{First time at this!}

So no kidding...I am crazy for doing this, but I posted my first try at the "Vlogging" thing. (Hate that name btw)

Just want to add here....I didn't mention the ministry because, I guess in my head and heart it totally goes without saying that I am still doing that, and planning to unto I physically can not. Unfortunately, it isn't a great source of income for me and I am seeking other things out on the side! It doesn't mean that it couldn't maybe be the FULL TIME income thing one day! I pray for that daily! But until then, I wanted to share some ideas I have and ask you guys to join me in asking God to order my steps!

Okay...so here it goes! Oh and also...next time I promise to wear make up! ugh!
Oh and don't forget to roll down to bottom to Playlist and pause the O SO AWESOME TUNES before watching! Thanks! Bye!

First time from Megan Gebhardt on Vimeo.

{Run the Race}

Note: scroll to bottom of Playlist and click PAUSE. Then read the following post and hit play on movie clip. (Bear with the first minute...kinda just "there".)

So much I would like to jot down here...so much is going on in my life. The emotions and trials I face are great....but He is Greater. So I am only, for now, going to share with you something that inspired me as a child, and I didn't even know it. Then I saw it again later in life and only then realized just how much it made that impact on me! Many of you may remember the movie done in the early '80's called Chariots of Fire. It was unapologetically a Christian movie, with an intensely faith based message. It won much acclaim, and I look back upon it in my minds eye often as a reminder. The sad truth is that in this "wordly" world we live there is no likely way that movie would do as well today....maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe not. But none the less, it was Christ that was glorified in it. How many of those do you see anymore?

Lately I have been really asked to walk through some dark. The awesome part in doing that is that I am walking CLOSER now with God in it, then when times have been good. That's just the way it works I guess? I no less, then anyone want to have a smooth, happy, tear free, stress less life. But actually, it's all of those things that bring you to that place that make you a stronger person/disciple/believer in His goodness and truth. I wanna be all of those things. I wanna be a "Rock Star" in all of those things to God! (My youngest actually walked up to me the other morning after I finished puttin' on my jewelry and "face" and said "mommy.....you are such a rock star!!!!!" sigh....love her! I want to be that way for God though too. Meaning....I just want to shine bright, have all of the attention I get to aim the focus directly back to the deserving One.)

In this life we will have trouble. But take heart, I have over come the world.

We each have much to endure in this life. But He is there. He is loving us through it all. He is giving us strength through it all. Whether we see or feel it or not. I know for myself, I feel so much of a connection with His presence while worshipping. Yes, hands held high singing out to Him. But worship is more then that....we can worship Him in all we say and do. It's a mindset. When I get focused on a creative endeavor, or a small artsy project....when I sit down to do a box...I feel His pleasure, as the movie says. When we swim in the ocean of His love and gifts He has given us....we are worshipping! FYI...worship is supposed to be fun ya know?!!!! It is....He gave us the desires and talents so we would enjoy Him and use it to share with others. I am believing Him that that is how He is going to make it that these girls and I are fead, clothed, and taken care of. His provision, and His alone!!!! So I'm purposely doing alot of creative things as of late. To be in that sweet spot with my Daddy. His presence is the ONLY place I care to be anymore.

It doesn't hurt there.

I wanted to show the clip from the movie that spoke about His pleasure, but I couldn't find one. This one is no less great, however. I am asking God to sear it to my heart tonight. I needed to hear this so very much tonight, Jesus. Thank you. I hope it speaks to you too...enjoy.....

{The Journey}

So I promise to really be better about getting on here more and doing some needed writing. It's so good for my head to write about this Journey I am on. I did have the privilage of contributing on a project, and I wanna share....check it out!

Thank you Lindsay!

{PrAyEr}

So I have been so stretched lately. I miss writing on here....so much. Soon I will. But truly right now I need some specifics in prayer! Please pray that...

• God will show His mighty hand of favor and blessing concerning the "details" of this divorce and any "support" I am to get- favor on my attorney and her wisdom
• That God would direct my steps and use my talents and gifts (ministry, yes, but also doing Faux wall finishes/furniture refinishing for income) to make it that I can make some $ and be independent of any man and rely souly on God as my provision
• That my girls would lean heavily into God as their "daddy" and see Him in all His faithfulness and glory and not blame me for this road-that super naturally God would reveal TRUTH to them in tender doses and they would be cooperative with me in this transition
• I would be filled with FREAKISH hope and faith!!! (That is a continual prayer of mine, actually). I am losing both on occasion....slowly andpetrified of being without all that my God has promised me and my babies....

