Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
For several years now I have been feeling like a real loser. God....you have given me this gift. This gift to make things pretty, and cozy, comforting and warm, and from what I have been told of others, welcoming. But how, how on earth can I be used by you with those gifts? My home is lovely and it is a blessing to make it such for my family?!Ok....so I could host a bible study or something, but is that all? I want to do more. Use me God.
And then my prayer was answered,and my life was forever changed. Little did I know that in saying that prayer, in the very answering of it was needing to take place, the death of my one and only boy. His ways aren't our ways, are they? There is no way you can know what God is going to do, or planning to.
So these boxes are His plan. He is using these gifts of mine that He had planned on using, long before the notion of losing my baby had ever even touched my thoughts.
Make no mistake, dear one, He has a plan for you as well. I can not explain how I knew this was what I was to do. I think the most obvious indicator was that it made little sense to those around me. How can you want to reach out so soon?What is making you want to tread through the reminder of it? It really was when everyone thought I was a bit "off" that I was beginning to see that I was "alot" on the right track.
The Greatest Blessing's first fundraiser and auction is coming up this next Friday. I am extremely excited to see how it unfolds, and to see all that God does. I have not done anything like this before in my life! I mean...I can throw a mean 6 year old Princess Pony Birthday Party, but this is a few degrees hotter then that! Somehow though, God has given me a vision, a plan, and intensely generous people that have donated and are helping behind the scenes, but I still need your prayers, people of God. He is listening, and He loves to see us flourish when our aim is to help others, share our testimony, and place Him on His rightful throne! That is all I am trying to do here. I remember lying in my hospital bed, a day or so after my Macsen went to live in Heaven, and saying, "the only way that going through this pain will be worth going through is to witness FREAKISH glorification of King Jesus!"
Every dollar raised will enable this ministry to continue. I have been paying for the boxes from my own pocket, and have done it with pure joy. But, my life is changing, my home is changing, and God is doing a work in the midst of it, despite how much hurt and darkness seem to be surrounding me. Besides, it is not for me to hoard all of the joy in helping theses hurting hearts....it needs to be shared! So much this life hands us to wade through seems impossible to defeat at one time or another. But He will cause His perfect plan to work out and do exceedingly and abundantly more then we can think or imagine!
By the way...public speaking is certainly not my most loved and adored pass time, but I have so much I want to convey, and I need God to speak it all through me. (Add that to your prayers PLEASE.)
If you are able, near, available, I hope to see you at the auction. It can't happen without the people! Together as the body of Christ, we can share with the grieving the Hope we have in a God that has conquered death and the grave! Praise you Jesus!
You are KING!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I do not always get to hand deliver these boxes. I would if I could, for every single one! But details here and there prevent from it, and the details that I can work around, or by God's grace get beyond with His help, I will diligently cooperate where needed to get past them. There has, however, been a hand full of times that I have been so blessed to walk in, see the faces that are hurting, hold their hand, pray with them, just be in the room with them. And to be able to whisper to them, "I know. I know."
The first time I was called by the hospital here, where my sweet boy, Macsen was actually delivered, I was speechless. I literally felt electric. Even now, when I here of a baby going Home, I go into this electric prayer-mode. I am immediately reminded, in a gentle way, of the heartache, as if it were all so fresh again. I am very able to identify with what they are feeling and thinking. I know usually the sex of the baby, and so I am able to pray for her or his mommy, daddy, and other family members.
On the way to the hospital, that first time, my prayer was that God would be tangible, and palatable. That He would speak through me and to them. As I arrived to the door, a simple deep breathe was taken, and then to the SWOOSH of the heavy, big hospital room door.
I have never felt what came next. (Not that feeling electric and being in this prayer-chant-mode was typical of me, by any means. :) Wow do I sound weird!) As each foot touched the ground I felt almost the nod of God Himself upon me. Like I was actually doing, finally, what His will for me, and my life was all along! It was in that instant that I began to have a new found thankfulness for where I was. It sounds wrong to say that you are thankful that your child has died, and I so don't mean that. I guess it was more, a thankfulness that HE had redeemed it! He had been good on His word.....the very word that is inscribed on my son's pewter football urn where his tiny ashes now lay:
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
My mothering him looks different here, is all. I mother him and am a good example to him all the time. How? You might ask...I'll explain in a few....
