{cReAtIvItY}

Megan truly doesn't know what to do with herself if she isn't being creative in some capacity. honestly, it is such good medicine to me. When I am stressed, anxious, lonely, whatever. I can let loose creatively, and I feel very in harmony with God. After all, He gave me that desire, and the ability. So I use it almost as a form of communication. Maybe not so much to Him. (I just flat out try to dialogue with Him throughout the day.) But more about communicating with myself. Figuring out what I am thinking and feeling, and where I see myself going. It's difficult to explain. Some of you may read that and think, a bit too weird for me. But really, I am weird! Crazy, curious, whimsical, wild, eccentric....call it what you want. I am what I am. And truth be told, I am flowering into the Megan I have suppressed for far too long. I can't put my finger on it exactly. Is it because I am seeing life with new eyes now that my son is in Heaven? Is it that I have a life of being a single mom ahead of me, and really, what do I have to lose? Be yourself!!!! For goodness sake, be yourself! Because, I really haven't been. The Megan I have been has been one that has been timid. Fearful. Beat down. Self conscience. Gun-shy. (I could go on and on. Sad, I know). But that Megan is gone. Gone forever. (Not sad.)

There is a great deal about my sweet little man, Macsen going Home that I will not fully grasp until I stand before the Lord Jesus. But when that little boy went UP to Heaven, something came DOWN as well. And it nestled itself in my heart. It looks different to me almost every day. Boldness. Uniqueness. Vision. Hope.Braveness. Please don't misunderstand me. NONE OF IT IS FROM ME. I am not ignorant enough to claim any of it as my own. God has given it, and I pray He doesn't take it away.

I am in need, dear friends. I am facing a life of raising 2 amazingly gorgeous, bright, funny, and adventurous girls, all alone. In doing that, I, a stay home mom since my first came into this world, is faced with providing for the three of us. I do not have a college education. My work experience is sporadic, and certainly not complimentary of this hurting economy. And the thought of putting my babies in daycare makes me want to just cry. (Daycare is something each of us choose for our own families. Sometimes it is unavoidable. For some it just fits. Nobody is right, or wrong in that choice. But my heart is broken, yet again, with the idea for my children.)

Along with this amazing ministry of memory boxes for bereaving families, that God has so graciously given me, I am looking to start my own business. I know what your thinking. are you crazy? And I think the answer is indeed,yes. Yes I am. But being here with them.....even if I have 5 minutes to play with them, is very important to me.


I want to mommy them.

I want to provide for us.

I want to use what God has given me.

So my plea is this: As God brings me to your mind, pray that His mighty hand of blessing, prosperity, and abundance be upon me and all these visions and dreams. There is so much injustice and unfairness that is going down right now in my life. Those things are for Him to tend to.


Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

~Romans 12:19

I am simply this:

A mommy who really loves these girls, and desires to be their most paramount influence. (As big of a responsibility as I know that is! )

A girl with alot of bottled up creativity and ideas. All of which are marketable and worthy of a stage of their own.

To KNOW God, and His husbanding in such a freakishly REAL, WHOLE, FULL, and ADDICTING way....that everything else, is gravy!

Thank you ladies. prayer matters. He hears it. He loves us more then we can even remotely fathom! (Don't ya love knowing that?!!!)

Thought I would share a few little things I "recreated" for the girls this year for their Christmas gifts. Seriously....thrift storing is an addiction of mine, so maybe this comes as little surprise. But I am so doing this every year! It was thrilling, fun, and so affordable! Thank you God. You are the giver of some pretty FANTABULOUS ideas! I love you!

Mia Brooke's doll bed. A whopping $7.00 when all was said and done!

Maizy Bly's doll bed. Again......$7.00.

(Both these girls have said they want to be "baby nurses" when they grow up. If that is what God leads them to, they have alot of experience to draw upon with families that may lose their little one! Now they have some little beds to get some practice in)

This was a real find....I only wish I had the before. There was a crazy, primary colored clown on the front. (Maizy is scared of clowns. ALL OF THEM) So, a little paint here, a little decoupage there, and there you go. If you can't read it, it says...

