{vIsIoN}

The past few weeks have been rough here. Just when you think the tides of change toward good arise, the enemy rears his ugly head once more. He is just relentless isn't he? But he is no match for the Lord! Because their is restoration and deliverance in my house, satan is stirred and utterly pissed off. Breaking up marriages and families is his delight and aim. He was unsuccessful and he sits by and stews over it. But not so much that he doesn't change tactics and make futile attempts to do more harm. That being said, I again come humbly before anyone reading and ask that you lift us to the alter. That God would empower, strengthen and equip us to put satan under our feet....where he belongs and is destined to be for all eternity. Hallelujah!

I have reflected lately on where God has rescued me from, and I can still sit in awe and amazement. It's so good for us to recall where we were. It makes where we are going so much clearer and easier to strive toward.

I am much simpler then I was. I am far more broken and therefore that much stronger. Stronger because I know that the hand in which I hold, King Jesus' ,is the only hand worth holding, loving, and dieing for! It's because of the cross that we can have REAL hope in Heaven!

Last night I was in church and frankly in a really stale place in my spirit. Relentless attacks from satan, adjustments in my home, and plain mundane stuff had me by the throat. I was at church, but wanted to be anywhere else but there. All of the mundane was responsible for this place I was in, yes. But there was more. I was looking square in the face, that just 22 months ago Macsen had gone ahead home. This grief thing sucks. It comes up to bite you in the butt out of nowhere sometimes. Not that I was ever "over it". You never are... but you get to places of more peace and certainty of their happiness vs. yours, and then things aren't "so bad". But lately my heart has been with Macsen. Long, far away from these early morning trips to take my girls to school, or the nights on the floor playing games....I have been with Macsen in my head and heart. So the other night at church I just was so sick and tired of Megan and her whiny attitude that I had to just get before God and tell Him I love Him and worship Him knowing it was the very thing my little guy was doing and knowing that getting my eyes on Him were nothing but good for me! So as I dove in head first to worship, it was no time at all that I was lost in it. Lost and suddenly had a very clear vision in my mind:

Jesus standing before me, and in His arms He held a sweet little man. He looked nearly 2. Very alive. Very sweet and happy. Very boy : ). They both stood before me waving, and saying "Hello!", as they gestured "hello" with their hands. You know how much more animated and interactive you are when you are with small children...you motion the way you hope them to copy you?! In that moment I was being given a peace shower . Covered from head to toe with nothing but Him, His promises, and His encouragement to keep, keepin' on!

Shortly later I was taking my very active 6 year old to the restroom. She is very independent, of course, and asked that I just wait for her in the lobby. I reluctantly did and leaned up against the back wall to be in clear view for her while still not "hovering" over her. Waiting several feet away was a young mom that I had been acquainted with years ago. She and I were pregnant together and she was due shortly after Macsen was "due". Being that Macsen was stillborn just one week from his due date, you can imaging the relative closeness in age that these 2 babies would have been in. She ended up having a boy, and he is very healthy and strong. So as she and her little guy stood there, of course I see him and think (you can't help to really) of the size that Macsen would be now. Different looking yes, but so similar in size and development. I told myself not to look at him, as I knew it would be hard...but just as I had that thought I looked anyway. Just as I did, he and his mom were parting ways with someone they knew. And like all little one's he was very happy to display his involvement in the exit, even if he didn't fully grip what that was. He stood strong on his own, wearing "all boy" clothes, and waved biggly, and suredly and said loudly "hi"! So cute...they were leaving and he was saying hi?! (At least that was what I heard.) I quickly spotted my Mia, and off we went to her class. The quicker I get away, the better, I thought.

About an hour later I was in my bible study class, engulfed in the teaching and very much with my head on the Kingdom. It was in that moment that the Holy Spirit made the connection in my head, heart, and spirit:

Macsen is happy. He is with me! He is waiting to see you,

but encouraging you and cheering you on from on high!

Whoa! It was really all I could do to not break out in tears...but why? Really?

He is F I N E!

And eager to see me thrive and persevere for the glory of our King!

To anyone needing encouragement: this vision is for you too! I am not the only one with a voice on high praying for me! We all have one. Little or big, old, or young....Jesus is there, and He alone is seeking the Father for favor for me and for YOU! Remember that ....

Remember: HOLD FAST... help is on the way!

{wOrShIp}

Today I am feeling very led to extend encouragement to someone reading. I know what it is like to still have days where pain rears it's ugly head and your mind can go to a place of real despair and sorrow. I actually just had a couple of those days this last week. Satan is relentless. But he isn't as relentless as our God!!! Gosh...He loves you so much!

