Greatest Blessing Narrative

There is little that can disarm and tear at the heart of an expectant mother like having her baby pass away. Diagnosed with a terminal illness while still in the womb, or stillborn with no explanation, the level of trauma and heartache that she and the family will go through is more then words can really convey. Statistics of this tragic scenario taking place is far more then one might expect. There are 109 stillbirths that happen each day in this country alone. That is over 40,000 babies who’s mothers, and families, will be hurting and struggling to understand, and wade through the sea of emotion that is inevitably to follow. Their faith or lack there of is likely to take the biggest hit of all.

On December 15th, 2007 my world was forever changed as I stepped foot into the hospital, very sure that my son, Macsen Danforth was no longer with us but had made his exodus Home, Home to be with the Lord. My stay at the hospital was long. This was a fairly new experience for me, grief. It was difficult being on the receiving end of so many tears and speechlessness. Even the nurses were unsure what to say or how to say it. Pictures were taken of my boy, and foot and hand casts were made, all a blessing to me in these painful hours. But I also remember being presented a “memory box” from the staff. A box that held no beauty, importance or presence of hope in this Heaven that I was sure my son now lived. I am a very visual person and I don’t only find inspiration and motivation from beautiful things, but I also know now that I find comfort in my grief from it as well. This box I was given was not something that I felt comfort from or saw myself presenting, proudly to anyone that might come to visit. Of course, I was gracious and grateful for the thought, but I recall thinking that this idea could be so much more. Nothing can replace this sweet life that I have had to temporarily say good bye to, but keeping his things somewhere lovely certainly had its place in this pain I was feeling.

When I arrived home from the hospital I became obsessed with finding others out there in the world of internet that had walked this same painful road, and had lived to tell about it. There was much to find, and many that were walking it. But few if any were walking it with the veracious confidence in the place their little ones were now living. Few that clung to the hope in Heaven that we as Christians most certainly have. Day after day passed, all while I gathered mental notes and received a vision to pursue creating the very thing that I was sure would have been comfort to me, a beautiful memory box. It would serve as a perfect example of what my eyes could look upon as a reminder of the place beyond this world that my baby now lived. A place I could look forward to sharing with him one day. I could remind myself of that place when the pain would all but drown me in tears.
I was anxious and driven to construct a box, one more appropriate for my boy and all of his earthly things. It came to me quickly and when I was finished I felt peace about this place I could put all things of Macsen’s, my son.

The genesis of The Greatest Blessing was soon after a reality. One by one I was given news of others that were experiencing this same tragedy and I came along side and served them with what I knew from experience would be some comfort.
As the days passed by I was contacting anyone and everyone that I felt had some kind of item or talent that would be a blessed addition to the box. My first real thought was to add a tea to the box that when consumed would help aid the mommy’s body in halting the lactation process. After saying good bye to your baby, having the constant reminder of the absence of that little one to feed is like reopening the wound over and over. Also accumulated in this box were a journal and pen, a candle for lighting in remembrance, a flaxseed and lavender pillow for warming and holding in times when empty arms are overwhelming. There is also a necklace for mommy with a pendant of a baby’s foot print and also a small gender specific colored baby bracelet. Grief books, angel lapel pin and a note from me. The hope is that eventually, as more and more donors are contacted and burdened to help, that these boxes will be so crammed with therapeutic and loving gifts that the box is a challenge to close.

Initially the thinking was that these boxes would be meant to serve those in my immediate local community, however, after starting the ministry blog and crossing the path of so many other families it has been a real honor to send several boxes back east and in extending cities here is the Pacific Northwest. It is a sadly needed ministry. There are similar ministries out there, but this one is unique in its premise. The box is hand painted and decorated in a heavenly style to help divert eyes off of the temporal and onto the eternal. Not just that, but the thought, heart and experience that has gone into each gift within this box. All selected as I draw from my own heartbreaking loss.

Nothing and no one can bring these little lives back. But there is One that can heal their hurt and reveal to them the purpose He intends for this chosen journey. My consuming prayer is that this memory box and all of its contents will reveal this One to them.
This One that is King Jesus.

{eNoUgH}

2009-04-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ok.....so I know this might come as a SHOCKER to many of you (it did me....not really), but this world is "worldly" everyday, all the time, and most definitely screaming at anyone that has been called to: The Kingdom and it's furthering. (If any of you are a bit hazy...that would be all of us. Some are just a bit more privy to that reality then others is all).

We are aliens here. The minute that we begin to feel "comfortable" is the minute that I pray for myself, that I would drop to my knees and beg God to send a legion of His angels to hold me up and guide me in my chosen road to journey on.

My heart has suffered much, my eyes have seen more then any should. But losing my baby is the most earthquaking thing that has happened to me to date. I expect that many of you would concur. Many of you out there know that same pain. BUT......WHO creates actual earthquakes? WHO whispers to the volcanoes to show their life? WHO made that baby in your womb to begin with? My point is this- do we honestly want to attempt to live in this world, and all of it's "worldliness" without the power of the Holy Spirit. Without being as close to and in as sync with as absolutely possible? The very spirit that carried those sweet babies Home to a paradise that not even the most vivid of imaginations could dream of....is the same spirit that empowers you and I to live in this foreign land. To live in it in a way that draws many, sings peace, and brings fame to a very real King we all know and love!

This week I am meditating on a song. (I do that alot. I have zero pitch....you will never tell me I should be on American Idol. Yet some how or another along the way in life, music has become a very important way that in which I convey my heart and "journal" my thoughts.) The song is one you are likely familiar with. It is done often. But when it is sung by young women whom which I know have very similar desires as I, and know this world like we as woman clearly do....it brings even more power to the melody, and to the words.

My God's enough for me!

This world has nothing for me!

He is enough....HE IS!

{wIlD HoRsEs}

2009-04-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

If it were even possible, to tattoo "a song" to your skin, as a way of conveying personal meaning, purpose, or power to you......the song playing would be tattooed all over me.

Wild Horses.....I picture Macsen in paradise with them. Enjoying their company. Their distinct smell and presence. Soaking in their loveliness! An utterly perfect depiction of the place that he now lives.

I grew up on a Morgan horse ranch in Wyoming, so horses are an intricate, strong and beautiful memory in my childhood. One that I replay in my adult mind often. It brings me peace. Horses represent to me youth, beauty, gentleness, peace and freedom in a way that words could never fully convey.

But this song also very much speaks of my love for my Jesus. My love, that inspite of what darkness comes my way, inspite of what storms I am called to swim, inspite of what he gives or takes away from me in this life......Wild Horses could'nt drag me away from HIM.

Jesus,You ARE youth, beauty, gentleness, peace and freedom to me like nothing I have ever tasted before.

When people meet me, I pray that YOU being tattooed all over me, is all that they see!

(Turn the song up loud! It's best that way! Jesus is best that way too.....LOUD)

{ThEy Do NoT uNdErStAnD}

2009-04-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

There is so much in this life that is intended to bring us down.

Satan hates us, by the way. Did you know that? He hates us and all that we represent....God's adored children and the object of His perfect love!

So really, why are we surprised so much dark and horribly wrong things happen here? And then we go and blame no one other then, GOD, of course.....because if He really loved us He wouldn't allow these things to happen. If He were actually real then all of the hurt and pain in this world wouldn't happen as it does. (Are you sensing my sarcasm, because I am laying it on pretty thick!)

WRONG.

It would greatly behoove us all to get our noses in our bibles more then once a week and really read what the pages are saying to us. Really dissect each statement and claim. God is who He says He is.

He is the ALMIGHTY.
He is LOVING.
He is FOR us and not against us.
He is MERCIFUL.
He is FORGIVING.
He is THE REDEEMER!

All that this life hands us, is handed to us, only after it passes through His Holy and GOOD hands. He does not enjoy seeing us hurt, cry, squirm, suffer, or fear. He is with us always and His desire is for us to hold onto Him and His word. Sometimes that may seem like alot to ask. It does to me sometimes.

To be perfectly real with anyone reading this, I struggle often in REALLY giving it over to Him. I sit by and hold back from saying alot on the topic in circles of other "Christians" (mainly the ones that I am not in intimate and close relationship with). I hold back because I can see in their eyes that they just do not get it. Occasionally you come across a person or two in your life that has the gifting of very much "putting" themselves in your shoes, and they have a depth of compassion that others don't get. I have a few friends like that and I am constantly blessed at their level of doing all that they can to relate and be there for me. BUT, most people hear about your hurts, hear about where God has you and what He's called you to walk, and you feel like they are just looking at you with pitiful eyes thinking: THIS is what you need to do__________ THIS is what I would do_____________ Wow, I know I wouldn't be so removed from knowing what God wants me to do if I were in her shoes. I would do it differently. I would do it BETTER! To put it bluntly, they judge you!

Let me just say,those people.... how do I say this nicely.....they do not get it! They are ignorant, to put it lightly, to what it is exactly that this very bumpy, sad, lonely, and occasionally dark journey looks like. This journey of being called to say good-bye to a child that you never got to know! Or this child that was such a part of this family that we miss so much! Or this little life that we had such dreams for, that was meant to fill my arms with love!

THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

But there is One.....One who does. He is the only One that can fully understand, fully grasp, fully relate, and FULLY HEAL! There is only One- JESUS!

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Isaiah 53:3

Father God, You are all we ever need! My head knows that......my heart struggles though. It is missing a small boy and a marriage that is dissolving before her very eyes. You are capable of all things and you are a giving and loving Father. I ask that you hold close those hurting as they read, (or write) and show up in their life this week in such powerful and tender ways that they and I can get true glimmers of the abundance of life and blessings you have in store for us.

Spur us on to live for you, your glory, your fame, and your

IMMINENT second coming! Hallelujah!

We love you.....help us show you just how much!!!!!!!

In Jesus Mighty and matchless name, AMEN!

{ViCtOrY}

2009-04-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Death and the grave have no hold on our Jesus!

He is why today is such a celebration!

It is because of today that we have assurance that we will be reunited with our babies!

Victory!

In Christ alone....we have victory!

Praise you King Jesus!

{HiM He HiS}

2009-04-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

There is something in the air. The winds of change in the spiritual. They are always changing you know?! Heightening as the inevitable day approaches of our Kings return, and the defeated foes demise. Recall that you and I do not know when the Lord is coming to get us....but nor does Satan. He is subject to watching the signs just as we are. And when He sees God showering this world with His spirit and filling His people to overflowing, rest assure that Satan takes notice. And then ensues his "showering".

I feel the "showering" right now. The best way I can explain it is that I feel like I am in this world, but not of it. My citizenship is in Heaven. BUT, I feel pulled and lured like never before in my life. I picture it as if I am wearing a baggy shirt or sweater- so baggy that I can sit and pull it over my knees as I hold them tightlyto my chest. As though I am in a tucked ball position, my head down. Just outside of me, and my sweater, I am being pulled on every side! Some pulls have a bit more force then others, but they are all there, and they are most definitely constant.

I think it can clearly be seen in my latest posts that this might be true. More, I believe to be due to the time of year in which we are in. Alot of "events" happen in these next coming weeks, that have proved in the last year or 2 to be spiritually heavy for me. It's not like me to wallow, sulk or feel depressed. But like I said, these are heavy times in my small world. It's crazy, what this life dishes our way. What places we end up that we never would have predicted. Nor would we have asked for. And I don't like all that I have been facing lately. In fact, if I were real honest, I hate it! But I am in it, and there is only one thing to be done. Walk it, and walk it hand in hand with Him, King Jesus. He doesn't always feel like He is there, but I know He is. I certainly do not know where all of this is leading me either, but He does. He knows it for you as well!

The end of the story, ladies, is a good one! It is loud with victory and shower soaked in His goodness. And we will be with Him for all of eternity! This world can pull, tug, it can whisper it's lies, and offer it's temptations, but at the end of the day, remember who's you are: HIS!

Remember that as you struggle and feel ripped apart......

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them:

because greater is He that is in you,

than he that is in the world.

1 John 4:4 KJV

(Ye, means you by the way....for anyone out there that needed to have that pointed out. YOU!!!)