BELIEVE THEATRE

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU JUST BELIEVE

we currently have zero puppets, but, at 3 and 6, they are very able to IMAGINE with their stuffed animals, and make their own at craft time! (let's see a Wii do that, huh?)

Thank God for your gifts today.

Writing.

People.

Cooking.

Dancing.

Singing.

Imagining.

Painting.

Numbers.

He is worthy of all praise. Where would we be without Him.

Scary thought!

{2009}

Tonight, as I sit to type, so very many thoughts flood my mind.

And many emotions rush my heart.

2008.....gone forever.

How on earth did I make it through?

What could possibly happen in 2009?

My once extreme optimistic heart is a bit reluctant to ponder it, to be perfectly honest. This year represents a great deal of loss for me. And even more heartache. And certainly it's share of spiritual struggles.I've decided that I really don't like it down here. But I have also decided to remain optimistic. God is in control. He loves me. He loves you. He knows BEST! So I am believing...

2009 is going to be one of blessing.
One of joy.
One of victory.
One of peace.
One of excitement.
One of love.
One of solidity.
One of laughter.
One of energy and health.
One of financial break though and independence.
One of anointing.
One of spiritual strength.
One of wisdom.
One of faithfulness.
One of discernment.
One of abundance.
One of fruitfulness.
One of sharing HIM like never before.
One of being used of God to bring Him much glory!

Sounds like a good year to me. What do you think?

Dear 2008,
Good bye to you. Good bye to all the burdens, heartbreak and evil you brought this way. Good bye to the pain and sorrow. Good bye to the deceit, unfaithfulness and betrayal. Good bye to you........

"Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children."

Genesis 50:19b-21

Thank you God. I needed to hear that tonight! I hope you did too.

Peace be with you in 2009!

{GoD sHoWeD uP}

We did it! You did it, and I did it. We made it through all of Christmas. Some moments harder then others, some more tearful then the few before. Parts of the build up where the only thing that was felt was the void of the little person or persons we wanted to be joining in on all the fun. Even if their only contribution would have been cooing and needing a diaper change. : ) It was none the less missed.

To be honest, Christmas, and the time leading up to it felt, for the most part, very orchestrated and contrived. But I was in no way about to let ME take over and ruin this holiday for my ladies, though. That is precisely what Satan wants. This is NOT about ME. Christmas is such a spring board of faith in the hearts of little people. I recall being small and feeling just how very much God's love was for me at Christmas. I wanted to give that to my babies. I knew how much they were watching me, watching how I would react because of Macsen not being here. They are so much smarter and attentive then we give them credit for! So we did alot of talking about the celebration for Jesus' birth that was taking place in Heaven. The one their baby brother was a part of. It was healing, exciting and peaceful.

I had to share my girls with my husband, whom which, most of you may not know I am separated from. He would not tell you that his leaving us was due to Macsen's exodus Home, but it is .....in more ways then we will ever wrap our minds around, I am sure! So...faced with a NEW Christmas in more ways then just being with out my baby boy, GOD SHOWED UP ! The girls and I shared a Christmas Eve full of lots of food, goofing off, and talking about the Lord's precious birth. Then, I was up until midnight getting food prepped, toys set up, and toys "ready". ( I did the majority of my shopping this year at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army. So fun! You never know what your going to get, but it all needs some love and a touch of creativity! And it isn't the same sting on the pocket book, eh?! ) * Heads up: in coming posts all the neat blessings for Christmas God brought me to for my adorable girls! It really kind of puts you in a place of His guidance as to what you'll get for those you love. The thrill of the hunt with a spiritual twist! RUSH!

God is good! I so want to hear about how God comforted you as you faced this holiday. The God that parted the Red Sea, rose the dead and healed the sick is the same God today. He loves you, and knows your pain, void, and need like no one person ever could.