In short I know Iam in need of prayer.....

I will keep you posted....if you pray, please pray HARD for me and mine!!!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..............

{HiS pReSeNcE}

I know it has been a while since my last post, and several of the last have been quite raw and well....ugly. Life is ugly sometimes though. There is so much to say, good and bad, and so many things that I am sifting through. Frankly lately, I have just felt like running away. Just to run away and take a break from my life. To be ushered off into a place of freedom. So tonight instead of posting about the "good and the bad" of my reality, I am running away....

I think being this my 100th post, it is perfectly appropriate. I have called it:

________________________________________________________________

HIS PRESENCE

I know this girl. She isn't like most. Atleast she didn't used to be. She wasn't always so self conscience. Once she used to actually know who she was. What she wanted. She used to be the girl you wanted to be. There was little to nothing that moved her from her place in life. She didn't really know what she wanted but she was okay with that, and felt freedom in just searching life for what it had to offer her. All it had to offer her! She owned every move she made. There wasn't anything that she wasn't willing to try. And as exciting and free as that sounded, that wasn't necessarily always "a friend" to her. She lived as though there was nothing or no one that could get in her way. Zero consequences in life. No ramifications for choices made. Even the bad ones. She did her thing, and she did it with heart. Passion. She lived to live! It was fun. For a while anyway..... but somewhere along the way her freedom felt more like a cage. It was sudden, really. It crept up on her like a shadow in the night. It was never there before. Where had it come from? She didn't know, she just knew that it was there and it wasn't going away! As if that weren't bad enough, there in that cage with her were things she had never known before either. Discomfort was there. Anxiety was in there. She was surrounded by insecurity and felt almost sat on by despair. There was nothing familiar in this cage with her. They were all new inmates with her and they never left her alone. Heckling her....teasing her, badgering her at every opportunity. She was face to face with loneliness. It felt so dark. So sad....

One unexpected night, something happened. SomeONE happened really. there she was in her cage, sad and alone and so far from the girl she had once been. When in came the presence of someone she had never known! She had always heard of Him. Thought about Him even....but never had she known His actual presence. In His presence she felt none of those things that had haunted her in that cage. Every bit of it had left. She stood there, alone in His presence and felt a newness that she too had never felt. She felt strong, hopeful. She felt peace. She felt like she was fully alive and filled with this sensation of royalty that words really would only weakly describe it's enormity. She felt whole, and she most certainly felt free from her cage. No longer was she to dwell in that darkness. In His presence she was like a wild horse set free to run in the mountains! The girl she had once been, even was a pail comparison to this majestic and light filled wild horse she had now become.

That freedom was intoxicating. It was oxygen to her and she breathed it in fully! The landscape of freedom before her was breathe taking and she felt more at home there then ever any other place. With that beautiful freedom though does come the unpredictable storms. The night air can bring a chill and stir the clouds in such a way that a thunder storm is brewed. Yet never in those storms is she alone. She knows that. The rich royalty blood that flows through her never lets her forget that. She is always watched and waited on, really. That presence she encountered is there. No less now then that first night that she encountered it. He is the light in the lightening. He is the thunder in the thunder. And somehow, in all of the drops of rain and in the gushing winds, He is strengthening His wild horse. Strengthening her to be more like Him. Stronger, more beautiful, and freer then anything she could even imagine.....and when the storm lets up her freedom will be more then she ever conceived. It will be higher, wider and deeper then even the bluest skies!

{FaCeBoOk ThOuGhTs}

So lately, I have been venturing deeply, into the Facebook world. My goodness....so many names I recognize, with faces that have changed so much. Time has changed their eyes, bodies, and expressions. It made me think about mysef. How different do I look to all of them as well? What stands out the most? Because we are around ourselves all the time...so the changes we see are evident and clear to us. But by the same token, because we are around ourselves all the time, I think we miss noticing alot that others spot immediately. I don't so much care about anyone's opinion of me. (Unless of course they wanna tell me how smokin' I'm lookin' especially being that I am a mommy of 3, or tell me how I haven't changed a bit! HA! Then, I'm open to the comments by all means! lol). Truthfully, knowing their opinion of how changed I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually has me far more gripped with interest then anything else. It's what I most care about. Because truely....if they knew me way back when, then it is likely that they would not AT ALL recognize me now! You know why? I hope it's because they see that I am a new creature:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

~2 Corinthians 5:17

Megan is night and day from the one that most of those people knew. God has put me through some serious training courses in a very short period of time! Intense storms, brutal fires...not because He is mad at me, or making me pay for my immense wrong. On the contrary. Instead He has allowed me to go though them so that I would come out refined. As gold....shiny and bright and more brilliant then if everything had been perfect!