{hOmEsIcK....aGaIn}

2009-04-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today, the most important man I had ever known, took his last breathe .

My daddy.

I was extremely close to him. We lived in different states, and I wasn't able to see him as often as I would have liked. You know....life happened: marriage, work, kids etc. But when we would speak on the phone, he seemed to take great joy in speaking to me, hearing about my latest challenges and ideas, and all of life's unavoidable heartaches. We were close and I know he loved me much.

His passing was beyond hard. My first real taste of death and all of it's foul flavor. It also fell at the fragile beginnings of some much needed healing in a relationship I had that had delivered me much betrayal. I was already hurting, and my daddy dieing soon took over all my energies and focus. Grief is so exhausting, isn't it? It hurts like what I imagine a perpetual heart attack being like- You can barely breathe, the pain quite intense in your chest, and you are suffocated completely with anxiety. As difficult as that time was, soon after it's news I was surrounded with hope. (I will get to that in a minute)

My daddy grew up in an home and boarding school that was very Episcopalian. He was unmistakably a cowboy. A marine. A man. A gentle spirit. You could never meet someone more charming, witty, tender, intelligent, kind and enjoyable to be around in all of your life. He is an impossible act to follow, my daddy! But I wasn't certain of his place with God or what kind of relationship he had with Him. (the minute is up now...) That is until the evening before He died, I was told he gave his life to Christ, (Praise God! Prayer works!!!) and therein entered into his eternal home, Heaven.

Thank you Jesus for your mercy.

I miss him beyond words. He was my friend. He was my daddy. He still is my daddy. His residents has changed is all. And as much as I miss him, I am very grateful, really, that he did not have to be here to watch his daughter go through the heartache of her lifetime, her baby passing. I believe that would have been more then his tender heart and his baby blues could bear.

So now, as I bow my head to pray, I often picture my daddy in the presence of a most merciful and loving God. And as he basks in His holiness, he holds his only grandson and they play, sing, and laugh, as they enjoy their new Home.....together!

Wishing I were there.

Missing you daddy! I love you!

Danforth Beal

May 25th, 1929-April 3, 2007

*****Doesn't he look just like the Marlboro man?! Such a stud! That's my daddy!!!*****

{GoDsPeEd}

2009-03-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

This week many months ago, my only son was conceived. That thought is not only sad for the very obvious reason that he is not here with us anymore, but also because his parents are apart and his big sisters are left to wade through the grief, trauma, disappointment and confusion of being from a broken home. For us here, our home is broken.

For Macsen, THERE, his home is utterly complete!

I miss you everyday, all day. I am, however, so grateful you are FREE!

I am very sure that as your mommy I will never stop longing to hold you. To rock you to sleep. To nurse you until your tummy is full. To see those glittering eyes shine at me as you smile and laugh your way around the grass playing football (or your version of it anyway ;).

I will never stop missing you.

I will never stop thinking about what you are doing.

So I am left to do one thing:

I am left to LIVE.

Living by loving, loving by serving, serving by knowing that my prayers are being heard. Prayers of Godspeed in my life, my broken heart, and for the life of my girls. And believing that the same God that is playing with you, my sweet little boy, is loving me too.

Oh how very much your mommy loves you, Macsen!

Sweet dreams little man.....

{uPdAtInG}

2009-03-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Doing a few updates to the site right now. please bear with me....this is an education. my hope is to make this ministry more followable (is that a word) and create a space that is more user friendly to order a box. also....be looking in the future for "boutique" items.there will be items to buy to honor your little one, but also to help support this ministry to thrive to the glory of God.

I hope to have this place looking fine and very thorough soon! thank you for your patience. also....for those that come to hear my rantings and occasional words of encouragement,
FAITH JOURNAL will be where I will continue to pour out my heart. The good, the bad, the ugly. The real!

{i BeLiEvE}

2009-03-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

Why must there be so much pain here?

Why do people choose to see that which they do not have, versus what they do have?

Why do my prayers seem unanswered?

Why is God not breaking certain hearts for what is right and waking them up to truth?

Why am I a mommy that has a deceased baby boy?

I do not have one answer to any of these questions. And I likely won't, this side of Heaven.
A friend asked me tonight if I ever get to a point where I am like, when will all these trials end?Yes I do. I ask and I get no answer. He doesn't always say something. He isn't always obvious and clear. BUT He is always there. And as the words to this powerful song so articulate my world as of late, (and many reading I am sure will relate as well) this is my response:

I BELIEVE.

That is enough. He is enough.

HE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL MY QUESTIONS

(I recommend starting the song below by Barlow Girl, close to the top and just sitting back and taking it in. If I could sing (which I SO can not....I would say this is a "my mantra song", if I have ever heard one!

{wOnDeR wOmAn}

2009-03-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

It is such a comfort to know that God is on His thrown. That He is indeed sovereign, and nothing gets past His eyes that roam this entire earth. Nor do His eyes miss what He sees in our heart. I certainly do not ignorantly think that my heart has yet arrived. I am wretched at best and am daily in need of repentance and cleansing. But in this season in my life I feel as though the wicked are prospering, and that this world is pulling on me from all sides whispering lies and temptations with vigor like never before!

The bible says that in our weakness, He is strong. That means I should be a super hero right now, due to the fact that I have clearly, never been so weak! I actually, as childish as it is, like to picture myself as a super hero.....spiritually speaking of course. As though I am no other then - WONDER WOMAN... in this dark kingdom of spiritual warfare! I picture myself as I once OBSESSIVELY watched Linda Carter in all of her strength and ability, save the day, get the bad guy, and still manage to have an utter grace and femininity to her! All, of course, while maintaining perfect make up and oh-so fashionable hair! Truth be told, as a little girl I owned the WONDER WOMAN pantie/tank top set and wore it until it was unrecognizable! I so wanted to be her. Little did I know that in order to "be" her in any capacity as a grown up it meant, one day, I would need to walk through so very much! Fortunately, this WONDER WOMAN is being carried!

How entertaining it is to sit by and watch Hollywood come out depicting all the super heroes I so hypnotically watched weekly in those choppy, bad acting television shows of the time.(Wow do I feel old sharing that!) I am eager to see WONDER WOMAN come out in all it's color and visuals possibly someday soon. Too bad Hollywood's credentials for casting her will likely be utter beauty and fame. If they knew our God and His casting hopefuls how differently they might likely choose. (I mean I do wear cuffs like she did. Doesn't that count for something? Of course she would need to go from being a buxom brunette to a very PAID TO BE THIS BLONDE-BLONDE!) All kidding aside, I am actually thinking about the trials I have had to endure that "qualify" me for that casted role in my own small world. How I pray He uses them to make me, His WONDER WOMAN.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5 :10

MAY MY LIFE GLORIFY YOU KING JESUS. YOU ARE THE WONDER. I'M JUST A WOMAN. (THAT FEELS LIKE A very little girl MOST OF THE TIME!)

{hElP}

2009-03-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

This post will be brief. I am desperate for your help. Prayer is much needed. This is as detailed as I will get:

- serious financial provision needed

-I hate being single! anyone that has been married and then NOT, can attest to the gamut of struggles it poses. all new territory for me

-not at all enough free time to be Megan. single parenting sucks! Having a hard time enjoying my girls when the world is screaming "RESPONSIBILITIES!"

-My health is poor. I am a full fledged health nut, but have been treating my body like a trash can. I am taking back my health and have been back in the gym and back to eating well (and just plain eating for that matter!)

-I feel very oppressed this week in my time in the word. I don't want to be in it! Anyone that knows me well knows that is highly off!

I am finding my attitude very frustrated lately. The level of responsibilities that have gone up in my little world, were it to be written down feels like it could equal Moby Dick. Not to be short changed by all the emotion in my home. i.e. Divorce, Macsen, new ministry and single parenting!

Please lift me when you think of it. I am truly hurting! I could use some Calgon, and a tropical vacation for a month with someone who gives a rip about me!. (I know....I can keep on dreaming!)

{hOmE}

2009-03-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

Today I went to my mailbox, on a very typical and wet day in the Pacific Northwest. In God's perfect timing my will arrived for me to proof. Perfect because, oddly, it lifted me up.

It reads as follows:

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF MEGAN GEBHARDT

Know all men by these Presents, that I, MEGAN REBECCA GEBHARDT, a citizen of the United States of America and a resident of Multnomah County, Oregon, being of sound and disposing mind and not acting under duress, menace, fraud or undue influence of any person whomsoever, and realizing, " it is the lot of men once to die and then cometh judgement," trusting that God has made me His own child and has kept me in personal fellowship with Himself so that, purely by His grace I can say, " the course that (God) set I have finished, and i have kept the faith. the future holds for me the crown of righteousness which god, the righteous judge will give to me in that day....and not, of course, only to me but to all of those that have loved what they have seen in Him." (II Timothy 4:7-8)

(There is a great deal of Charlie Brown's teacher that follows.....WAh, wah. Wah. wha.....wha, wha.)

Then....

1.2 DESCENDANTS. My presently living children are:

MIA BROOKE GEBHARDT, born October 13th, 2002
MAIZY BLY GEBHARDT, born June 26th, 2005

References to "my children" shall include any child later born to or adopted by me.

(This is such a statement of HOPE. My girls often ask me if we can pray for another baby. And after I get past the thought- God is done with imaculate conceptions....I remember, God is God. He has so much new and exciting things planned for us. Adopting, whatever?! HERE IS WHERE I GOT ROCKED TO MY CORE AND FELL ON MY FACE BEFORE A MOST DESERVING GOD! )

My child, MACSEN DANFORTH GEBHARDT, is now deceased and a resident of

Heaven.

Words CANNOT convey the emotion I felt when reading that. Small statement, with a whole lot of meaning and power to this mommy that misses her little man so! How is it that a small person that is no longer here, is able to give me strength and purpose to press on and see hope in all the dark?! Intercession on the lap of Jesus comes to mind.

Words are not adequate, but.....

Jesus.....oh how I love you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

HOLD US. OPEN OUR EYES TO YOU,

AND YOUR WILL FATHER. REVEAL TO US OUR REAL HOME. HOW WE CAN STRIVE TOWARDS IT IN ALL WE DO HERE. NOW.

BRING FORTH YOUR SPIRIT TO CHARGE THE HEARTS OF THE DADDY'S !!!! NO MATTER THE COST, SWEET JESUS! YOU ARE WORTHY....TO YOU BE THE GLORY KING JESUS!

{fAiTh}

2009-03-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

Last night at my bible study, Beth Moore,(but of course)..... got fired up about faithand how it conquers ALL ! This passage was one of many that leapt off the page to me....

And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions,
(Satan is the lion remember, click HERE for more HOW TO in the

"shutting up of Satan dept." :) and quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. ~Hebrews 11:32-34

To attempt to retell ALL that Beth taught would be futile and frankly would just make me look pathetic and quite sad. So, instead, I am going to give you the " Megan interpreted translation" , also known as "the below Layman's terms-terms"! OK?! Simply put....it is what my ears heard, and what my spirit received.......

Dear one.....our God wants us to GROW! His desire is for us to understand His strength and ability in us and our lives, by allowing us to get our knees scraped, hearts broken, and lives rattled! After all He is far more concerned with our character and courage in Him, then in our comfort, AMEN!!!!!

If you look through that passage and read the bold, you will see that there is redemption and purpose! Does that make only me want to get up and do a serious leap for joy?! OUR LOSS IS OUR GAIN YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! RECEIVE THAT! MEDITATE ON IT! KNOW IT! GOD LOVES US SO MUCH, THAT HE DID ALLOW US TO GO THROUGH THIS PAIN! I hope my enthusiasm and faith translates. I certainly do not under-play the pain and it's paralyzing capability. I went through it too, remember ! I think it's length is different for us all, and is predicated on how much faith we CHOOSE to exhibit!

Beloved....He loves you so much, that He gave His ONLY son. He gets it! He knows how we feel! He is there, and He wants us to grow from it! Gain from it! His desire is for our faith to grow, and if we ask Him to help us in that area, He is faithful to do so!