Trust Him. Be encouraged. He is caring for those we miss and feel such heartache for. Bask in that, and use the comforting He is giving to you to help others that don't know....HIM!

{Peace be with you!}

{bIg SiStErS)

Jesus' birthday is anything but typical, ordinary, or average. It has always invoked magic, truth, promise, hope and most definately love!

This year, all of that is not lost for me. But, rather more amplified. And along with it being more amplified, there is something about it all that sears my heart like it never has before. The sacrifice that was made! God, giving us His son.He was utterly aware of what He was giving up. Of what He was sacrificing. Had He asked me to give up Macsen, December 15th of last year, I would have told Him "No way!"

But He didn't ask. He took Him anyway....knowing what my answer would have been.

Does He love me any less for doing so? For taking him to Himself? Does He love you any less for taking Home your loved one?Absolutely not!

God has showed me a different way to look at all this. Putting me in this place, at this time is more an honor, then anything else. That He thought enough of me, to have my boy be with Him now, spared the hurt and pain of this world.As I work here as His ambassador. His light here, NOW! We are all called to be salt and light. Particularly when trials come our way! That is potentially where we can shine the brightest And be the saltiest! He desires to use us in this time. To reflect what has been depositted inside of our hearts. The Holy Spirit.

So this Christmas, as difficult as it may feel at times to me without my 1 year old boy on my hip, I choose to praise the One that made it possible, real, true, and worth pressing on toward while I am here. The One that has blessed me with ALL that I have here now to enjoy and love, until that day that I get to go Home.......

Meet Macsen's big sisters......

Mia Brooke 6 Maizy Bly 3

Ladies night out to THE SINGING CHRISTMAS TREE.

(They were some true show stoppers!)

Mia Brooke... the ultra school girl! Maizy Bly......the ultra show girl!

SNOW! It's cold!

What the heck is goin' on in these here parts?

Chocolate lovers! (So my daughters)

Our bubble gum pink tree in our room!

We love you baby brother, Macsen! XO

Merry Christmas to you in Heaven!

{oNe MeMoRy BoX aT a TiMe}

CREATING MEMORY BOXES TO HELP HURTING HEARTS AFTER THEIR BABY' S EXODUS HOME. IF WE BAND TOGETHER, IN THE NAME OF JESUS WE CAN SHARE OUR COMFORTER WITH THOSE WHO SO DESPERATELY NEED HIM.

ONE MEMORY BOX AT A TIME.....

2 CORINTHIANS 1:3-4

{hAnDs AnD fEeT}

There is so much that "sings" to each of us differently in the midst of heartache. In particular, I am thinking about those extremely tender first several days, and weeks after my son went to Heaven to live and I had a "new normal". When I was told Macsen was no longer with us several degrees of grief ensued. Initially, clearly, it is utter shock, pain that is indescribable and a slap in the face of mortality that words can not convey. But as the days wear on, and everyone around you is going on with life as usual, I felt very much like I was living in jell-o. Things had slowed very down, and the littlest of tasks was extremely overwhelming. Can anyone else relate?

This ministry of memory boxes, filled with items that I feel would have "sung" to me, is one that I take very seriously, and am sure that it is of God's ordaining. I am calling on all my sisters in the faith, my kindred spirits in our passions, and on all of us that have even more to be excited about when we get to Heaven. Glorying in our King, first and foremost, but also being reunited with our little ones, never to be separated from them again! HALLELUJAH!

As painful as it may be to recall those early days and weeks, I ask that you please do. Try to remember what you were given that ministered to you. Also remember what you weren't given that would have. Bear in mind the boxes are 10x10, and are about 6" deep. I daydream about them being so packed that you can barely close it. Sigh....
Currently in each box is as follows:

• Organic sage, parsley and rose bud tea to aid the body in suppressing milk production. Also comes with a bamboo steeper.
  

This for me personally, would have been amazing. I make milk.....alot of milk. My body knew this little man was big, so it was prepping up! Going through that was impossibly difficult. A constant reminder of what I did not have.

