{hOmEsIcK....aGaIn}

Two years ago today, the most important man I had ever known, took his last breathe .

My daddy.

I was extremely close to him. We lived in different states, and I wasn't able to see him as often as I would have liked. You know....life happened: marriage, work, kids etc. But when we would speak on the phone, he seemed to take great joy in speaking to me, hearing about my latest challenges and ideas, and all of life's unavoidable heartaches. We were close and I know he loved me much.

His passing was beyond hard. My first real taste of death and all of it's foul flavor. It also fell at the fragile beginnings of some much needed healing in a relationship I had that had delivered me much betrayal. I was already hurting, and my daddy dieing soon took over all my energies and focus. Grief is so exhausting, isn't it? It hurts like what I imagine a perpetual heart attack being like- You can barely breathe, the pain quite intense in your chest, and you are suffocated completely with anxiety. As difficult as that time was, soon after it's news I was surrounded with hope. (I will get to that in a minute)

My daddy grew up in an home and boarding school that was very Episcopalian. He was unmistakably a cowboy. A marine. A man. A gentle spirit. You could never meet someone more charming, witty, tender, intelligent, kind and enjoyable to be around in all of your life. He is an impossible act to follow, my daddy! But I wasn't certain of his place with God or what kind of relationship he had with Him. (the minute is up now...) That is until the evening before He died, I was told he gave his life to Christ, (Praise God! Prayer works!!!) and therein entered into his eternal home, Heaven.

Thank you Jesus for your mercy.

I miss him beyond words. He was my friend. He was my daddy. He still is my daddy. His residents has changed is all. And as much as I miss him, I am very grateful, really, that he did not have to be here to watch his daughter go through the heartache of her lifetime, her baby passing. I believe that would have been more then his tender heart and his baby blues could bear.

So now, as I bow my head to pray, I often picture my daddy in the presence of a most merciful and loving God. And as he basks in His holiness, he holds his only grandson and they play, sing, and laugh, as they enjoy their new Home.....together!

Wishing I were there.

Missing you daddy! I love you!

Danforth Beal

May 25th, 1929-April 3, 2007

*****Doesn't he look just like the Marlboro man?! Such a stud! That's my daddy!!!*****

{GoDsPeEd}

This week many months ago, my only son was conceived. That thought is not only sad for the very obvious reason that he is not here with us anymore, but also because his parents are apart and his big sisters are left to wade through the grief, trauma, disappointment and confusion of being from a broken home. For us here, our home is broken.

For Macsen, THERE, his home is utterly complete!

I miss you everyday, all day. I am, however, so grateful you are FREE!

I am very sure that as your mommy I will never stop longing to hold you. To rock you to sleep. To nurse you until your tummy is full. To see those glittering eyes shine at me as you smile and laugh your way around the grass playing football (or your version of it anyway ;).

I will never stop missing you.

I will never stop thinking about what you are doing.

So I am left to do one thing:

I am left to LIVE.

Living by loving, loving by serving, serving by knowing that my prayers are being heard. Prayers of Godspeed in my life, my broken heart, and for the life of my girls. And believing that the same God that is playing with you, my sweet little boy, is loving me too.

Oh how very much your mommy loves you, Macsen!

Sweet dreams little man.....

{uPdAtInG}

Doing a few updates to the site right now. please bear with me....this is an education. my hope is to make this ministry more followable (is that a word) and create a space that is more user friendly to order a box. also....be looking in the future for "boutique" items.there will be items to buy to honor your little one, but also to help support this ministry to thrive to the glory of God.

I hope to have this place looking fine and very thorough soon! thank you for your patience. also....for those that come to hear my rantings and occasional words of encouragement,
FAITH JOURNAL will be where I will continue to pour out my heart. The good, the bad, the ugly. The real!

{i BeLiEvE}

Why must there be so much pain here?

Why do people choose to see that which they do not have, versus what they do have?

Why do my prayers seem unanswered?

Why is God not breaking certain hearts for what is right and waking them up to truth?

Why am I a mommy that has a deceased baby boy?

I do not have one answer to any of these questions. And I likely won't, this side of Heaven.
A friend asked me tonight if I ever get to a point where I am like, when will all these trials end?Yes I do. I ask and I get no answer. He doesn't always say something. He isn't always obvious and clear. BUT He is always there. And as the words to this powerful song so articulate my world as of late, (and many reading I am sure will relate as well) this is my response:

I BELIEVE.

That is enough. He is enough.

HE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL MY QUESTIONS

(I recommend starting the song below by Barlow Girl, close to the top and just sitting back and taking it in. If I could sing (which I SO can not....I would say this is a "my mantra song", if I have ever heard one!

{wOnDeR wOmAn}

It is such a comfort to know that God is on His thrown. That He is indeed sovereign, and nothing gets past His eyes that roam this entire earth. Nor do His eyes miss what He sees in our heart. I certainly do not ignorantly think that my heart has yet arrived. I am wretched at best and am daily in need of repentance and cleansing. But in this season in my life I feel as though the wicked are prospering, and that this world is pulling on me from all sides whispering lies and temptations with vigor like never before!