BLESSED FATHER.....YOU ARE THE ALMIGHTY, AND WORTHY OF OUR PRAISE! GROW OUR HEARTS FOR YOUR AGENDA GOD! GROW OUR FAITH AS WE FACE EACH DAY HERE WITHOUT OUR BABIES! MOLD US TO YOUR IMAGE AND AS WE READ THIS VERY PRAYER, IGNITE IN US HOLY SPIRIT ANOINTING TO LIVE A LIFE THAT EXUDES YOU AND THE POWER YOU SO DESIRE TO PLACE IN OUR SPIRITS. FOR YOUR GLORY, AND YOUR GLORY ALONE KING JESUS! WE LOVE YOU.....HELP US SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am praying for you, my sisters. One day we will be able to hold, cuddle, kiss, love, and laugh with those babies we so miss today! God has all of eternity to make it up to us! Let's gain some rewards to go along with it along the way! It will be worth our while! HE PROMISES THAT, AND I BELIEVE HIM!

Thank you FAITH!

{aMbAsSaDoR}

2009-03-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

My latest prayer is one that I can say with a lot of certainty, God will honor. (How often can you say that, I ask?) It goes something like this: God, help me to be preoccupied with You, and all things of You. See, Jesus told us not to worry about what we will wear, or what we would eat, etc. That if we seek first His kingdom, that all of those things will be taken care of. So, in a day and age where we can get, and do get preoccupied with hobbies, people, computers, habits, to-do lists, work, television, OURSELVES- I two want to be preoccupied, only preoccupied with God and His agenda! Not mine.

Lately the passage from 2 Corinthians 5:20 has been really preoccupying my mind.

We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.

I have been a Christian for sometime now. Sadly, I have to admit to being a JOKE of a Christian for many years. One that believed that Jesus was Lord, yes. (Even the demons believe that-James 2:19) But I was walking more in my carnal man then in my spirit man. Living to please the flesh and quick to prostitute the promises of God forgiving me! Sadly I see more of those kinds of Christians out there today, then I did then. It is wise to survey our own walks from time to time and ask ourselves if we are shining as brightly as we are called to.

Being an ambassador for Christ is no small role. In fact, it is quite a lofty one. Read this definition of ambassador and see what I mean:

am⋅bas⋅sa⋅dor

/æmˈbæsədər, -ˌdɔr/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [am-bas-uh-der, -dawr] Show IPA
–noun
1. a diplomatic official of the highest rank, sent by one sovereign or state to another as its resident representative (ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary).

2. a diplomatic official of the highest rank sent by a government to represent it on a temporary mission, as for negotiating a treaty.

3. a diplomatic official serving as permanent head of a country's mission to the United Nations or some other international organization.

4. an authorized messenger or representative. Abbreviation: Amb., amb.

Forgive me for my English, but does that kick ass or what! God clearly thinks a lot of us, AMEN?!

I am still quite stumped as to why He does, but He does! Being His ambassador took on an all new charge when my Macsen went Home to live with Him. I have a hunch He knew it would.(Romans 8:28) Sharing Him with others has a whole new level of urgency. Particularly when serving a family that has just faced their little one going to live in Heaven before them. Being a good person isn't going to ensure their place in Heaven. Jesus made it crystal clear:

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. " ~John 14:6

I know this hurt. I know this pain. I know this ache. I know this suffering. BUT, I also know the King! So many of these precious people, do not!

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" ~Isaiah 6:8

And so I say: God, here I am. Send me! (Below: business card of my imagination. Insert your name?)

Megan Gebhardt

Ambassador for The King: CHRIST JESUS

_____________________________________

His Kingdom come, on earth be done, as it is in Heaven.

{fReEdOm}

2009-03-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

{Go to playlist and click on Freedom by Run Kid Run. Praise Him! He is so good!}

{yOuR mArRiAgE}

2009-02-23T20:01:00.001-08:00

It was encouraging to me when I got home from the hospital 14 plus months ago, to sit and search on the Internet for someone out there that knew this fresh pain I was feeling. There was a lot, and yet I never really found a lot for me. I am such a visual person, and placing my thoughts on things visual help me to learn, enjoy, adapt, comprehend, and now I also know, it helps to grieve. It meant a lot to me to have a beautiful thing, something tangible to remind me of the place that my boy now lives. (And he is LIVING! Beyond our wildest dreams! sigh )So in a way, it is a natural progression in this walk of mourning my son, to create something visual to cradle, not only myself, but also others. The Holy Spirit can do so much with so little......a box, a kind word, a boy, a stone and a sling. Me.

I was also, however, very burdened at how there was NOTHING out there for the men in our lives that are going through this, no less then us, but in a very different way. Sure there is a book here and there, and an occasional forum or brochure, but nothing that can really be a support and aid to them in this, likely, new experience. As anyone reading this blog knows, men and women do grief in very different ways. I often say that grief is no less personal and unique then a fingerprint is. Every person grieves differently as well. But I am sad to see little out there for these guys. Marriages take a real blow to the gut when a child dies. Regardless of the circumstances that led up to that horrible day. Marriages struggle, they hurt, they teeter, and all too often, they fail.

Mine did.

Now if you asked my husband 'was your son's death the cause', he would tell you no. Much rotting occurred before that unpredicted day. But it was indeed, the final event that gave way to it's collapse! Details are irrelevant. God has seen all. He has been there through it all. (Thank you Jesus!) A marriage can't happen with only 1 person fighting for it!!!!!!

I am speaking to all of you reading this right now. Whether you know loss, or do not. Whether there is break down or there is none. One thing is sure: There is a certain roaring lion prowling around looking for someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8

Satan has come to steal, kill, and destroy. -John 10:10 Don't let him destroy your marriage. That is the very relationship that God intended for us to reflect His love for us! SELFLESS, CARING, FORGIVING, WITHOUT PRIDE, OVERFLOWING, CONSISTENT, SUPPORTIVE, TENDER, MERCIFUL, GENEROUS,PASSIONATE, STRONG, INTIMATE, BEAUTIFUL, (did I mention SELFLESS?).-1 Cor. 13:4-8

Your baby is gone....FOR A TIME! Gone from our arms here, and placed in perfect ones, THERE!

Marriage takes work. It takes admitting you need guidance, direction, accountability, and help to make it all it CAN be. Fight the good fight (with the enemy) and press on toward the goal! Think of the crown you will get to cast at Jesus' feet one day, upon which is engraved:

COVENANT KEPT-MARRIED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(Shameless plug for Fireproof the movie! If you haven't seen it, see it! Do not rent... BUY! It is amazing! Life is about choices. Either good or bad....we live with the REWARDS or CONSEQUENCES. Strive for that crown people.......something tells me it will be one of the most bejeweled you can EARN )

{My GlAdIaToR vAlEnTiNe}

2009-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

To my little Valentine, Macsen! How proud your mommy is of you. Your life is a blessing in this heart of mine, and is touching other hearts with blessings everyday. I imagine you playing and laughing in a place that my tiny imagination can not fathom. Warmth on your sweet face, a twinkle in those big brown eyes, and a mischievous, gummy grin as you play with Jesus. I am so grateful you will never know heartbreak, pain, fear, deception, or betrayal. Peace washes over me when I remember that.

A Valentine is someone you love, that you want to express that love to in a way that you don't normally get to. Your sisters hear their mommy tell them dozens of times a day how much I love them. So it is to YOU that I give this Valentine.

Macsen Danforth, I love you so very much! You are my little Gladiator. A mighty warrior for my King, and more of a man then anything I have ever known! I am so honored to call you my son! Until we meet again baby.......my heart will fly!

~Mommy

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

{gAtHeRiNg Of HoPe}

2009-02-09T21:33:00.000-08:00

This might look like like some random, and insignificant collection/project of an avid crafter/wanna-be-artist......but it is indeed so much more. Each one of these hearts represent the life of a baby that was taken away into the arms of the Lord. Too soon for us left behind, but just in time for the ones now there celebrating.

This past Saturday night, I had the immense honor of being part of of something breathe taking. The hospital where my son was "born", has never had a memorial service to bless the hurting families of infant loss, but also give a place where those babies could be celebrated, grieved for, and remembered. This breathe taking event was very appropriately called,
The Gathering of Hope.

My lovely friend, and the very one that took every precious picture of my sweet boy, Amy, was the vessel from which God laid on her heart to reach out, share and create this night for these families that she has spent some very intimate moments with. She is a volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but she is so much more. She is my dear friend. She is an angel.

The night was filled with Jesus in so many more ways then I could accurately describe. He was again there, real, and moving on HIS behalf! (There is no one else in the world that can be ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES and have it come off so OK! Am I right?! He is so amazing!)

Hearts were moved and yet still. Eyes were crying, but seeing hope, babies were being remembered and yet have never been forgotten! I for one, am a very proud mommy of an angel saint baby! I think we all had a bit of pride that night. Those babies have taught us more then we can really explain. They have been part of the potters tool chest to help shape us into His likenesses. For so many of us, these sweet babies are the very reason that we sprint into the arms of the very God that holds them so tenderly close to Himself now.

Each of these ornaments I made for those left here to grieve. But the gift that these babies have left in the hearts for us that are grieving, is above and beyond any tangible object or thing. It is likely the very thing that has ushered us into the throne room with the King. For now only in our spirit and mind....but one day to be redeemed to reality. These small lives have undoubtedly changed who we are forever, and hopefully for the better. I pray that as the days and weeks go on, that those that attended that are not walking with the Lord will ask themselves, WHY AM I NOT? Like what on earth else is there?

GOD...YOU ARE HOLY AND GOOD. I PRAY NOW THAT YOUR SPIRIT WOULD ENCOMPASS EACH HEART THAT WAS THERE. THAT YOU WOULD SEND ANGELS TO PROTECT THEM, SERVANTS TO SERVE THEM, AND THAT YOU LORD, WOULD SING OVER THEM AS THEY SLEEP. THAT THEY WOULD AWAKE WITH YOU ON THEIR MIND AND IN THEIR HEART. MAY MANY COME TO SERVE YOU, AND REMEMBER THAT THE ULTIMATE GATHERING OF HOPE WILL ONLY TAKE PLACE AT YOUR FEET, IN HEAVEN.

AS THEY HOLD THEIR BABIES IN THEIR ARMS!

{a NiGhT tO rEmEmBeR}

2009-02-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

Envision me, on the highest peak of a snow covered mountain. Breeze blowing, sky blue and lit by the sun and all it's fire. Screaming at the top of my lungs:

GOD......I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People....we serve a very good God! Good not because He gives us what we want when we ask it. He doesn't always. Good, not because we feel like we have somehow convinced Him to go along with our brilliant ideas and made them to happen. No, He is good, because HE IS!

There are moments in all of our life where we can say we felt Him there. Tasted His very presence, heard Him speak to us, or just flat out knew, without a shadow of a doubt that HE, with everything else He has going on, showed up in our little lives and suffocated our situation with His love, peace, provision, words, promises, and very presence.

On Friday night, God did all of that, and so much more! My weak little vocabulary can not convey fully to you how very held, carried, guided and anointed I felt that night, or the very room felt.

There were over 55 items up for auction. Over 25 volunteers. At least 65 plus guests that attended, and more sweets that i can say! Yum! And all told, The Greatest Blessing raised approximately $2700.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That could serve at least 50 families alone with a memory box to help remind them of the small life that they WILL see again!

I was so outrageously grateful to the Lord for all that He did, and allowed and blessed me with, that on Saturday, I gave it ALL to Him. By ALL, I mean.....ALL of my voice?! Let me explain....

So I put on my iShuffle (as to make it that I can in no way hear myself, of course, Aghh!), and I sang to Him all day long! So much so, that by the time I came to church that evening I sounded like a sad, raspy almost sickly version of myself! But....

He was worth it!

He is so good. And I do not know about you, but lately, He has been given me some BIG ideas that are clearly STRETCHING me and my thinking, comfort, and know-how. But He is always there to make it alright! This night was a perfect exaple of that!

Did I mention how much I love God?!

I am sorry you couldn't be there......maybe next year? I have a feeling it will be even BETTER!