There has not ever been a day that goes by that I do not think of my baby boy. There has yet to be a day that I do not miss him. There are very often thoughts that take me to the what if's. But... remembering where he is brings my heart joy. Remembering who he is with brings my heart peace. To know that these little ones that we love so much are being cared for by the very One that knit them in our womb and is the ONLY possible One that could love them even more then we do- what a balm to my broken heart that is. I pray it is for you too.

I can't remember if I shared the story of the morning I heard God speak so clearly into my heart or not. But I will share it again.

One morning very soon after Macsen went Home, I was in my bedroom folding laundry. (Not my all time favorite domestic chore mind you. But I try to do it with a grateful heart.

\Bahumbug. LOL)

I was folding the clothes and my head and heart were not there, they were with Macsen...or desperately trying to be, anyhow. I began to cry uncontrollable recalling the in fathomable hurt and trauma I had just endured. There are no words. Stillbirth. I cried out to God,"I don't want to do this anymore! I just want to be with Macsen, God! I want to be doing what he is doing!" As clearly as I have ever "heard" God speak to me He said without hesitation, "He is worshipping me." My heart was pounding out of my chest as I received the words that I reflect on now more then any other I have ever heard. If that is what he is doing, I thought....I want to be doing that.

I want to encourage us ALL today to do what I am very sure our sweet little ones are doing!

They are worshipping. They are a part of a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1) that are in paradise rooting for us to keep pressing on toward the goal!

Let's resolve today to worship! Turn up the music loud, sing with all of our hearts, and make satan shut his mouth as we praise the God that loves us so much that He actually died for us!

I can close my eyes and see my boy now!

Sing baby, sing!!!!!!! Until we meet again...I love you!

{PiEcEs Of My MiNd}

Every once in a while I come across a blog that mentions something about the fact that their current post is somewhat "random". Many thoughts tied together with little to no rhythm or flow. That would most definitely be what this is. Or what I call, Pieces of my mind.

I have a lot in my head and heart that I have been wanting to put down "on paper". You know originally this blog started out as my "journal". Somewhere along the way it became more. More in a good way. Good because of all the incredible people I have "met", encouraging stories I have read, and the unmistakable kinship I now have with so many whom also know what it feels like to have a little one living in Heaven. And the goodness and grace that can come from it.

There has been so much I have been meditating on throughout the last several months. It was about the time I got my hands on Crazy Love by Francis Chan. There are so many practical challenges threaded throughout the whole book. And the amazing thing is how his leading from Holy Spirit presents it in a way that is challenging, not condemning. I am so sick of books that go something like this: God is good. You are bad. Try harder!

WHAT? ICK!

Francis really puts it bluntly and stirred in me so very much. Including how even the stuff we put before our eyes (i.e. the computer) are forming our thinking in more ways then we fully recognize. Or rather creating us to possibly be lukewarm Christians. He challenges how ridiculously extravagantly it is that we are living in our $300. jeans, in a 3400 square foot homes for 3 people while many are in need of housing. He points out to us that just because lets say we are married to a really looked upto figure in the Christian community, or that because we have a really poetic way of "sounding" so spiritual that somehow that is being a desciple?! On and on and on He goes. It has caused me to pause and really step out of myself to look at who it I am really being. Interesting how we think nothing bad about being a fanatic for things like sports, clothes, tv shows, but we don't dare being fanatical about Jesus! (He only DIED for us! ***sarcasm***) Which brings me to the next "random" thing I have been thinking about.

Do I want to be on the computer for hours on end when the Lord comes back? Now, don't misunderstand....I realize that being on the computer is a very real part of many of our ministries, mine included. We've likely all been there- reading emails, writing posts, editing pictures, twittering unimportant thoughts? Huh...what are we doing? Dumb! But as I have been on here, teaching myself how to do ALL of it, I often see how much more is out there to learn. It's like I go to some blogs and I see all these gadgets and gizmo's, tricks and trinkets and I can see beyond them and recognize just how much time, effort, and did I mention TIME goes into getting all of that accomplished! Think about how much time is going into it all. Again...I love this resource but it is so easily the very thing that the enemy can turn to make an idol in our lives and hearts! Let me be very clear....being someone that has first hand felt the effects of what coming to very near divorce can do to you, TIME is something that many marriages and families are lacking. And it is something we do NOT have endless supplies of. It IS the most precious thing we have here on earth. So I go to these sites and one of two things has to be happening. Either spouses and children are missing out on someone or someone is staying up longer and spending more time doing "computer stuff" then likely should. (OUCH. Did I just say that?!)