I was talking with a friend tonight and God spoke into my heart as I was talking to her (hi Lisa! Also a precious mom walking this unsure journey. Good thing we are holding Jesus' hand, huh?!!!!) . He reminded me that any mommy that was quickly placed into a dangerous situation, where either you or your child were in danger, without thinking, mommy will put herself in the direct path of harm, over her child. We have to remember when Satan tries to cage us in our broken heart,in our pity party, that we are hurting, yes, but our children are not. And they never will. Please see the gift in that, beloved. We are walking a very painful journey, but at the expense that our little one is spared more then we can even fathom at this stage in our life. After all, where we are is certainly not the end of our sufferings. That ends only when we reach our real Home. God desires no one to hurt and feel pain. He doesn't get some thrill or joy from it. But it is indeed part of this fallen world we are passing through, and He is going to make the pain not at all be in vein! He is using it to conform us into His likeness. It's so much deeper, and so much heavier then I can understand in my un-complex mind. But I believe it in my heart.
He loves you. He loves me. There is going to be storms. Some raging and crashing so loud that all we can seem to hear is the fear in it. The uncertainty in it. That is where the renewing of our minds will be most powerfully effective. Having our house built on a Rock. Sound familiar? Knowing His word, and His voice is going to mute the thunder and waves and still the fear inside of us. It is the ONLY thing! So I am excited and eager to be more diligent about memorizing His "love letter" to us.
My dear friend, Lynn and I are getting together once a week to "scrap" words from the bible that we each have picked out that "sing" to us. So you "homework" it and see what verse is most pulling at your heart. Then we dress it up, with paper, fancy scrapbooking do-da's (this is where Lynn's scrapbooking expertise and there-in vocabulary would really come in handy and help me to not look like such a yahoo! : ) Thank you very much!) Memorizing scripture doesn't need to feel like you are becoming a Monk or a Nun. You are not signing your life away. You will gain life from it dear one!
It is amazing to think, that my sweet 6 year old Mia has memorized more scripture in her little life then I have known in all of mine. When I grow up....I want to be like Mia! SIGH. Sharp in His word, knowledgeable of it's location in the bible, and able to recite at a moments notice. Not to be showy and prideful by any means, but rather due to the fact that I have had a crash course in the last few years as to just how fallen this place is. How strong the waves in the storm can be. And how desperately I need this mind 'o mine renewed!
I have said it before, I will say it again: I don't like it here at all! BUT....I have a job to do while here! So I press on.....
So...back to "How do you mother a baby that is not of this world anymore? A baby that lives in Heaven? How are you a good example" I would just love to tell you! I am SO a work in progress in this, please bear in mind. But God is faithful. He loves children and family, and He wants to reach down from Heaven and show me the way to live here, as though I am living There! So each day I trust He will show me how to do some of the things on this list that I currently struggle with. And He will bless me and "pat me on the back" with things that I am already doing! Let's all step out in faith and do them! I Know that as you read through them, that you will find that there is nothing there that will not bless, behoove, encourage and edify you today, tomorrow, the next day! We all need more of that! Right?
- Spending time in God's word. The One that holds my baby now, is able to speak directly to me. While holding my little man. (the visual is a killer!)
- Prayer. If he is now with God, in His very presence, it makes sense that my prayers are being heard by a pair of very small, very cute little ears.(Hi Macsen! Mommy loves you!)
- Tending to my temple. If God lives within my temple, then taking extra good care of it is no less an act of worship. What is my son doing right now? Worshipping God! Move over Mercy Me! NOT
- Fellowshipping with other believers. These are people that we will be with for all of eternity! Why on earth would we not want to know them, mingle with them, and celebrate them? Macsen is in the presence of saints too! Saints...please picture that in your minds eye. It's all I can do to not fall down on my face right now!
- Making the most of the time I have been given here on earth. God has filled each of us with talents, gifts, interests, ideas, and personalities to be used of Him! Letting Him use us, and dieing to self? What a good example that is to your children. Children here! Children there!
- Loving my family. Being all that I can be to his sisters. All that I can, considering all the other seas I am swimming right now. Showing them love. Joy. Acceptance. Peace. Wisdom. Truth. Celebrating their uniqueness and reminding them OFTEN that they are loved by a God that is perfect, and doesn't make mistakes like mommy's and daddy's. He is always there! Always true! (Then I say.....one day, your baby brother will tell you all about HIM!)
Press on dear one! There is absolute HOPE IN HEAVEN! MAKE IT, AND IT'S KING YOUR OBSESSION!!!!!! Something tells me, WE WILL NEVER REGRET IT!
Monday, January 5, 2009
So many of you have sent me emails of encouragement, ideas, and promises of prayer. I thank you for all of it! It is an odd thing to have this group of people, of whom which you have never heard their voice or seen them face to face, yet you call them "friends". I for one have been immensely blessed by this blog world. To know that I am walking this journey with others brings me real comfort. I give a huge "blog hug" to you all.
For those that are new, and those not so new, let me shed some light on where I sit. This is not a topic I have posted...I will explain why in a bit.
