{gAtHeRiNg Of HoPe}

This might look like like some random, and insignificant collection/project of an avid crafter/wanna-be-artist......but it is indeed so much more. Each one of these hearts represent the life of a baby that was taken away into the arms of the Lord. Too soon for us left behind, but just in time for the ones now there celebrating.

This past Saturday night, I had the immense honor of being part of of something breathe taking. The hospital where my son was "born", has never had a memorial service to bless the hurting families of infant loss, but also give a place where those babies could be celebrated, grieved for, and remembered. This breathe taking event was very appropriately called,
The Gathering of Hope.

My lovely friend, and the very one that took every precious picture of my sweet boy, Amy, was the vessel from which God laid on her heart to reach out, share and create this night for these families that she has spent some very intimate moments with. She is a volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but she is so much more. She is my dear friend. She is an angel.

The night was filled with Jesus in so many more ways then I could accurately describe. He was again there, real, and moving on HIS behalf! (There is no one else in the world that can be ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES and have it come off so OK! Am I right?! He is so amazing!)

Hearts were moved and yet still. Eyes were crying, but seeing hope, babies were being remembered and yet have never been forgotten! I for one, am a very proud mommy of an angel saint baby! I think we all had a bit of pride that night. Those babies have taught us more then we can really explain. They have been part of the potters tool chest to help shape us into His likenesses. For so many of us, these sweet babies are the very reason that we sprint into the arms of the very God that holds them so tenderly close to Himself now.

Each of these ornaments I made for those left here to grieve. But the gift that these babies have left in the hearts for us that are grieving, is above and beyond any tangible object or thing. It is likely the very thing that has ushered us into the throne room with the King. For now only in our spirit and mind....but one day to be redeemed to reality. These small lives have undoubtedly changed who we are forever, and hopefully for the better. I pray that as the days and weeks go on, that those that attended that are not walking with the Lord will ask themselves, WHY AM I NOT? Like what on earth else is there?

GOD...YOU ARE HOLY AND GOOD. I PRAY NOW THAT YOUR SPIRIT WOULD ENCOMPASS EACH HEART THAT WAS THERE. THAT YOU WOULD SEND ANGELS TO PROTECT THEM, SERVANTS TO SERVE THEM, AND THAT YOU LORD, WOULD SING OVER THEM AS THEY SLEEP. THAT THEY WOULD AWAKE WITH YOU ON THEIR MIND AND IN THEIR HEART. MAY MANY COME TO SERVE YOU, AND REMEMBER THAT THE ULTIMATE GATHERING OF HOPE WILL ONLY TAKE PLACE AT YOUR FEET, IN HEAVEN.

AS THEY HOLD THEIR BABIES IN THEIR ARMS!

{a NiGhT tO rEmEmBeR}

Envision me, on the highest peak of a snow covered mountain. Breeze blowing, sky blue and lit by the sun and all it's fire. Screaming at the top of my lungs:

GOD......I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People....we serve a very good God! Good not because He gives us what we want when we ask it. He doesn't always. Good, not because we feel like we have somehow convinced Him to go along with our brilliant ideas and made them to happen. No, He is good, because HE IS!

There are moments in all of our life where we can say we felt Him there. Tasted His very presence, heard Him speak to us, or just flat out knew, without a shadow of a doubt that HE, with everything else He has going on, showed up in our little lives and suffocated our situation with His love, peace, provision, words, promises, and very presence.

On Friday night, God did all of that, and so much more! My weak little vocabulary can not convey fully to you how very held, carried, guided and anointed I felt that night, or the very room felt.

There were over 55 items up for auction. Over 25 volunteers. At least 65 plus guests that attended, and more sweets that i can say! Yum! And all told, The Greatest Blessing raised approximately $2700.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That could serve at least 50 families alone with a memory box to help remind them of the small life that they WILL see again!

I was so outrageously grateful to the Lord for all that He did, and allowed and blessed me with, that on Saturday, I gave it ALL to Him. By ALL, I mean.....ALL of my voice?! Let me explain....

So I put on my iShuffle (as to make it that I can in no way hear myself, of course, Aghh!), and I sang to Him all day long! So much so, that by the time I came to church that evening I sounded like a sad, raspy almost sickly version of myself! But....

He was worth it!