{GOD IS SO GOOD!}

{hOpE iN hEaVeN}

2009-01-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

Friday

January 30th, 2009

7-9 pm

Greater Gresham Baptist Church

3848 NE Division StreetGresham, Oregon 97030

Hope In Heaven Dessert and Silent Auction benefit to raise money so that The Greatest Blessing can continue to share the comfort of others, the love of Christ, and the promise He paid for us....our Hope in Heaven.

Thank you Jesus!

{tHe AuCtIoN}

2009-01-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

There is a great deal to be excited about in this little world, called my life. God has shown Himself faithful and true, time and time again. That is such a lovely thing to bathe in after knowing intense betrayal in my short time here on earth. Our God means what He says, and He does what He says. Box by box that goes into the empty arms of heartbroken people, I am so blessed to be used by such a faithful and true God, I can't even tell you.

For several years now I have been feeling like a real loser. God....you have given me this gift. This gift to make things pretty, and cozy, comforting and warm, and from what I have been told of others, welcoming. But how, how on earth can I be used by you with those gifts? My home is lovely and it is a blessing to make it such for my family?!Ok....so I could host a bible study or something, but is that all? I want to do more. Use me God.

And then my prayer was answered,and my life was forever changed. Little did I know that in saying that prayer, in the very answering of it was needing to take place, the death of my one and only boy. His ways aren't our ways, are they? There is no way you can know what God is going to do, or planning to.

So these boxes are His plan. He is using these gifts of mine that He had planned on using, long before the notion of losing my baby had ever even touched my thoughts.

Make no mistake, dear one, He has a plan for you as well. I can not explain how I knew this was what I was to do. I think the most obvious indicator was that it made little sense to those around me. How can you want to reach out so soon?What is making you want to tread through the reminder of it? It really was when everyone thought I was a bit "off" that I was beginning to see that I was "alot" on the right track.

The Greatest Blessing's first fundraiser and auction is coming up this next Friday. I am extremely excited to see how it unfolds, and to see all that God does. I have not done anything like this before in my life! I mean...I can throw a mean 6 year old Princess Pony Birthday Party, but this is a few degrees hotter then that! Somehow though, God has given me a vision, a plan, and intensely generous people that have donated and are helping behind the scenes, but I still need your prayers, people of God. He is listening, and He loves to see us flourish when our aim is to help others, share our testimony, and place Him on His rightful throne! That is all I am trying to do here. I remember lying in my hospital bed, a day or so after my Macsen went to live in Heaven, and saying, "the only way that going through this pain will be worth going through is to witness FREAKISH glorification of King Jesus!"

Every dollar raised will enable this ministry to continue. I have been paying for the boxes from my own pocket, and have done it with pure joy. But, my life is changing, my home is changing, and God is doing a work in the midst of it, despite how much hurt and darkness seem to be surrounding me. Besides, it is not for me to hoard all of the joy in helping theses hurting hearts....it needs to be shared! So much this life hands us to wade through seems impossible to defeat at one time or another. But He will cause His perfect plan to work out and do exceedingly and abundantly more then we can think or imagine!

By the way...public speaking is certainly not my most loved and adored pass time, but I have so much I want to convey, and I need God to speak it all through me. (Add that to your prayers PLEASE.)

If you are able, near, available, I hope to see you at the auction. It can't happen without the people! Together as the body of Christ, we can share with the grieving the Hope we have in a God that has conquered death and the grave! Praise you Jesus!

You are KING!

{tHe BoX}

2009-01-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

How do I begin to tell you of the power, grace, peace, and compassion that floods my very heart and therein every limb upon the delivery of one of these boxes? I am in awe to this minute as I think back upon them, and I so I want to share it with you.

I do not always get to hand deliver these boxes. I would if I could, for every single one! But details here and there prevent from it, and the details that I can work around, or by God's grace get beyond with His help, I will diligently cooperate where needed to get past them. There has, however, been a hand full of times that I have been so blessed to walk in, see the faces that are hurting, hold their hand, pray with them, just be in the room with them. And to be able to whisper to them, "I know. I know."

The first time I was called by the hospital here, where my sweet boy, Macsen was actually delivered, I was speechless. I literally felt electric. Even now, when I here of a baby going Home, I go into this electric prayer-mode. I am immediately reminded, in a gentle way, of the heartache, as if it were all so fresh again. I am very able to identify with what they are feeling and thinking. I know usually the sex of the baby, and so I am able to pray for her or his mommy, daddy, and other family members.

On the way to the hospital, that first time, my prayer was that God would be tangible, and palatable. That He would speak through me and to them. As I arrived to the door, a simple deep breathe was taken, and then to the SWOOSH of the heavy, big hospital room door.

I have never felt what came next. (Not that feeling electric and being in this prayer-chant-mode was typical of me, by any means. :) Wow do I sound weird!) As each foot touched the ground I felt almost the nod of God Himself upon me. Like I was actually doing, finally, what His will for me, and my life was all along! It was in that instant that I began to have a new found thankfulness for where I was. It sounds wrong to say that you are thankful that your child has died, and I so don't mean that. I guess it was more, a thankfulness that HE had redeemed it! He had been good on His word.....the very word that is inscribed on my son's pewter football urn where his tiny ashes now lay:

All things work together for good for those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.

~Romans 8:28

As I can best recall, I believe it is 10 plus boxes that have now gone out to precious people that have this journey ahead. Not a huge number, yet not a small one either. These boxes take time. They each take care, embellishing and a lot of thought goes into each and every, very unique and individual box. Just as each life missed is unique, and individual, I find it appropriate that each box be the same.It's so, kind of zany and mysterious to me, really. I have spent a great portion of my adult life, (not so much my youth because, well, I was an idiot) really stretching, growing and learning to be one that can think outside the box. And yet here I am, well into my adult life. Stormy journey, upon stormy journey, and I am finding my joy, my peace, my drive, my hope and my purpose......inside of a box.

God......I LOVE YOU!

{mOtHeRiNg My SoN fRoM a FaR}

2009-01-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about Macsen. He is no less my child because I do not tend to him like his sisters. No less mine because I have never heard his voice, and never made eye contact with him.

My mothering him looks different here, is all. I mother him and am a good example to him all the time. How? You might ask...I'll explain in a few....

I was talking with a friend tonight and God spoke into my heart as I was talking to her (hi Lisa! Also a precious mom walking this unsure journey. Good thing we are holding Jesus' hand, huh?!!!!) . He reminded me that any mommy that was quickly placed into a dangerous situation, where either you or your child were in danger, without thinking, mommy will put herself in the direct path of harm, over her child. We have to remember when Satan tries to cage us in our broken heart,in our pity party, that we are hurting, yes, but our children are not. And they never will. Please see the gift in that, beloved. We are walking a very painful journey, but at the expense that our little one is spared more then we can even fathom at this stage in our life. After all, where we are is certainly not the end of our sufferings. That ends only when we reach our real Home. God desires no one to hurt and feel pain. He doesn't get some thrill or joy from it. But it is indeed part of this fallen world we are passing through, and He is going to make the pain not at all be in vein! He is using it to conform us into His likeness. It's so much deeper, and so much heavier then I can understand in my un-complex mind. But I believe it in my heart.

He loves you. He loves me. There is going to be storms. Some raging and crashing so loud that all we can seem to hear is the fear in it. The uncertainty in it. That is where the renewing of our minds will be most powerfully effective. Having our house built on a Rock. Sound familiar? Knowing His word, and His voice is going to mute the thunder and waves and still the fear inside of us. It is the ONLY thing! So I am excited and eager to be more diligent about memorizing His "love letter" to us.

My dear friend, Lynn and I are getting together once a week to "scrap" words from the bible that we each have picked out that "sing" to us. So you "homework" it and see what verse is most pulling at your heart. Then we dress it up, with paper, fancy scrapbooking do-da's (this is where Lynn's scrapbooking expertise and there-in vocabulary would really come in handy and help me to not look like such a yahoo! : ) Thank you very much!) Memorizing scripture doesn't need to feel like you are becoming a Monk or a Nun. You are not signing your life away. You will gain life from it dear one!

It is amazing to think, that my sweet 6 year old Mia has memorized more scripture in her little life then I have known in all of mine. When I grow up....I want to be like Mia! SIGH. Sharp in His word, knowledgeable of it's location in the bible, and able to recite at a moments notice. Not to be showy and prideful by any means, but rather due to the fact that I have had a crash course in the last few years as to just how fallen this place is. How strong the waves in the storm can be. And how desperately I need this mind 'o mine renewed!

I have said it before, I will say it again: I don't like it here at all! BUT....I have a job to do while here! So I press on.....

So...back to "How do you mother a baby that is not of this world anymore? A baby that lives in Heaven? How are you a good example" I would just love to tell you! I am SO a work in progress in this, please bear in mind. But God is faithful. He loves children and family, and He wants to reach down from Heaven and show me the way to live here, as though I am living There! So each day I trust He will show me how to do some of the things on this list that I currently struggle with. And He will bless me and "pat me on the back" with things that I am already doing! Let's all step out in faith and do them! I Know that as you read through them, that you will find that there is nothing there that will not bless, behoove, encourage and edify you today, tomorrow, the next day! We all need more of that! Right?

Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)

Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!

{LiFe}

2009-01-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

Hello all....I pray God is revealing His abounding love and sovereignty in your life, this very day. I am so grateful to know He loves me so much, that He died for me! The ultimate love story! (I am a real sucker for those!)

So many of you have sent me emails of encouragement, ideas, and promises of prayer. I thank you for all of it! It is an odd thing to have this group of people, of whom which you have never heard their voice or seen them face to face, yet you call them "friends". I for one have been immensely blessed by this blog world. To know that I am walking this journey with others brings me real comfort. I give a huge "blog hug" to you all.

For those that are new, and those not so new, let me shed some light on where I sit. This is not a topic I have posted...I will explain why in a bit.

When someone is faced with tragedy and loss, like many of us have been, in the time following it ones true character and beliefs comes forth. My husband had horded intense doubt about this marriage, and shaky trust in God, to say the least. Six months after Macsen, my son, went Home, my husband left. Truth be told it was advised by his counselor that he do so. "You are making the house toxic", his counselor said. And although the advice at the time made me scratch my head with scripturalism (is that a word? It is now!), the house is no longer toxic! It's as though a dark cloud of negativity has been lifted. The sun can finally shine inside! In my girls, and in me! Hallelujah, in me! Please understand, I am not someone that because he was moody and not a bed of roses to live with, that there in lies reason to end things. The level of UGLY that took place in my marriage and outside my marriage is monstrous. The 3-A's" took place: Adultery. Abandonment. Abuse. Seriously...enough said!

The seeming injustice in all of this is that I am now left to pick up alot of pieces. Alot of pieces that are there- not because of me! Such is life. God will have His day dealing with all the UGLY this world dishes our way! That in and of itself brings some peace. I haven't blogged this, or anything else UGLY, really because, WHY? Does Satan need anymore stage then he already has? Do we need to highlight his work? Think upon it, meditate on it? Is'nt the fact that he is the author of death enough? It is for me. He has stolen enough from me! This is a place that I like to express hope, promises and future! No UGLY here. (Asthetically or spiritually, I hope! : / )

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they

may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10

So....here I sit with my 2 sweet girls. No job. ALOT of bills and an uncertain future of raising them as a single women. Like I said, you all sent many great ideas about what I could do to make money and not have to put my girls in daycare. I do have this ministry that I feel so strongly about. It is what I dream to be doing unabashedly, and as a means of our livelihood one day in my future. But until such time, I mentioned starting my own business. An Etsybusiness that is. I am going to do boxes, but ones that are meant for living babies. Ones with a real happy and promising feel. Frankly, I can't imagine a cooler baby shower gift to bring an expectant mother, other then a memory box to fill with all the things that you can't put on a scrapbooking page!!!! So....details to come.

The store. The "pieces". The adventure.

I utterly covet your prayers, and am eager to hear things from you. Ideas of how to advance it. Promote it. What you know of Etsy, or what you have heard. I was on there alot last night and have found it to be a real "culture" almost. One that I need to get educated on. I'm just a girl that wants to live the dream. Do what I love, make a decent living at it, care for my own children, and
finally have my abilities be used of God in a way that blesses others and causes them to appreciate this thing we've been given. life!
(And if their path crosses mine, somehow, with The Greatest Blessing memory boxes, then to have them embrace this thing called eternal life!)