When someone is faced with tragedy and loss, like many of us have been, in the time following it ones true character and beliefs comes forth. My husband had horded intense doubt about this marriage, and shaky trust in God, to say the least. Six months after Macsen, my son, went Home, my husband left. Truth be told it was advised by his counselor that he do so. "You are making the house toxic", his counselor said. And although the advice at the time made me scratch my head with scripturalism (is that a word? It is now!), the house is no longer toxic! It's as though a dark cloud of negativity has been lifted. The sun can finally shine inside! In my girls, and in me! Hallelujah, in me! Please understand, I am not someone that because he was moody and not a bed of roses to live with, that there in lies reason to end things. The level of UGLY that took place in my marriage and outside my marriage is monstrous. The 3-A's" took place: Adultery. Abandonment. Abuse. Seriously...enough said!
The seeming injustice in all of this is that I am now left to pick up alot of pieces. Alot of pieces that are there- not because of me! Such is life. God will have His day dealing with all the UGLY this world dishes our way! That in and of itself brings some peace. I haven't blogged this, or anything else UGLY, really because, WHY? Does Satan need anymore stage then he already has? Do we need to highlight his work? Think upon it, meditate on it? Is'nt the fact that he is the author of death enough? It is for me. He has stolen enough from me! This is a place that I like to express hope, promises and future! No UGLY here. (Asthetically or spiritually, I hope! : / )
So....here I sit with my 2 sweet girls. No job. ALOT of bills and an uncertain future of raising them as a single women. Like I said, you all sent many great ideas about what I could do to make money and not have to put my girls in daycare. I do have this ministry that I feel so strongly about. It is what I dream to be doing unabashedly, and as a means of our livelihood one day in my future. But until such time, I mentioned starting my own business. An Etsybusiness that is. I am going to do boxes, but ones that are meant for living babies. Ones with a real happy and promising feel. Frankly, I can't imagine a cooler baby shower gift to bring an expectant mother, other then a memory box to fill with all the things that you can't put on a scrapbooking page!!!! So....details to come.
The store. The "pieces". The adventure.
I utterly covet your prayers, and am eager to hear things from you. Ideas of how to advance it. Promote it. What you know of Etsy, or what you have heard. I was on there alot last night and have found it to be a real "culture" almost. One that I need to get educated on. I'm just a girl that wants to live the dream. Do what I love, make a decent living at it, care for my own children, and
finally have my abilities be used of God in a way that blesses others and causes them to appreciate this thing we've been given. life!
(And if their path crosses mine, somehow, with The Greatest Blessing memory boxes, then to have them embrace this thing called eternal life!)
God...You are my Provider! Do Your thing!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
There is a great deal about my sweet little man, Macsen going Home that I will not fully grasp until I stand before the Lord Jesus. But when that little boy went UP to Heaven, something came DOWN as well. And it nestled itself in my heart. It looks different to me almost every day. Boldness. Uniqueness. Vision. Hope.Braveness. Please don't misunderstand me. NONE OF IT IS FROM ME. I am not ignorant enough to claim any of it as my own. God has given it, and I pray He doesn't take it away.
I am in need, dear friends. I am facing a life of raising 2 amazingly gorgeous, bright, funny, and adventurous girls, all alone. In doing that, I, a stay home mom since my first came into this world, is faced with providing for the three of us. I do not have a college education. My work experience is sporadic, and certainly not complimentary of this hurting economy. And the thought of putting my babies in daycare makes me want to just cry. (Daycare is something each of us choose for our own families. Sometimes it is unavoidable. For some it just fits. Nobody is right, or wrong in that choice. But my heart is broken, yet again, with the idea for my children.)
Along with this amazing ministry of memory boxes for bereaving families, that God has so graciously given me, I am looking to start my own business. I know what your thinking. are you crazy? And I think the answer is indeed,yes. Yes I am. But being here with them.....even if I have 5 minutes to play with them, is very important to me.
I want to mommy them.
I want to provide for us.
I want to use what God has given me.
So my plea is this: As God brings me to your mind, pray that His mighty hand of blessing, prosperity, and abundance be upon me and all these visions and dreams. There is so much injustice and unfairness that is going down right now in my life. Those things are for Him to tend to.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
This was a real find....I only wish I had the before. There was a crazy, primary colored clown on the front. (Maizy is scared of clowns. ALL OF THEM) So, a little paint here, a little decoupage there, and there you go. If you can't read it, it says...
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU JUST BELIEVE
we currently have zero puppets, but, at 3 and 6, they are very able to IMAGINE with their stuffed animals, and make their own at craft time! (let's see a Wii do that, huh?)
Thank God for your gifts today.
He is worthy of all praise. Where would we be without Him.