In the midst of any of these trials, believe me when I say that doubt whispers it's wicked voice. Often there are questions of faith and suspicion of this "everlasting love" this God has for me? All lies! As a parent, because we love our babies we give them discipline. We allow them to feel their own consequences after poor decisions have been made. We allow them to feel hurt. Pain. Suffering. Not because we like it. But rather because we love them that much!



God is no different. He authored parenting. He authored love.



So tonight, as possible Facebook "ghosts from my past" read this blog, and see that,
yes my life has had struggles.....and that

time has left it's marks on my face and body, and in my eyes...



my marriage is over.



my son was stillborn and lives in Heaven now.



my future is unsure.



and yet, YES I am a Christian.



One that knows that her Abba loves her and is seeking His best for her, inspite of all the dark that she has had to endure.



She has endured none of it alone. None. Never will she ever!



I pray that anyone that reads this blog sees a God that loves them even when it "looks" other wise. That you remember the great price that was paid for you on the cross of Calvary so that HE could share eternity with you. And until then, you could share in the victory and righteousness that He bought for you to wear here. Now.


So I try and remember to reflect on this as I "surf" Facebook. Every statement I make is a witness to those in my past, present, and future. I will still be real and express some of my trials and silly thoughts. That shows off my humaness. But two, I will share my faith and my hope. That shows off my King!

{FaiThFul ChRiStMaS}

Rest assured that I will never cease to be outrageously honest in whatever I write, for as long as I am given a stage to do so. And so, appropriately, to be BRUTALLY honest, this Christmas hurts. The tree lights are on, but I am walking through a great deal of darkness right now. The Christmas music is playing loud and clear, but my heart is broken. The festivities are taking place, but I am wishing I were locked away from everyone and that the holidays were over already. (If you knew me well...you would know that that is a far cry from who I am. I AM the biggest goober for Christmas that there ever was! At least I used to be....)

Absolutely I miss Macsen. He is so worthy of the incredible void I feel, even as I mommy these sweet girls. I look at them and love them so, but missing him is ALWAYS there.

I have a little boy! A boy that I would love to be tackling in the living room. Love to be dressing like a little athlete. Love to be teaching how to treat a lady, from the "yes mam's", to the "thank yous". And so, so much more......

Macsen....I miss you. ***crying*** My life is so different because of you, and your life. So much more pain, and yet, I am so much better for how it has all played out within me. I wanna see your eyes open up and SEE ME! Your mommy! I wish I could hold your handsomeness in my arms, and talk to you. Rock you to sleep......I love doing that. I love you....

The reality is... life is hard. And to be honest and transparent (cause why on earth be anyway else?) here it goes..... my marriage is finally all but over.

Faithful is something that he is incapable of being, apparently. My heart feels like it is in perpetual break-mode. My future is foggy. I am truthfully, scared. Unsure. Hesitant. Ten years of my life, gone. Do I seriously picture myself EVER putting myself "out there" again, and GIVING my heart to someone so transparently as I have in this? I am trembling at the thought of that tonight......

But the thought of not loving someone, not being intimate....

I think that scares me more. I love LOVE. I have only known it twice, and I think I have only really received it once!? From a man I mean......and it wasn't this man or this marriage. How sad is that....

Here's the deal: Life sucks sometimes! (I should create a line of greeting cards with stuff like that in it! LOL Because lets get real.....life isn't all picket fences and candy canes for some of us all the time! Call it: Feelin' Like Crap Cards ...I am atleast laughing at that! Anyone else....?).

I know that I want to go out having been someone that dreamed big, lived large, gave herself up for, believed the best in people and loved unabashedly! I can still do that. I can pick myself up, lean in on my VERY big God, and with the strength, vision, and faith that He gives me....press on! And live to see a happy ending one day.

I know Christmas is much more then being about my comfort and everything being like a Martha Stewart Magazine party. But I do know it is all about me! It's all about YOU too.... and all about the greatest love that has ever, or will ever be shown anyone of us! He gave us His only son. I can imagine, and imagine well, that that was not easy. May we all grasp it, grip it, and glory in it this Christmas....what a price has been paid that we might know you God?! And know you well! That's what you long for....

You .....who are SO FAITHFUL!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23

Jesus....that you would leave Heaven to come to know where I dwell and hurt....what love. But that you would take my wrath....how in the world could I not be smitten with you and all that you are!

YOU ARE LOVE!

I LOVE YOU!