God...You are my Provider! Do Your thing!

{cReAtIvItY}

2009-01-01T20:49:00.000-08:00

Megan truly doesn't know what to do with herself if she isn't being creative in some capacity. honestly, it is such good medicine to me. When I am stressed, anxious, lonely, whatever. I can let loose creatively, and I feel very in harmony with God. After all, He gave me that desire, and the ability. So I use it almost as a form of communication. Maybe not so much to Him. (I just flat out try to dialogue with Him throughout the day.) But more about communicating with myself. Figuring out what I am thinking and feeling, and where I see myself going. It's difficult to explain. Some of you may read that and think, a bit too weird for me. But really, I am weird! Crazy, curious, whimsical, wild, eccentric....call it what you want. I am what I am. And truth be told, I am flowering into the Megan I have suppressed for far too long. I can't put my finger on it exactly. Is it because I am seeing life with new eyes now that my son is in Heaven? Is it that I have a life of being a single mom ahead of me, and really, what do I have to lose? Be yourself!!!! For goodness sake, be yourself! Because, I really haven't been. The Megan I have been has been one that has been timid. Fearful. Beat down. Self conscience. Gun-shy. (I could go on and on. Sad, I know). But that Megan is gone. Gone forever. (Not sad.)

There is a great deal about my sweet little man, Macsen going Home that I will not fully grasp until I stand before the Lord Jesus. But when that little boy went UP to Heaven, something came DOWN as well. And it nestled itself in my heart. It looks different to me almost every day. Boldness. Uniqueness. Vision. Hope.Braveness. Please don't misunderstand me. NONE OF IT IS FROM ME. I am not ignorant enough to claim any of it as my own. God has given it, and I pray He doesn't take it away.

I am in need, dear friends. I am facing a life of raising 2 amazingly gorgeous, bright, funny, and adventurous girls, all alone. In doing that, I, a stay home mom since my first came into this world, is faced with providing for the three of us. I do not have a college education. My work experience is sporadic, and certainly not complimentary of this hurting economy. And the thought of putting my babies in daycare makes me want to just cry. (Daycare is something each of us choose for our own families. Sometimes it is unavoidable. For some it just fits. Nobody is right, or wrong in that choice. But my heart is broken, yet again, with the idea for my children.)

Along with this amazing ministry of memory boxes for bereaving families, that God has so graciously given me, I am looking to start my own business. I know what your thinking. are you crazy? And I think the answer is indeed,yes. Yes I am. But being here with them.....even if I have 5 minutes to play with them, is very important to me.

I want to mommy them.

I want to provide for us.

I want to use what God has given me.

So my plea is this: As God brings me to your mind, pray that His mighty hand of blessing, prosperity, and abundance be upon me and all these visions and dreams. There is so much injustice and unfairness that is going down right now in my life. Those things are for Him to tend to.

Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

~Romans 12:19

I am simply this:

A mommy who really loves these girls, and desires to be their most paramount influence. (As big of a responsibility as I know that is! )

A girl with alot of bottled up creativity and ideas. All of which are marketable and worthy of a stage of their own.

To KNOW God, and His husbanding in such a freakishly REAL, WHOLE, FULL, and ADDICTING way....that everything else, is gravy!

Thank you ladies. prayer matters. He hears it. He loves us more then we can even remotely fathom! (Don't ya love knowing that?!!!)

Thought I would share a few little things I "recreated" for the girls this year for their Christmas gifts. Seriously....thrift storing is an addiction of mine, so maybe this comes as little surprise. But I am so doing this every year! It was thrilling, fun, and so affordable! Thank you God. You are the giver of some pretty FANTABULOUS ideas! I love you!

Mia Brooke's doll bed. A whopping $7.00 when all was said and done!

Maizy Bly's doll bed. Again......$7.00.

(Both these girls have said they want to be "baby nurses" when they grow up. If that is what God leads them to, they have alot of experience to draw upon with families that may lose their little one! Now they have some little beds to get some practice in)

This was a real find....I only wish I had the before. There was a crazy, primary colored clown on the front. (Maizy is scared of clowns. ALL OF THEM) So, a little paint here, a little decoupage there, and there you go. If you can't read it, it says...

BELIEVE THEATRE

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU JUST BELIEVE

we currently have zero puppets, but, at 3 and 6, they are very able to IMAGINE with their stuffed animals, and make their own at craft time! (let's see a Wii do that, huh?)

Thank God for your gifts today.

Writing.

People.

Cooking.

Dancing.

Singing.

Imagining.

Painting.

Numbers.

He is worthy of all praise. Where would we be without Him.

Scary thought!

{2009}

2008-12-31T20:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight, as I sit to type, so very many thoughts flood my mind.

And many emotions rush my heart.

2008.....gone forever.

How on earth did I make it through?

What could possibly happen in 2009?

My once extreme optimistic heart is a bit reluctant to ponder it, to be perfectly honest. This year represents a great deal of loss for me. And even more heartache. And certainly it's share of spiritual struggles.I've decided that I really don't like it down here. But I have also decided to remain optimistic. God is in control. He loves me. He loves you. He knows BEST! So I am believing...

2009 is going to be one of blessing.
One of joy.
One of victory.
One of peace.
One of excitement.
One of love.
One of solidity.
One of laughter.
One of energy and health.
One of financial break though and independence.
One of anointing.
One of spiritual strength.
One of wisdom.
One of faithfulness.
One of discernment.
One of abundance.
One of fruitfulness.
One of sharing HIM like never before.
One of being used of God to bring Him much glory!

Sounds like a good year to me. What do you think?

Dear 2008,
Good bye to you. Good bye to all the burdens, heartbreak and evil you brought this way. Good bye to the pain and sorrow. Good bye to the deceit, unfaithfulness and betrayal. Good bye to you........

"Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children."

Genesis 50:19b-21

Thank you God. I needed to hear that tonight! I hope you did too.

Peace be with you in 2009!

{GoD sHoWeD uP}

2008-12-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

We did it! You did it, and I did it. We made it through all of Christmas. Some moments harder then others, some more tearful then the few before. Parts of the build up where the only thing that was felt was the void of the little person or persons we wanted to be joining in on all the fun. Even if their only contribution would have been cooing and needing a diaper change. : ) It was none the less missed.

To be honest, Christmas, and the time leading up to it felt, for the most part, very orchestrated and contrived. But I was in no way about to let ME take over and ruin this holiday for my ladies, though. That is precisely what Satan wants. This is NOT about ME. Christmas is such a spring board of faith in the hearts of little people. I recall being small and feeling just how very much God's love was for me at Christmas. I wanted to give that to my babies. I knew how much they were watching me, watching how I would react because of Macsen not being here. They are so much smarter and attentive then we give them credit for! So we did alot of talking about the celebration for Jesus' birth that was taking place in Heaven. The one their baby brother was a part of. It was healing, exciting and peaceful.

I had to share my girls with my husband, whom which, most of you may not know I am separated from. He would not tell you that his leaving us was due to Macsen's exodus Home, but it is .....in more ways then we will ever wrap our minds around, I am sure! So...faced with a NEW Christmas in more ways then just being with out my baby boy, GOD SHOWED UP ! The girls and I shared a Christmas Eve full of lots of food, goofing off, and talking about the Lord's precious birth. Then, I was up until midnight getting food prepped, toys set up, and toys "ready". ( I did the majority of my shopping this year at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army. So fun! You never know what your going to get, but it all needs some love and a touch of creativity! And it isn't the same sting on the pocket book, eh?! ) * Heads up: in coming posts all the neat blessings for Christmas God brought me to for my adorable girls! It really kind of puts you in a place of His guidance as to what you'll get for those you love. The thrill of the hunt with a spiritual twist! RUSH!

God is good! I so want to hear about how God comforted you as you faced this holiday. The God that parted the Red Sea, rose the dead and healed the sick is the same God today. He loves you, and knows your pain, void, and need like no one person ever could.

Trust Him. Be encouraged. He is caring for those we miss and feel such heartache for. Bask in that, and use the comforting He is giving to you to help others that don't know....HIM!

{Peace be with you!}

{bIg SiStErS)

2008-12-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

Jesus' birthday is anything but typical, ordinary, or average. It has always invoked magic, truth, promise, hope and most definately love!

This year, all of that is not lost for me. But, rather more amplified. And along with it being more amplified, there is something about it all that sears my heart like it never has before. The sacrifice that was made! God, giving us His son.He was utterly aware of what He was giving up. Of what He was sacrificing. Had He asked me to give up Macsen, December 15th of last year, I would have told Him "No way!"

But He didn't ask. He took Him anyway....knowing what my answer would have been.

Does He love me any less for doing so? For taking him to Himself? Does He love you any less for taking Home your loved one?Absolutely not!

God has showed me a different way to look at all this. Putting me in this place, at this time is more an honor, then anything else. That He thought enough of me, to have my boy be with Him now, spared the hurt and pain of this world.As I work here as His ambassador. His light here, NOW! We are all called to be salt and light. Particularly when trials come our way! That is potentially where we can shine the brightest And be the saltiest! He desires to use us in this time. To reflect what has been depositted inside of our hearts. The Holy Spirit.

So this Christmas, as difficult as it may feel at times to me without my 1 year old boy on my hip, I choose to praise the One that made it possible, real, true, and worth pressing on toward while I am here. The One that has blessed me with ALL that I have here now to enjoy and love, until that day that I get to go Home.......

Meet Macsen's big sisters......

Mia Brooke 6 Maizy Bly 3

Ladies night out to THE SINGING CHRISTMAS TREE.

(They were some true show stoppers!)

Mia Brooke... the ultra school girl! Maizy Bly......the ultra show girl!

SNOW! It's cold!

What the heck is goin' on in these here parts?

Chocolate lovers! (So my daughters)

Our bubble gum pink tree in our room!

We love you baby brother, Macsen! XO

Merry Christmas to you in Heaven!

{oNe MeMoRy BoX aT a TiMe}

2008-12-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

CREATING MEMORY BOXES TO HELP HURTING HEARTS AFTER THEIR BABY' S EXODUS HOME. IF WE BAND TOGETHER, IN THE NAME OF JESUS WE CAN SHARE OUR COMFORTER WITH THOSE WHO SO DESPERATELY NEED HIM.

ONE MEMORY BOX AT A TIME.....

2 CORINTHIANS 1:3-4

{hAnDs AnD fEeT}

2008-12-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

There is so much that "sings" to each of us differently in the midst of heartache. In particular, I am thinking about those extremely tender first several days, and weeks after my son went to Heaven to live and I had a "new normal". When I was told Macsen was no longer with us several degrees of grief ensued. Initially, clearly, it is utter shock, pain that is indescribable and a slap in the face of mortality that words can not convey. But as the days wear on, and everyone around you is going on with life as usual, I felt very much like I was living in jell-o. Things had slowed very down, and the littlest of tasks was extremely overwhelming. Can anyone else relate?

This ministry of memory boxes, filled with items that I feel would have "sung" to me, is one that I take very seriously, and am sure that it is of God's ordaining. I am calling on all my sisters in the faith, my kindred spirits in our passions, and on all of us that have even more to be excited about when we get to Heaven. Glorying in our King, first and foremost, but also being reunited with our little ones, never to be separated from them again! HALLELUJAH!

As painful as it may be to recall those early days and weeks, I ask that you please do. Try to remember what you were given that ministered to you. Also remember what you weren't given that would have. Bear in mind the boxes are 10x10, and are about 6" deep. I daydream about them being so packed that you can barely close it. Sigh....
Currently in each box is as follows:

Organic sage, parsley and rose bud tea to aid the body in suppressing milk production. Also comes with a bamboo steeper.

This for me personally, would have been amazing. I make milk.....alot of milk. My body knew this little man was big, so it was prepping up! Going through that was impossibly difficult. A constant reminder of what I did not have.