He is so good. And I do not know about you, but lately, He has been given me some BIG ideas that are clearly STRETCHING me and my thinking, comfort, and know-how. But He is always there to make it alright! This night was a perfect exaple of that!

Did I mention how much I love God?!

I am sorry you couldn't be there......maybe next year? I have a feeling it will be even BETTER!

{GOD IS SO GOOD!}

{hOpE iN hEaVeN}

Friday

January 30th, 2009

7-9 pm

Greater Gresham Baptist Church

3848 NE Division StreetGresham, Oregon 97030

Hope In Heaven Dessert and Silent Auction benefit to raise money so that The Greatest Blessing can continue to share the comfort of others, the love of Christ, and the promise He paid for us....our Hope in Heaven.

Thank you Jesus!

{tHe AuCtIoN}

There is a great deal to be excited about in this little world, called my life. God has shown Himself faithful and true, time and time again. That is such a lovely thing to bathe in after knowing intense betrayal in my short time here on earth. Our God means what He says, and He does what He says. Box by box that goes into the empty arms of heartbroken people, I am so blessed to be used by such a faithful and true God, I can't even tell you.

For several years now I have been feeling like a real loser. God....you have given me this gift. This gift to make things pretty, and cozy, comforting and warm, and from what I have been told of others, welcoming. But how, how on earth can I be used by you with those gifts? My home is lovely and it is a blessing to make it such for my family?!Ok....so I could host a bible study or something, but is that all? I want to do more. Use me God.

And then my prayer was answered,and my life was forever changed. Little did I know that in saying that prayer, in the very answering of it was needing to take place, the death of my one and only boy. His ways aren't our ways, are they? There is no way you can know what God is going to do, or planning to.

So these boxes are His plan. He is using these gifts of mine that He had planned on using, long before the notion of losing my baby had ever even touched my thoughts.

Make no mistake, dear one, He has a plan for you as well. I can not explain how I knew this was what I was to do. I think the most obvious indicator was that it made little sense to those around me. How can you want to reach out so soon?What is making you want to tread through the reminder of it? It really was when everyone thought I was a bit "off" that I was beginning to see that I was "alot" on the right track.

The Greatest Blessing's first fundraiser and auction is coming up this next Friday. I am extremely excited to see how it unfolds, and to see all that God does. I have not done anything like this before in my life! I mean...I can throw a mean 6 year old Princess Pony Birthday Party, but this is a few degrees hotter then that! Somehow though, God has given me a vision, a plan, and intensely generous people that have donated and are helping behind the scenes, but I still need your prayers, people of God. He is listening, and He loves to see us flourish when our aim is to help others, share our testimony, and place Him on His rightful throne! That is all I am trying to do here. I remember lying in my hospital bed, a day or so after my Macsen went to live in Heaven, and saying, "the only way that going through this pain will be worth going through is to witness FREAKISH glorification of King Jesus!"

Every dollar raised will enable this ministry to continue. I have been paying for the boxes from my own pocket, and have done it with pure joy. But, my life is changing, my home is changing, and God is doing a work in the midst of it, despite how much hurt and darkness seem to be surrounding me. Besides, it is not for me to hoard all of the joy in helping theses hurting hearts....it needs to be shared! So much this life hands us to wade through seems impossible to defeat at one time or another. But He will cause His perfect plan to work out and do exceedingly and abundantly more then we can think or imagine!

By the way...public speaking is certainly not my most loved and adored pass time, but I have so much I want to convey, and I need God to speak it all through me. (Add that to your prayers PLEASE.)

If you are able, near, available, I hope to see you at the auction. It can't happen without the people! Together as the body of Christ, we can share with the grieving the Hope we have in a God that has conquered death and the grave! Praise you Jesus!

You are KING!

{tHe BoX}

How do I begin to tell you of the power, grace, peace, and compassion that floods my very heart and therein every limb upon the delivery of one of these boxes? I am in awe to this minute as I think back upon them, and I so I want to share it with you.

I do not always get to hand deliver these boxes. I would if I could, for every single one! But details here and there prevent from it, and the details that I can work around, or by God's grace get beyond with His help, I will diligently cooperate where needed to get past them. There has, however, been a hand full of times that I have been so blessed to walk in, see the faces that are hurting, hold their hand, pray with them, just be in the room with them. And to be able to whisper to them, "I know. I know."