• A beeswax candle for lighting to remember. Highly aromatic and Lavender- lovely. It fills the box with peace and life.
  
• A journal to put down thoughts and prayers
  


• A flaxseed and lavender heart shaped pillow to hold
  

If you put this in the microwave for a minute or so it warms up nice to really give your empty arms something to do. I was given a polka-dot square pillow in the hospital, and honestly, felt insulted that there was anyone that could think that would be a suitable "replacement". Well, it wasn't, but I used it, and have it to this day. Big sissy Maizy just loves to sleep with it.

• A small white cherub figurine/ornament.

I seek high and low at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and surrounding thrift stores. They are, after all, my preferred place to buy ALL things. I am very picky, and it needs to be just right. I do a real thorough clean up job on all that I get. I have had much success and everyone then gets something quite unique. (Good stewardship....I desire to have it in abundance!)

• A booklet of the Heaven book by Randy Alcorn.

A small taste of what to expect from the book itself. Eternal Perspectives Ministry graciously donated them. Thank you EPM.

• A smaller box within the memory box. All in coordinating colors and theme. Meant to hold hair lockets, hospital ID bracelets etc

My son's above items were handed to me in a zip lock bag.

Need I say more.......

• A note from me, with all my contact information. On the back is references that may be helpful. Web sites, books, counselors, etc.
  

Constantly in "upgrade mode".....I am learning something new everyday. Mainly from you amazing women. Two...I am obsessed with bereavement of babies. Not in an unhealthy way, I really believe God has just burdened me for it for this very thing. All I know is, upon leaving the hospital, I came home and, first stared at my Christmas tree for like two weeks. (Yes...the DEAD one!) But after that I was obsessed with the Internet and learning of others that had walked this journey, and had not only lived to tell about it, but tell about it and be encompassed with JOY, inspite of the hurt!

Ladies, if you have ideas and thoughts to help these boxes be more of a blessing, please make a comment. Search your heart for what might hold the hand of those precious souls out there that have yet to face this storm. Together we can be His hands and feet.Your input is vital to this being all that it can be. My dream, is for these boxes to invoke PEACE, ELEGANCE, COMFORT and most of all HOPE and LOVE. A spa box, if you will, with the aroma of Heaven and the promise we have in the Cross! Thank you for your help! Where ever you are in this journey of grieving your little one, know that God has placed us all here...... for such a time as this! ~Esther 4:14b

{tHaNk YoU}

It snowed. It snowed alot. Many are reluctant to venture into it (which I must say I don't get. I feel like a real fuddy-duddy when I say this, but here it goes. I used to walk in 6 ft of snow to get to school. Blizzard or not, I was walking. I grew up in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, so this...is nothing.). So, bearing in mind all of those that were unable to come tonight, we have decided to postpone it. It is Macsen's birthday Home, which is cause for celebration. But I can celebrate that anytime. All the time. Everyday I am reminded of his presence missing in my life. But soon after that reminder, I am eased with the peace, that it is only for a time. One day we will be together again.

At the point at which my heart was the heaviest thus far today, I fell to my knees to pray. The sobs were too suffocating to get much off of my lips. I was, however, able to say the only thing that would have summed my heartache up to the Lord into one small phrase: "Thank you!!!!"

God's sacrifice for you, and for me, and for Macsen, is what ensures our place in Heaven. It is what keeps my heart imprisoned in hope!

"Thank you", was all I could say.

It's all that needs to be said.

Macsen, my little man...I love you. Happy Birthday! I would sing it to you, but I am pretty sure the angels are doing that better then I could. What a party it must be!

NEW AUCTION DATE: (all tickets purchased will be valid at the door. So hold onto them!)

Friday, January 30th 7pm-9pm

Save the date, and please do not feel concern for this change and how it is effecting me. God is on His thrown.....He has something bigger in store! Hope you'll stick around with me to see what it is! Thank you.