A beeswax candle for lighting to remember. Highly aromatic and Lavender- lovely. It fills the box with peace and life.
A journal to put down thoughts and prayers

A flaxseed and lavender heart shaped pillow to hold

If you put this in the microwave for a minute or so it warms up nice to really give your empty arms something to do. I was given a polka-dot square pillow in the hospital, and honestly, felt insulted that there was anyone that could think that would be a suitable "replacement". Well, it wasn't, but I used it, and have it to this day. Big sissy Maizy just loves to sleep with it.

A small white cherub figurine/ornament.

I seek high and low at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and surrounding thrift stores. They are, after all, my preferred place to buy ALL things. I am very picky, and it needs to be just right. I do a real thorough clean up job on all that I get. I have had much success and everyone then gets something quite unique. (Good stewardship....I desire to have it in abundance!)

A booklet of the Heaven book by Randy Alcorn.

A small taste of what to expect from the book itself. Eternal Perspectives Ministry graciously donated them. Thank you EPM.

A smaller box within the memory box. All in coordinating colors and theme. Meant to hold hair lockets, hospital ID bracelets etc

My son's above items were handed to me in a zip lock bag.

Need I say more.......

A note from me, with all my contact information. On the back is references that may be helpful. Web sites, books, counselors, etc.

Constantly in "upgrade mode".....I am learning something new everyday. Mainly from you amazing women. Two...I am obsessed with bereavement of babies. Not in an unhealthy way, I really believe God has just burdened me for it for this very thing. All I know is, upon leaving the hospital, I came home and, first stared at my Christmas tree for like two weeks. (Yes...the DEAD one!) But after that I was obsessed with the Internet and learning of others that had walked this journey, and had not only lived to tell about it, but tell about it and be encompassed with JOY, inspite of the hurt!

Ladies, if you have ideas and thoughts to help these boxes be more of a blessing, please make a comment. Search your heart for what might hold the hand of those precious souls out there that have yet to face this storm. Together we can be His hands and feet.Your input is vital to this being all that it can be. My dream, is for these boxes to invoke PEACE, ELEGANCE, COMFORT and most of all HOPE and LOVE. A spa box, if you will, with the aroma of Heaven and the promise we have in the Cross! Thank you for your help! Where ever you are in this journey of grieving your little one, know that God has placed us all here...... for such a time as this! ~Esther 4:14b

{tHaNk YoU}

2008-12-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

It snowed. It snowed alot. Many are reluctant to venture into it (which I must say I don't get. I feel like a real fuddy-duddy when I say this, but here it goes. I used to walk in 6 ft of snow to get to school. Blizzard or not, I was walking. I grew up in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, so this...is nothing.). So, bearing in mind all of those that were unable to come tonight, we have decided to postpone it. It is Macsen's birthday Home, which is cause for celebration. But I can celebrate that anytime. All the time. Everyday I am reminded of his presence missing in my life. But soon after that reminder, I am eased with the peace, that it is only for a time. One day we will be together again.

At the point at which my heart was the heaviest thus far today, I fell to my knees to pray. The sobs were too suffocating to get much off of my lips. I was, however, able to say the only thing that would have summed my heartache up to the Lord into one small phrase: "Thank you!!!!"

God's sacrifice for you, and for me, and for Macsen, is what ensures our place in Heaven. It is what keeps my heart imprisoned in hope!

"Thank you", was all I could say.

It's all that needs to be said.

Macsen, my little man...I love you. Happy Birthday! I would sing it to you, but I am pretty sure the angels are doing that better then I could. What a party it must be!

NEW AUCTION DATE: (all tickets purchased will be valid at the door. So hold onto them!)

Friday, January 30th 7pm-9pm

Save the date, and please do not feel concern for this change and how it is effecting me. God is on His thrown.....He has something bigger in store! Hope you'll stick around with me to see what it is! Thank you.

{bEhOlD tHe ChRiStMaS tReE}

2008-12-10T22:22:00.000-08:00

I have been attending a GriefShare class on Wednesday nights while my ladies are in there AWANA classes. And I can honestly say, it has been a real blessing. I know, it's kind of a sad thing, to think of a room full of grieving people. Truth be told, I wasn't really wild about the idea of it myself at first. I am not someone that likes to "camp out" in pain and feel sorry for myself. Shame on me, this is anything but. Grieving in a healthy and biblical way is good, appropriate and precisely what we need to do to gain "molding" from our pain. It's pruning really....what rose bush didn't gain fragrant flowers after much pruning? (Not including my rose bushes....I do not have a green thumb. Fortunately, God has green hands!!!!) This class has been a safe place to cry, share and really understand what God is doing in our walk with Him, even in the midst of such suffering. He, after all, is no stranger to it. Suffering that is. He himself is the man of sorrows.

With everyday though, that I go to my Grief Share class, or I go to a friends house to visit, or come to this blog to "journal".....I am always drawn back to my new all-time obsession. It's not my wardrobe because I never know what turn that could take. (I shop at the Goodwill and resale shops, so it's really out of my hands what direction it will go-I love it! the thrill of the hunt!) It's not my wall colors. I have literally tackled nearly every square foot of white wall there is in this home, with the exception of the the stairway hall.( Not going to be a simple task by any means. Once this auction and the holidays are behind me, however....."move over sterile white walls! Hello teal and gold". (Looking forward to that. I know, I have a sickness!!!)

No, my new obsession is Heaven. What will it be like? Who will I know? What will we do? Where will it be? If you have someone you love dearly that is there, a friend, a parent, a child.... please give yourself the gift of truth. Heaven by Randy Alcorn, I highly recommend it. It has blown my mind in what "I thought" I knew about Heaven and what to expect! He keeps it completely biblical and it is an absolute page turner.

The Lord has actually been preparing me for this "obsession" for quite some time now. In many ways, reallybut over the last few years I have been collecting ornaments for my tree, really making it's "theme" of Heaven. Some of you are aware of my deceased Christmas tree that had been with us for the last 6 years. It was beautiful, kind, full of memories, and apparently......no longer meant to be.

So......I present to you our new friend. Behold, The Christmas tree......

But our citizenship is in Heaven. ~Philippians 3:20

There is a Home beyond this place for you and for me. If you are feeling uncomfortable and unfullfilled with what this world has offered you, that is right and good! We are only passing through this place. One day we will be there. Hold on dear sister and brother. The journey will be worth it once we're Home!

{tHe ReAsOn FoR tHe SeAsOn}

2008-12-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know this post is suppose to be "the big reveal"....my new Christmas tree, right?!. (Truly earth shattering update, I know! But if you knew me, and what a real goober I am about this most glorious season, then that being a "big reveal" would not seem so strange.)

Tonight, instead I want to say a few things that I have felt led to say.

This Christmas many of us are missing someone we love. Someone that has gone Home to Heaven. And here we are, hurting in our heart as we think of all we don't have here to look forward to with them.

All the things we wished we'd said, or done and didn't.

Wanting so very much to curl up in our bed and wake up with them.

Holding onto all the "what if's", and "if only's".

I am no different then you. I think those same thoughts.

But, what is Christmas about? Who is The Prince of Peace? Whom do they refer when they speak of this Savior for all man kind?

King Jesus

Let me ask you a question. If the one/many you love that are already Home, were able to see you-see you now in all that you are doing, saying, feeling.....would they like what they see? Of course there is a season of hurting, and hurting so much you can't breathe. Isolating and feeling unsocial. Wanting so much to disappear. But in the later days of them going Home were they to see all that you are doing, would they be proud and happy to see you living as you are?

Dear friend......they can see all that we are doing. They can, and are likely praying for you as well. What a picture.....your loved one, and King Jesus, interceding on YOUR behalf!

WOW! BLOWS ME AWAY!

There is nothing that will keep us from this fallen world's "hurt". But what we CHOOSE to do with it makes all the difference. WHO we choose to do it with, makes all the difference. And to whom we bend our knee to, will undoubtedly make all the difference. And make no mistake, we all bow our knee to something/someone. (ex. our stuff, our spouse, sex, alcohol, religiousness....etc) There is no substitute, no alternative, no comparison. He is the way, the truth and the life. ~John 14:6

Dear friend....your loved one is happy. Rejoice in that knowledge. That is what matters. Hold onto the hand that also holds the hand of the one you miss, so very much. He is worthy. He is Love.

This Christmas meditate on the sacrifice that was made. Made for me. Made for you, and made for your loved one. That we might spend all of eternity with the One that loves us more then our wildest dreams could imagine.

CHOOSE not to focus on what you don't have, but rather, what you do. You might have more then your eyes have yet seen.

Beloved, if you do not know the Lord Jesus as your personal Savior , and wish to, please send me a comment. I will tell you what I know, and send you else where when I don't know. This life has hope in it. And it came swaddled up in cloths and lieing in a manger........

I love you Jesus.

Jesus....the reason for the season.

{mErRy ChRiStMaS}

2008-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

After a good cry, and alot of feeling sorry for myself, I gained my composure and became settled with the idea of starting out into the world to find "Christmas" again for my home. (For those who are a bit confused, read the preceding post....but grab the tissues before you do. Hee, hee)

Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned that along with my beautiful Christmas tree, within THAT, box also lay to rest my lovely door swag. The one I created with my own two little hands. One that I looked forward to year after year, hanging proudly for all to see upon entering my home. Gone.....gone forever.

As I perused the craft stores, I was disheartened at all the, well how do you say this nicely.....JUNK! Even my faithful Goodwill wasn't coming through for me. I actually, out of desperation grabbed whatever was remotely "doable" that I saw. Because really, the thought of having nothing {spectacular} on and in my house for Jesus' birthday is about as ghastly to me as having white walls! I could just faint at the thought......(as I fan myself)

I came home, and in my usual way, dove in with absolutely zero idea what I hoped the end result to be. Now bear in mind, this usually ends up in a very awesome result. One that is no less of a surprise to me then it is any audience I may have. And I certainly accredit it in no way to myself, but completely to God. He is after all the One that gave us all of our talents, gifts, brains, ideas etc. Nothing good that comes from me, is me. It is HIM. HIM alone. And He....gives me some pretty fantabulous ideas! Really!

Anyhow....a little glue gun here. A little antiquing glaze there. Never forget the Modge Podge......
and VUALA! (I don't speak French so do not expect proper spelling. For goodness sake i can't even spell in English.)

Without further ado.....I present to you, my welcome to you and yours this Christmas-via my front door.......

This angel image is one I hold near to my heart. It is the first my eyes saw and was really able to connect with after my sweet little man went Home. The image has been inducted into "The Greatest Blessing" logo Hall of Fame. It is an image I often use on my memories boxes for other mommies to help them remember what is really at the core of being a mommy: our babies safety, happiness, and well being. (BTW.....the door just so happens to be the precise color of the angels glorious gown. Someone has become a bit OBSESSED with dark teal. She will remain nameless) My girls obviously see this image alot, and it is understood in our home, that the baby in that tender angels arms is their brother, my son, Macsen. We see that image and it conveys peace, reminds us of our hope and is a constant reminder of who NOW holds our loved little one....... KING JESUS.

This Christmas I am reminded of the beautiful place my boy is as He looks down upon his family. As I work diligently to keep my girls eye's on The Reason for The Season, and explore my creative juices to help create memories for them to look upon their eventual past Christmas' with longing. As I am in this world, and not of this world, praying for their physical and spiritual safety and security, I am humbly reminded that my baby Macsen, has all of those things and so very much more. And he has them in an abundance that I can not fully imagine nor fathom. He is after all, in Paradise.

Home.

To all of us who are in this world, and heartbroken for the ones that have gone before us to Paradise. For mommy's and daddy's heartbroken in this season of promise. Remember this promise......they are now perfect! Let us take our pain, use it to help others and pour it out as a drink offering to the only one worthy, Lord Jesus. The best babysitter a mommy could ask for. Helping someone else, even in little way has brought more healing to me then I can really convey to you in appropriate words. Our loved one's are so happy. It's the one's down here that are so desperately hurting and need our help, as God uses us to be His hands and feet.

Macsen Danforth Gebhardt arrived Home on December 15th, 2007

Gone but not forgotten.

Missed, but to be with again......

Mommy loves you angel baby!

Merry Christmas!

By the way....have I told you how proud I am of you! Atta' boy!