It can become an idol though. Your ministry can become an idol! Really anything that we spend more time on that isn't worshipping, learning about, or edifying with God at the center=IDOL! I was at at bible study a few weeks ago, and one of the gals was candidly speaking about, when in the world did we think it made sense for everyone to have their own blog? Who cares? She went onto say, Megan...I can see why someone would go to yours because you keep it about encouragement, challenges, and obviously helping people with the boxes...But I knew better- in that moment to check my pride, and ask God to search my heart to see to it that God and God's people were to be the absolute heartbeat of why I do what I do. It can't be about me. Like she said so appropriately, Who cares?

I want Jesus to be on the throne of my heart. Not my blog. Not this ministry. God has given me the ministry, and it requires a great deal of time and thoughtfulness. I really aim to make all of that a time of worship. After all, the talents and abilities I have are God given anyhow, and it is a very organic overflow for me to make it part of my worship to Him, to use them.

So in segwaying into my next thought, in an effort to not make this blog or ministry an idol I have been led to edit my blog a bit. Something that has made me personally sense this as being more a popularity contest then a stage for me to simply share my testimony and my call to help others is the "followers" gadget. Now it would be really typical for some to have the thought, "well....she didn't have hardly any followers anyhow, (in terms of numbers)so of course she could say this." As true as that may be, I have 23 "followers" versus hundreds or thousands...I'm just frankly not seeing any spiritual reason to keep it there?! I am not doing this for popularity or a "following". I choose to allow the Holy Spirit to be behind ALL the tuggings in hearts to read this blog, pray for this ministry, and "follow" this journey I and my family are on called: life. I do pray this is not translating as judgement onto anyone else in favor of the "following" gadget, it so is not. This is what God has asked me to obey Him in doing. That gadget had a way of stroking pride within me. I want nothing to do with that.

The Greatest Blessing is a blessing to me beyond words. I want Jesus to get all the glory and fame from it that is possible! The very fact that I am being used in any capacity to be His hands and feet is humbling beyond appropriate words. He has taken the ashes and made something beautiful. He has redeemed my sons death and made it's sting fade.

I do long for this ministry to grow, and to be something that you will share with others that are being ushered down this dark and difficult road of mourning a baby. I pray each box is a great piece of light and salt to put into some very hurting hands.

That being said, I am excited to announce that I am sending a proposal to Living Proof Ministries_Beth Moore to see about getting then to team up with me. I have had many suggest putting a Holy Bible within the box, and to be perfectly honest I sort of cringed. Not because I don't believe that in this time of such pain many wouldn't get much from the truth. Obviously it would. But a Bible could be intimidating to someone not familiar with it at all. However, Beth wrote a book that I adore and feel strongly led to have in the box. It's called Praying God's Word Day by Day. Each entry is short, powerful and laced with real testimony of one that has lived without God and knows full well what a saving grace it is to know Him, love Him, and follow Him. Even when times are difficult. I spoke with one of Beth's assistants there at Living Proof and she thought it sounded like such a unique ministry, and one that they would most definitely desire to be a part of! (Excuse me while I jump up and down really quick!!!!!! I am a bit of a fan of Beth! She has been anointed to teach God's word and help many to know Him in a real way like no one I have ever heard! There are few that I feel can relate to the depth of pit God rescued me from like Beth Moore. I believe she most definately can relate!) So I do ask that you be in prayer with me, for God's favor and blessing that this would work out and that each box would be blessed to house a copy for all of it's recipients. It will be an addition I am most honored to give!

I am also seeking having something elegant and pampering in the bubble bath/lotion realm to add to the boxes. If anyone reading knows of a vendor that might be interested in teaming with me to help get something like that available to me to put in the boxes, I would be most grateful. Just email me the info at megan106@msn.com . And please keep your testimony emails coming in for me as well. Anyone that has had a box sent to them, or has been touched by The Greatest blessing in some way. I am going to get this blog up and running all the title bars seen up above. I am just trying to steward my time right. I know you understand . ; )

I also want to thank, Sue from My Forever Child for donating her largest quantity to date of lapel pins and coupons for any ministry! She is so generous and very gifted. I have seen how touched families are at these precious gems and I am blessed to continue to offer them. It was only a few weeks after my Macsen went Home that I came across her site and bought for myself something very dear to me that I wear every single day. A dog tag with Macsen Danforth etched onto it just below his hand print etching. His right hand....the one I picture holding Jesus'.

So I leave you with a quote my good friend put up on her Face Book the other day:

I am so grateful to God for the incredible gift of free will. Let's use it wisely....