The first time I was called by the hospital here, where my sweet boy, Macsen was actually delivered, I was speechless. I literally felt electric. Even now, when I here of a baby going Home, I go into this electric prayer-mode. I am immediately reminded, in a gentle way, of the heartache, as if it were all so fresh again. I am very able to identify with what they are feeling and thinking. I know usually the sex of the baby, and so I am able to pray for her or his mommy, daddy, and other family members.

On the way to the hospital, that first time, my prayer was that God would be tangible, and palatable. That He would speak through me and to them. As I arrived to the door, a simple deep breathe was taken, and then to the SWOOSH of the heavy, big hospital room door.

I have never felt what came next. (Not that feeling electric and being in this prayer-chant-mode was typical of me, by any means. :) Wow do I sound weird!) As each foot touched the ground I felt almost the nod of God Himself upon me. Like I was actually doing, finally, what His will for me, and my life was all along! It was in that instant that I began to have a new found thankfulness for where I was. It sounds wrong to say that you are thankful that your child has died, and I so don't mean that. I guess it was more, a thankfulness that HE had redeemed it! He had been good on His word.....the very word that is inscribed on my son's pewter football urn where his tiny ashes now lay:

All things work together for good for those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.

~Romans 8:28

As I can best recall, I believe it is 10 plus boxes that have now gone out to precious people that have this journey ahead. Not a huge number, yet not a small one either. These boxes take time. They each take care, embellishing and a lot of thought goes into each and every, very unique and individual box. Just as each life missed is unique, and individual, I find it appropriate that each box be the same.It's so, kind of zany and mysterious to me, really. I have spent a great portion of my adult life, (not so much my youth because, well, I was an idiot) really stretching, growing and learning to be one that can think outside the box. And yet here I am, well into my adult life. Stormy journey, upon stormy journey, and I am finding my joy, my peace, my drive, my hope and my purpose......inside of a box.

God......I LOVE YOU!

{mOtHeRiNg My SoN fRoM a FaR}

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about Macsen. He is no less my child because I do not tend to him like his sisters. No less mine because I have never heard his voice, and never made eye contact with him.

My mothering him looks different here, is all. I mother him and am a good example to him all the time. How? You might ask...I'll explain in a few....

I was talking with a friend tonight and God spoke into my heart as I was talking to her (hi Lisa! Also a precious mom walking this unsure journey. Good thing we are holding Jesus' hand, huh?!!!!) . He reminded me that any mommy that was quickly placed into a dangerous situation, where either you or your child were in danger, without thinking, mommy will put herself in the direct path of harm, over her child. We have to remember when Satan tries to cage us in our broken heart,in our pity party, that we are hurting, yes, but our children are not. And they never will. Please see the gift in that, beloved. We are walking a very painful journey, but at the expense that our little one is spared more then we can even fathom at this stage in our life. After all, where we are is certainly not the end of our sufferings. That ends only when we reach our real Home. God desires no one to hurt and feel pain. He doesn't get some thrill or joy from it. But it is indeed part of this fallen world we are passing through, and He is going to make the pain not at all be in vein! He is using it to conform us into His likeness. It's so much deeper, and so much heavier then I can understand in my un-complex mind. But I believe it in my heart.

He loves you. He loves me. There is going to be storms. Some raging and crashing so loud that all we can seem to hear is the fear in it. The uncertainty in it. That is where the renewing of our minds will be most powerfully effective. Having our house built on a Rock. Sound familiar? Knowing His word, and His voice is going to mute the thunder and waves and still the fear inside of us. It is the ONLY thing! So I am excited and eager to be more diligent about memorizing His "love letter" to us.

My dear friend, Lynn and I are getting together once a week to "scrap" words from the bible that we each have picked out that "sing" to us. So you "homework" it and see what verse is most pulling at your heart. Then we dress it up, with paper, fancy scrapbooking do-da's (this is where Lynn's scrapbooking expertise and there-in vocabulary would really come in handy and help me to not look like such a yahoo! : ) Thank you very much!) Memorizing scripture doesn't need to feel like you are becoming a Monk or a Nun. You are not signing your life away. You will gain life from it dear one!