P.S. Project #2: THE Christmas tree...... big reveal COMING SOON!

{nEw BeGiNiNgS}

2008-11-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

Because my son was born into Heaven on December 15th of last year, it is needless to say that Christmas will possess elements that words can not express. My mind starts to go down the dark road of telling me that Christmas will be worse now. That it is forever to be a time to relive the heartache that came my way, by highlighting that which I do not have, my son. My Macsen. Negativity starts in the mind, and that is also where negativity needs to die, in the mind. But that takes effort. It takes crying out to God to reveal truth to us.

The other night my little light, Maizy and I thought it was the perfect time to pull out Christmas "stuff" to start inventorying our "decorating-plan-of-attack". Upon opening the first bin, however, our excitement and zeal were quickly met with "death " . The smell of death that is. Apparently, not the sharpest of minds packed up our Christmas stuff last year (myself included). I mean, we were after all GRIEVING THE SWEETEST BABY BOY EVER! It stands to reason that things got over looked and packed unnecessarily. In the middle of the box was my Thanksgiving cornucopia....filled with what were once multi colored corn cobs. well, they may look "dried-out" to the human eye, but they are indeed packed with moisture. As this damp, moldy, musty, and rusted box of "DEAD" Christmas decorations proves. And would you believe, there in the midst of all of this foul smell, was my very dear to me, Christmas tree. Dear to me for so many reasons. It was the tree that my husband and I bought early in our marriage. It was there when our oldest, Mia, now 6, was new to the world. It was there when Maizy, now 3, was a new arrival . And....it was there throughout my pregnancy of sweet Macsen. Just as it was there when I came home from the hospital. In fact, I often tell about my old friend, the Christmas tree, that I came home to, and literally just sat and stared at for like 2 weeks after Macsen went to live with the Lord.

This tree was mine. It was familiar, it was tradition, it was a part of my last days with Macsen. It was part of my life.

Well, I often hear that really letting emotion take hold, and breaking down in front of your children is really not good. But guess what, I'm human!( I know....a shock!) I could not help myself in that moment. I was as surprised by it as little Maizy was. I was a wreck. The tears were so big, and so full of feeling. ( For those that aren't understanding: THE TREE IS RUINED! Not all the Lysol in the free world could have revived our friend, Christmas tree. And really, who wants a tree that smells like "Garden Mist"? Not exactly conveying a Christmas ambiance with that gem sittin' front stage in your living room!) Maizy was such a lover though. She brought me Kleenex and cleaned my tears, and said with such youthful optimism..."It's ok momma....we'll just get another one!" (Clearly my 3 year old isn't up to speed on the economy and looming DEPRESSION on our hands! MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON "TREES" , KID!) J/K......Oh, what I wouldn't give for that mind set! She teaches me so much everyday! My teacher.....THE 3 YEAR OLD! Go figure!)

Not only was she loving on me, but per usual, the Holy Spirit was faithful to as well. I wanted so badly to curl up in the fetal position and soak in this depressing moment. But the Holy Spirit whispered to me in between "feeling sorry for my self wales": " Megan, that life is gone....dead. I am doing a new thing in you. Around you. A new, fresh life awaits you. One that will be lasting, more beautiful and beyond your wildest dreams! Exceedingly and abundantly more......."

sigh........

Allowing hurt to be there is actually God's way of "molding" us into His image. I hate hurting, as I am sure you do as well. But if we avoid it, if we run from it, we miss the message, the blessing, the "growth".

Christmas tree.....I say my good byes to you. You were there for a life that helped to create me from a selfish young women into a woman that desires her children to live. To not just live, though. To live with purpose, peace and hope in their home. To live for that which you represented to me in this house hold: warmth, life, legacy, beauty, reflection, celebration and ultimately love! Thank you for your place in this life of mine.....but God has new plans for this life. Fresh plans, fresh starts, fresh cuts....(even if they are artificial and bought at JCPenny. God is God....He can use anything, and will! Just look at me.....I'm a perfect example! Thank you God. I love you!)

This picture is such a poor depiction of what I was blessed to look at so many nights.
It is a celestial/Heavenly feast......BUT....God has something EVEN better ahead!!!!!!! Bye Christmas tree.....thank you- for you.

{UnMatChaBLe lOvE}

2008-11-16T20:43:00.000-08:00

"USE ME!" These words, are by no means, words you would use to anyone you encounter, here on earth. In this world, and on this earth....people don't need to be given an invitation to "use you". Instead they go for it like they are entitled to it! Disgusting! Could you be more the antithesis of our Lord and Savior then that? I think not! But here we are. You and I who have indeed been used. Called to be in the world, but not of the world. Are we standing out? Are we so bright that all that sit by and watch not only need to pull out their "shades" to be near, but want to upgrade those "shades" so that they can draw closer? I have to admit....I haven't been as bright as I know God wants me to be. My life, outside of my son playing 'hookie' in being here, and going straight to paradise ,(btw....he is so gonna get it when He sees his momma....the attack of the kisses that is! blessed little man!!!) has been trialsome and hurtful. Likely though, I have some kindred spirits out there that so know what I am saying!

When we become Christians, there is absolutely nothing in the word that proclaims to us...."ALAS....ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER. YOU ARE GOING TO ALWAYS FEEL FAVOR AND BLESSING, AND HURT WILL COME TO YOU NO MORE!" Quite the contrary....Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart....I have overcome the world."

I don't know about you.....but I am following the One that has overcome the world !!!!! The ONE that can give PEACE that passes all understanding. The ONE that will never leave me nor forsake me. The ONE that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And the ONE, that gave His only begotten son, that whoever believed in Him would not parish but have everlasting life!

Do you know Him?Do you follow Him? Because if you do not, let me promise you, that you are missing the best thing this world could ever have. No sweet car will fill you, no nice office,no great outfit (tried 'em all), no lover, no "thing" can take the place of the only thing we were meant to live for, love and serve....JESUS CHRIST. He is the real deal, and sparing you all some serious, Sex in The City/Real World/General Hospital/ Jerry Springer details.......JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY OXYGEN-ADDICTION-LOVER-ENTERTAINMENT that any of us need. Please believe it from a girl that learned it the hard way, and is one that would gladly join her that washed His feet with her tears, and dried it with her hair! No human could fathom desiring you more then how you are desired by HIM! take Him up on His offer. He loves you so much, that He died for you! UNMATCHABLE LOVE!

{tHe SaMe YeStErDaY, tOdAy, AnD tOmOrRoW}

2008-11-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

There is a lot about myself that I have chosen to keep close. I am mostly a very transparent, open person, more concerned with truth then image . But none the less, there are things I hold to myself. Only God and I can see into this delicate "jewel" box I have, where I hold these precious and personal things. One of those things is the place of joy, serenity and peace that I always felt spending time alone with my babies. Every stage of growth these little people have been in have blessed me, don't get me wrong. But, for me, there is a place that I would go with them, when they were in what I call the "tiny days" (i.e. birth-15ish months) that I would find myself literally swept away from this world, and all it's darkness. In those moments I could get lost in a way I have only felt similarly as being swept into a strong, anointed worship song. Or when I am in a bible study, where the "image" factor dissolves, and suddenly you are listening in on the hearts and minds of others....just like you, only on a path you haven't walked, yet somehow "get". Those "tiny days" go by so quickly. On especially hard days, those moments with those babies, and time in prayer to God, were all that got me through.

To say I don't think about all the "tiny days" I missed out on with my only son would be a lie. How different they likely would have been. More rambunctious. Louder. Messier. And in some ways, possibly sweeter. Sweeter, because for the first time I would be getting a very fresh, new, and up-close view at the life of being a boy. A boy, and all that being a boy has to offer. But to all those thoughts I say, "ok, maybe. Sure they would have been different. Yea, it's hard to know I have been without. Now add those thoughts, though to the mind-blowing perk of experiencing them for the first time in paradise!" (What do you think of them apples?) Suddenly what I don't have, looks more and more like a reward!

My own mortality has never been more palatable in all of my life. Death is real, and is indeed something we all will not get out of. The ultimate statistic.....ten out of ten people die. What are we going to do with our lives? Pretend like we know what is best for us, and do what best suits our "feelings"? Or rely on a God who knows us better then we know ourselves.....surrender to Him, die to ourselves, that we might gain life?! Live for other people, to serve them and not be served. It all sounds very backwards from this worlds standards....but this world is fickle, selfish, hurtful, vein, unfaithful and thank God, it's temporary. This world lies and lies some more.

THANK YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE FATHER. YOU ARE THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW. AS A CREATURE OF HABIT AND ONE THAT HAS A HEART THAT CAN BE HURT, AND SO VERY MUCH IS, I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR TRUENESS. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR DEVOTION. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR LOVE. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS. HELP ME LIVE A LIFE THAT EXEMPLIFIES ALL OF THOSE SAME ATTRIBUTES. SHOW ME THE PATH YOU CHOOSE ME TO WALK, AND GIVE ME YOUR SPIRIT, THAT OTHERS WOULD BE DRAWN TO YOU, AND DESIRE ALL THAT YOU ARE. YOUR DEATH, SWEET JESUS, IS CLEARLY WORTH SEEKING AFTER TRUTH, DIEING TO SELF, AND STANDING FIRM IN FAITH. HELP ME WITH MY LACK OF FAITH! I KNOW YOU CAN.....I KNOW YOU WILL! YOU, WHO ARE THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW. WORTHY IS THE LAMB!

{tHiS jOuRnEy I aM oN}

2008-11-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

This journey I am on, is mine. It is one with characters I would not have chosen for it, it has chapters I would have much rather deleted, and it has climaxes that have been gripping me right to the very end. I take a great deal of comfort in knowing, however, that my story, my journey, is not yet done.

I can look back on my life and see so much mercy it even now causes me to shake my head with disbelief. What radical living I did. Not radical in a good sense, but radical in it's complete selfish, destructive and ungrateful aroma. Living for myself, no matter the cost. Doing as I please, because "I pleased". Coming and going when and where I chose to. Thinking of no one other then myself.....and coming to the end of the day and scratching my head in confusion,as to why I wasn't feeling fulfilled? Until....

One day the Lord visited me in a very public and very shameful moment in my life. I will never, as long as I live forget what I heard Him say to me. He said, "Megan.....you, yes, you.....are sooooo much more then this. I have something for you that is far greater then anything you have known! You are mine, and this is so beneath you!" Well, if you have ever heard the very voice of God speak as clearly to you,as I did in that moment, you know how it is all you can do to comprehend it, let alone react to it! But, react I did. I listened to Him, and I had no reason not to believe Him, and to this day, still do not. Everything He is, says, does, and has for each and everyone of us, is all for us, because of His great and endless love for us! The key is getting past the, "well then why....?" questions, and the, "well if only......?"

That was the beginning of a very slow, sometimes rocky journey of faith in following Him. What else is there, really I thought? I remember, my brother, Angus would hear what I would have to say, or see me do something faith oriented, and say, "Megan....you are a zealot!" At the time, I was sord of offended, although my ignorance to it's meaning kept me from too much offense. But looking at it now, (and in all my most profound, grounded and sound theological thinking, NOT) I think, "Thank you! Whatever in the world could be more important then seeking out the One who is the very reason my heart beats?"

And as this journey of mine continues to unfold, I face the extreme reality of my only son's exodus Home. I face it with a choice before me....1} I can curl up in the fetal position, run from what God is doing in this, and how He might use this hurt to bring Himself glory or 2} I can embrace it and be submissive to Him using me and my experience to help others. To quote one of my most beloved bible teachers, and a hero in the faith, Beth Moore:

"Every time we suffer loss, we have an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed."

FATHER GOD, USE ME, USE MACSEN, USE MY VERY LIFE AND THE GREATEST BLESSING TO BRING YOU MUCH GLORY, THAT YOU, JESUS WOULD BE REVEALED. MAY OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN CALLED TO THIS PATH OF GRIEVING THEIR CHILD WOULD COME TO KNOW YOU, AND YOUR UNMATCHABLE LOVE FOR THEM. OPEN MY HEART AND EYES TO THE VISION YOU HAVE TO DRAW CLOSE TO THE HURTING, AND REVEAL TO THEM YOUR CAPABLE, SAFE, AND FAITHFUL ARMS. TO YOU BE THE GLORY, FOREVER, AND EVER. AMEN

This journey I am on is mine.......and I wouldn't trade it for anything! (I have Heaven waiting for me....why would I? And my sweet little man to hold there! I will see you soon Macsen! I love you! Keep praying for mommy!)