The bible says that in our weakness, He is strong. That means I should be a super hero right now, due to the fact that I have clearly, never been so weak! I actually, as childish as it is, like to picture myself as a super hero.....spiritually speaking of course. As though I am no other then - WONDER WOMAN... in this dark kingdom of spiritual warfare! I picture myself as I once OBSESSIVELY watched Linda Carter in all of her strength and ability, save the day, get the bad guy, and still manage to have an utter grace and femininity to her! All, of course, while maintaining perfect make up and oh-so fashionable hair! Truth be told, as a little girl I owned the WONDER WOMAN pantie/tank top set and wore it until it was unrecognizable! I so wanted to be her. Little did I know that in order to "be" her in any capacity as a grown up it meant, one day, I would need to walk through so very much! Fortunately, this WONDER WOMAN is being carried!

How entertaining it is to sit by and watch Hollywood come out depicting all the super heroes I so hypnotically watched weekly in those choppy, bad acting television shows of the time.(Wow do I feel old sharing that!) I am eager to see WONDER WOMAN come out in all it's color and visuals possibly someday soon. Too bad Hollywood's credentials for casting her will likely be utter beauty and fame. If they knew our God and His casting hopefuls how differently they might likely choose. (I mean I do wear cuffs like she did. Doesn't that count for something? Of course she would need to go from being a buxom brunette to a very PAID TO BE THIS BLONDE-BLONDE!) All kidding aside, I am actually thinking about the trials I have had to endure that "qualify" me for that casted role in my own small world. How I pray He uses them to make me, His WONDER WOMAN.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5 :10

MAY MY LIFE GLORIFY YOU KING JESUS. YOU ARE THE WONDER. I'M JUST A WOMAN. (THAT FEELS LIKE A very little girl MOST OF THE TIME!)

{hElP}

This post will be brief. I am desperate for your help. Prayer is much needed. This is as detailed as I will get:

- serious financial provision needed

-I hate being single! anyone that has been married and then NOT, can attest to the gamut of struggles it poses. all new territory for me

-not at all enough free time to be Megan. single parenting sucks! Having a hard time enjoying my girls when the world is screaming "RESPONSIBILITIES!"

-My health is poor. I am a full fledged health nut, but have been treating my body like a trash can. I am taking back my health and have been back in the gym and back to eating well (and just plain eating for that matter!)

-I feel very oppressed this week in my time in the word. I don't want to be in it! Anyone that knows me well knows that is highly off!

I am finding my attitude very frustrated lately. The level of responsibilities that have gone up in my little world, were it to be written down feels like it could equal Moby Dick. Not to be short changed by all the emotion in my home. i.e. Divorce, Macsen, new ministry and single parenting!

Please lift me when you think of it. I am truly hurting! I could use some Calgon, and a tropical vacation for a month with someone who gives a rip about me!. (I know....I can keep on dreaming!)

{hOmE}

Today I went to my mailbox, on a very typical and wet day in the Pacific Northwest. In God's perfect timing my will arrived for me to proof. Perfect because, oddly, it lifted me up.

It reads as follows:



LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF MEGAN GEBHARDT

Know all men by these Presents, that I, MEGAN REBECCA GEBHARDT, a citizen of the United States of America and a resident of Multnomah County, Oregon, being of sound and disposing mind and not acting under duress, menace, fraud or undue influence of any person whomsoever, and realizing, " it is the lot of men once to die and then cometh judgement," trusting that God has made me His own child and has kept me in personal fellowship with Himself so that, purely by His grace I can say, " the course that (God) set I have finished, and i have kept the faith. the future holds for me the crown of righteousness which god, the righteous judge will give to me in that day....and not, of course, only to me but to all of those that have loved what they have seen in Him." (II Timothy 4:7-8)


(There is a great deal of Charlie Brown's teacher that follows.....WAh, wah. Wah. wha.....wha, wha.)


Then....


1.2 DESCENDANTS. My presently living children are:

MIA BROOKE GEBHARDT, born October 13th, 2002
MAIZY BLY GEBHARDT, born June 26th, 2005

References to "my children" shall include any child later born to or adopted by me.

(This is such a statement of HOPE. My girls often ask me if we can pray for another baby. And after I get past the thought- God is done with imaculate conceptions....I remember, God is God. He has so much new and exciting things planned for us. Adopting, whatever?! HERE IS WHERE I GOT ROCKED TO MY CORE AND FELL ON MY FACE BEFORE A MOST DESERVING GOD! )

My child, MACSEN DANFORTH GEBHARDT, is now deceased and a resident of

Heaven.

Words CANNOT convey the emotion I felt when reading that. Small statement, with a whole lot of meaning and power to this mommy that misses her little man so! How is it that a small person that is no longer here, is able to give me strength and purpose to press on and see hope in all the dark?! Intercession on the lap of Jesus comes to mind.

Words are not adequate, but.....

Jesus.....oh how I love you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

HOLD US. OPEN OUR EYES TO YOU,

AND YOUR WILL FATHER. REVEAL TO US OUR REAL HOME. HOW WE CAN STRIVE TOWARDS IT IN ALL WE DO HERE. NOW.

BRING FORTH YOUR SPIRIT TO CHARGE THE HEARTS OF THE DADDY'S !!!! NO MATTER THE COST, SWEET JESUS! YOU ARE WORTHY....TO YOU BE THE GLORY KING JESUS!