It is amazing to think, that my sweet 6 year old Mia has memorized more scripture in her little life then I have known in all of mine. When I grow up....I want to be like Mia! SIGH. Sharp in His word, knowledgeable of it's location in the bible, and able to recite at a moments notice. Not to be showy and prideful by any means, but rather due to the fact that I have had a crash course in the last few years as to just how fallen this place is. How strong the waves in the storm can be. And how desperately I need this mind 'o mine renewed!

I have said it before, I will say it again: I don't like it here at all! BUT....I have a job to do while here! So I press on.....

So...back to "How do you mother a baby that is not of this world anymore? A baby that lives in Heaven? How are you a good example" I would just love to tell you! I am SO a work in progress in this, please bear in mind. But God is faithful. He loves children and family, and He wants to reach down from Heaven and show me the way to live here, as though I am living There! So each day I trust He will show me how to do some of the things on this list that I currently struggle with. And He will bless me and "pat me on the back" with things that I am already doing! Let's all step out in faith and do them! I Know that as you read through them, that you will find that there is nothing there that will not bless, behoove, encourage and edify you today, tomorrow, the next day! We all need more of that! Right?

• Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
• Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
• Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
• Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
• Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
• Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)

Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!

{LiFe}

Hello all....I pray God is revealing His abounding love and sovereignty in your life, this very day. I am so grateful to know He loves me so much, that He died for me! The ultimate love story! (I am a real sucker for those!)

So many of you have sent me emails of encouragement, ideas, and promises of prayer. I thank you for all of it! It is an odd thing to have this group of people, of whom which you have never heard their voice or seen them face to face, yet you call them "friends". I for one have been immensely blessed by this blog world. To know that I am walking this journey with others brings me real comfort. I give a huge "blog hug" to you all.

For those that are new, and those not so new, let me shed some light on where I sit. This is not a topic I have posted...I will explain why in a bit.

When someone is faced with tragedy and loss, like many of us have been, in the time following it ones true character and beliefs comes forth. My husband had horded intense doubt about this marriage, and shaky trust in God, to say the least. Six months after Macsen, my son, went Home, my husband left. Truth be told it was advised by his counselor that he do so. "You are making the house toxic", his counselor said. And although the advice at the time made me scratch my head with scripturalism (is that a word? It is now!), the house is no longer toxic! It's as though a dark cloud of negativity has been lifted. The sun can finally shine inside! In my girls, and in me! Hallelujah, in me! Please understand, I am not someone that because he was moody and not a bed of roses to live with, that there in lies reason to end things. The level of UGLY that took place in my marriage and outside my marriage is monstrous. The 3-A's" took place: Adultery. Abandonment. Abuse. Seriously...enough said!

The seeming injustice in all of this is that I am now left to pick up alot of pieces. Alot of pieces that are there- not because of me! Such is life. God will have His day dealing with all the UGLY this world dishes our way! That in and of itself brings some peace. I haven't blogged this, or anything else UGLY, really because, WHY? Does Satan need anymore stage then he already has? Do we need to highlight his work? Think upon it, meditate on it? Is'nt the fact that he is the author of death enough? It is for me. He has stolen enough from me! This is a place that I like to express hope, promises and future! No UGLY here. (Asthetically or spiritually, I hope! : / )

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they

may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10

So....here I sit with my 2 sweet girls. No job. ALOT of bills and an uncertain future of raising them as a single women. Like I said, you all sent many great ideas about what I could do to make money and not have to put my girls in daycare. I do have this ministry that I feel so strongly about. It is what I dream to be doing unabashedly, and as a means of our livelihood one day in my future. But until such time, I mentioned starting my own business. An Etsybusiness that is. I am going to do boxes, but ones that are meant for living babies. Ones with a real happy and promising feel. Frankly, I can't imagine a cooler baby shower gift to bring an expectant mother, other then a memory box to fill with all the things that you can't put on a scrapbooking page!!!! So....details to come.

The store. The "pieces". The adventure.

I utterly covet your prayers, and am eager to hear things from you. Ideas of how to advance it. Promote it. What you know of Etsy, or what you have heard. I was on there alot last night and have found it to be a real "culture" almost. One that I need to get educated on. I'm just a girl that wants to live the dream. Do what I love, make a decent living at it, care for my own children, and
finally have my abilities be used of God in a way that blesses others and causes them to appreciate this thing we've been given. life!
(And if their path crosses mine, somehow, with The Greatest Blessing memory boxes, then to have them embrace this thing called eternal life!)

God...You are my Provider! Do Your thing!