{hOpE iN hEaVeN}

2008-10-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes, and picture it..........

The cold December night air on your face. Warm jazzy Christmas music to charm the ambiance. Crisp white Christmas lights setting your eyes to drink in all the gorgeous baskets and gifts from the most generous of hearts. Taken away by the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and an elegant table of decadent desserts that almost sing to you. Precious person, upon precious person there with the same desire. To be a part, in someway to come alongside broken hearted mommy's and daddy's to remind them that all is not lost! There is indeed a purpose behind their sorrow. A purpose far greater then they could think or imagine. A purpose, that although extreme in it's level of hurt now, can be cradled by something only a God that loved us, so much He sent His son could provide. Cradled by a Hope in Heaven.

On December 15th, 2008 The Greatest Blessing Ministry is hosting it's 1st annual Silent Auction and Dessert. The money raised will go towards the growing of a ministry, that I know from very personal experience, is desperately needed. In the hospital I was given a simple satiny box to hold my son's belongings. His cap, his ID bracelet, a lock of his hair, and his delicate hand and foot casts. It was all nice.....but how do you put a limit on the degree of kindness and love when someone has been given such a rocky road to journey upon? His hair was in a zip lock bag, and the box was bulging and most definitely made in China. (no offense) Just not the perfection that should hold my sweet boys things.

The Greatest Blessing Memory Boxes,are intentionally created with a heavenly aura, and not overtly "baby boy", or "baby girl". To me, that is intensely depressing..... the idea is to help get minds off of the temporal, and onto the eternal. After all, there is no doubt, saved or unsaved, all agree that our babies are in a place of paradise and happier then anyone of us could dream, conjure up or attempt to pay for ourselves! Jesus already paid for it! The goal is to fill each box with gifts to help heal mind, body and spirit.

Organic Sage, Parsley and Rose Bud tea to aid the body in halting the lactation process.......

A beeswax candle to light in remembrance of the sweet life God blessed you with........

A unique to each box, journal. A place to pour out thoughts and prayers.....

A bookmark with a scripture message....'faith comes by hearing the word'..........

A beautiful and soft hand-made heart shaped flax seed and lavender pillow, that when warmed in the microwave will feel nice on those especially lonely nights.........(no image right now. I will get one soon....)

A small coordinating box to hold the little things....hair lock, ID bracelet, etc.....

A silver angel "mommy" pin to wear to act as a voice for those who might feel like being quite, but still let the world know who they are and what they helped create......(no image right now. I will get one soon....)

Heaven by Randy Alcorn mini-booklet to help, scripturally, answer those questions we all might have after someone we love dies. (no image right now. I will get one soon....)

Honestly....My hope is to have this box so packed with gifts, that closing it is a real challenge! To spill out love from a box that represents King Jesus. And all that He puts "into" us.

Come, save the date and step out into the December cold, and the promise in it's air that Jesus brought on that night in Bethlehem. Come celebrate Macsen Danforth's birthday Home, December 15th. Be there to support a cause that although new, is quite old in it's primace:

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. ~Galatians 5:14

The Greatest Blessing Ministry is hosting

{HOPE IN HEAVEN}

A Silent Auction and Dessert Event

To benefit families that suffer infant loss and to celebrate the life of Macsen Danforth and his 1st birthday Home!

at Greater Gresham Baptist Church in Gresham, Oregon

Monday,December 15th 2008 7pm-10pm

*Tickets will go on sale in the foyer of GGBC. $10. each. Contact Megan Gebhardt directly to purchase now. 503.953.2252

A small taste of items to be auctioned off are:

Photography package donated by Full of Grace Photography (NILMDTS volunteer)

Autographed Randy Alcorn book, Heaven
Autographed fiction book Deadline by Randy Alcorn
Autographed fiction book Deception by Randy Alcorn
Autographed fiction book Dominion
Get Out of That Pit Beth Moore book
Jesus the One and Only hard cover devotional book by Beth Moore

Hand made designer jewelry by Christa Collection
2 Car Details by 4 Wheel Fellowship
"Starbucks or Bust" Gift Basket
"Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Gets Hurt" Gift Basket
All About Kids gift certificate

And much, much more! All utterly appropriate and special to give to your loved ones on Christmas, and all for a cause so worth while!

{A pRiViLeGe}

2008-10-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

There was nothing quite like the nurses at Mt Hood Legacy Hospital, that unspeakable day in December. Their tenderness, care and genuine heart for us as we faced this rocky and unsure journey, was nothing less then the heart of Christ working in them all! It was one of the many ways I had the privilege (and yes you read that right....the privilege) of seeing God at work, and expressing His love for me so loudly. My sweet son being chosen to not have to face
this world: privilege. To be chosen to, prayerfully, be a beacon of light in the midst of Satan's signature....his ally or sidekick really-death. Privilege. God must have thought a lot of how He would be allowed to move through me in this time. He will not give us more then we can bare, and yet this happened? He knows all....He made it that I am more then a conqueror in Christ (Romans 8:37-39), and that this would be an ideal expression of that! Painful, yes....but He didn't even spare Jesus pain! Jesus, His only son whom He was so pleased! Jesus' pain had purpose. SO DOES OURS!

I have jokingly said (although I am very serious), I have a perk in Heaven, a lot of other people do not. Not only will I be in the presence of the ultimate lover of my soul, my creator, my best friend, my intercessor and biggest fan. The Lord Himself. Before my very eyes. I also, have the privilege of a formal introduction to my one and only son... Macsen Danforth. And as I am on my face with praise and adoration for my King before me, I will be at eye level with the sweetest little face I have ever seen. What an AWESOME day awaits me!
(I know...your almost jealous!)

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ~1 Peter 1:6-7

{iNfAnT lOsS rEmEmBrAnCe DaY}

2008-10-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Let me be perfectly honest....over the years, Megan has gotten less and less political. Politicians are phony and slimy and frankly, when asked who I am voting for in the coming election, my pat answer is: "None of the above! Is there a place on the balled for 'THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST'?" Cause I will so be all over that!!!!!!!!

All kidding aside though, I know we are called as Christians to speak our voice and do what we can. We live in the most prosperous nation in the world. Technology abounds here, and our medical quality is acclaimed as being top rate! Confusingly, however, the stillbirth rate is higher in the United States then in any other country in the world! Please let that soak in for a minute! Higher then in places where there are zero prenatal vitamins? Zero ultrasounds performed.? Even lack of hospitals?

If you don't have means to pursue the following actions.....do homework to know what it is you can do! This hurt is one that I can attest to being one, that if avoidable, we want to avoid it! Honor all the families today, that have a little one living with King Jesus. Pray for their hearts today. And pray that God would begin to reveal life through their pain.

P.S I love you Macsen!

_________________________________________________________________

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

{ThE qUoTe...AnD mY pRaYeR}

2008-10-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is a quote I just stumbled upon. It has sung to me in a very needed way tonight! Jesus, thank you for the pot holes You ordain....they always remind our feet, to tell our eyes to stay focused on YOU!

Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future;
faith is having the courage to dance to it today.
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic

{tHe ImPoSsIbLe}

2008-10-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
~ Matthew 19:26

(* The picture is of Macsen's box....the original inspiration to go on and share hope with others!)

The last couple of years of my life have been extremely unforgiving. Challenges and cliffs have seemed to be at every turn. And in it all, my God has been willing and anxious to be there and see me through. There is nothing else that has been. Everything and everyone else asks, "what's in it for me?" God's economy is so far off from ours, and I for one am grateful it is. It most definitely doesn't always make sense to me, but in hind sight it is always what is best.

In the midst of these "impossible" times I can see the fingerprints of one that sees the beginning from the end. He sees it.....and He is unshaken by it. In fact, in my finite thinking I would for see the need for real quite and normality, but I have actually found that in those times (when I think I know what should be....funny), God then throws things in that put me absolutely out of my comfort zone! "Really God? Are you sure? I think you got my file mixed up with someone else! Do you remember what I've been through? What I am currently going through? That's crazy! You want me to do what?" Crazy huh? So was asking Peter to step out onto the crashing waves. So was instructing Noah to build an ark that would take years to construct. So was placing Joseph in multiple gloomy situations. How about when I told Moses to go back to a place he had been thrown from. Need I say more? Because I could......

I sit back, and scope all that God has asked me to do in times of trial, and I see IMPOSSIBLE. And then, our helpmate, the Holy Spirit says, All things are possible with God. Oh, how I hate to think of attempting to do any thing without you! Thank you for loving me with such an undeserved love!

Now I'll close my eyes....and step out of the boat!

{LeGaCy}

2008-09-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

What person could honestly say that when they die, that they don't hope their life left some kind of a mark? One to grow from, learn from or be inspired by? A mark that encompasses the hope they had, the things they loved, and ultimately the part they played in having been used through their own hurts, pain, regrets and mistakes. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, turn it all around in a way that brings glory to God and the heart He has for His people. I for one want desperately to leave that kind of mark! That kind of legacy. He is very much in the business of redemption! It is His specialty, and His delight! And it no doubt is what brings Him the most glory!

For me, a "legacy" reaches easiest in terms of my little one's and the impression my every move makes upon them. When I look back and really ponder my own childhood, and all the memories I have, I am astounded at what my mind has been able to retain! Small things, yet huge in their ability to really depict those moments I ponder of my youth. ( It helps me to stay mindful of the small minds I now am a mommy too. God help me be bright!!!!)

The small things are small, but they remind me of my true first brush with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. So many things....small-yet huge. Like the smell of home made bread.The time taken to remind me that others have feelings, and sharing and being kind are right, and necessary. I can remember vividly, as if it were yesterday the times my mom would put extra creativity into things! Those things have so stuck! Huge part of why I now strive to be an *oober* colorful mom. ( Oober was so borrowed from a " mentor/ friend-mom"of mine, Debbie. Hi deb! That word is so great!) Every birthday was special, unique and had something involved about it. Like one year she made a detailed Super Woman on my birthday cake with frosting. (You could even see her little arm bands! I loved Super Woman! ) Small.....but big to me. We lived out in the country. Way out in the country I might add, and I can only imagine what a struggle it must have been to dream up things to have us do so we didn't kill each other, nor drive our mom to utter "crazy"! I can so more appreciate that now that I have small people that are ferocious in the "entertain-me-right-now-department". I remember once my mom having my brother and sister and I go out in the October Montana cold to walk around the house a few times on Halloween, only to come through the back porch to a hauntingly fun feast. The lights were dimmed , only lit by candles, my mom was in a costume, (for whatever reason, I have deleted the what costume it was from my mind! RANDOM) and the table was set with crazy, sugary treats, scary prizes and spooky everything! All translated by my small eyes as: LOVE! She put time, energy, thought, time and SELFISHNESS into being a mommy. Being a good parent, i am seeing, can be pretty much rapped up in that one word. I still have to work on that.

I pray that as my babies look back upon the life of their mommy, that they see a woman that first and foremost loved! Loved them, loved God, loved life and all that He had written for the life He had for her. I pray that they see that despite the pain that came my way, and the heartache that I did not choose nor create: Mommy faced it knowing that she is loved by a God that surpasses our own reasoning, intellect, and our own human ability to love. It was Him. It was Him that carried mommy. It was Him that gave her ability where it looked impossible. It was Him that whispered visions into her ears. It was Him that kept her striving towards hope. It was Him that never did leave her nor forsake her. It was Him. It was always Him. He is so good. He loved my mommy, and I know He loves me!

I know that each of us, as mother's, friend's, daughter's, and wive's desire to leave a legacy worthy of leaving! And I pray it's a desire to leave a legacy that doesn't embellish us .....but instead magnifies HIM! I love you God.

The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the
name of the wicked will rot. ~ Proverbs 10:7