Wednesday, December 30, 2009

{FaCeBoOk ThOuGhTs}

So lately, I have been venturing deeply, into the Facebook world. My many names I recognize, with faces that have changed so much. Time has changed their eyes, bodies, and expressions. It made me think about mysef. How different do I look to all of them as well? What stands out the most? Because we are around ourselves all the the changes we see are evident and clear to us. But by the same token, because we are around ourselves all the time, I think we miss noticing alot that others spot immediately. I don't so much care about anyone's opinion of me. (Unless of course they wanna tell me how smokin' I'm lookin' especially being that I am a mommy of 3, or tell me how I haven't changed a bit! HA! Then, I'm open to the comments by all means! lol). Truthfully, knowing their opinion of how changed I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually has me far more gripped with interest then anything else. It's what I most care about. Because truely....if they knew me way back when, then it is likely that they would not AT ALL recognize me now! You know why? I hope it's because they see that I am a new creature:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

~2 Corinthians 5:17

Megan is night and day from the one that most of those people knew. God has put me through some serious training courses in a very short period of time! Intense storms, brutal fires...not because He is mad at me, or making me pay for my immense wrong. On the contrary. Instead He has allowed me to go though them so that I would come out refined. As gold....shiny and bright and more brilliant then if everything had been perfect!

In the midst of any of these trials, believe me when I say that doubt whispers it's wicked voice. Often there are questions of faith and suspicion of this "everlasting love" this God has for me? All lies! As a parent, because we love our babies we give them discipline. We allow them to feel their own consequences after poor decisions have been made. We allow them to feel hurt. Pain. Suffering. Not because we like it. But rather because we love them that much!

God is no different. He authored parenting. He authored love.

So tonight, as possible Facebook "ghosts from my past" read this blog, and see that,
yes my life has had struggles.....and that

time has left it's marks on my face and body, and in my eyes...

my marriage is over.

my son was stillborn and lives in Heaven now.

my future is unsure.

and yet, YES I am a Christian.

One that knows that her Abba loves her and is seeking His best for her, inspite of all the dark that she has had to endure.

She has endured none of it alone. None. Never will she ever!

I pray that anyone that reads this blog sees a God that loves them even when it "looks" other wise. That you remember the great price that was paid for you on the cross of Calvary so that HE could share eternity with you. And until then, you could share in the victory and righteousness that He bought for you to wear here. Now.

So I try and remember to reflect on this as I "surf" Facebook. Every statement I make is a witness to those in my past, present, and future. I will still be real and express some of my trials and silly thoughts. That shows off my humaness. But two, I will share my faith and my hope. That shows off my King!

Monday, December 21, 2009

{FaiThFul ChRiStMaS}

Rest assured that I will never cease to be outrageously honest in whatever I write, for as long as I am given a stage to do so. And so, appropriately, to be BRUTALLY honest, this Christmas hurts. The tree lights are on, but I am walking through a great deal of darkness right now. The Christmas music is playing loud and clear, but my heart is broken. The festivities are taking place, but I am wishing I were locked away from everyone and that the holidays were over already. (If you knew me would know that that is a far cry from who I am. I AM the biggest goober for Christmas that there ever was! At least I used to be....)

Absolutely I miss Macsen. He is so worthy of the incredible void I feel, even as I mommy these sweet girls. I look at them and love them so, but missing him is ALWAYS there.
I have a little boy! A boy that I would love to be tackling in the living room. Love to be dressing like a little athlete. Love to be teaching how to treat a lady, from the "yes mam's", to the "thank yous". And so, so much more......

Macsen....I miss you. ***crying*** My life is so different because of you, and your life. So much more pain, and yet, I am so much better for how it has all played out within me. I wanna see your eyes open up and SEE ME! Your mommy! I wish I could hold your handsomeness in my arms, and talk to you. Rock you to sleep......I love doing that. I love you....

The reality is... life is hard. And to be honest and transparent (cause why on earth be anyway else?) here it goes..... my marriage is finally all but over.
Faithful is something that he is incapable of being, apparently. My heart feels like it is in perpetual break-mode. My future is foggy. I am truthfully, scared. Unsure. Hesitant. Ten years of my life, gone. Do I seriously picture myself EVER putting myself "out there" again, and GIVING my heart to someone so transparently as I have in this? I am trembling at the thought of that tonight......

But the thought of not loving someone, not being intimate....

I think that scares me more. I love LOVE. I have only known it twice, and I think I have only really received it once!? From a man I mean......and it wasn't this man or this marriage. How sad is that....

Here's the deal: Life sucks sometimes! (I should create a line of greeting cards with stuff like that in it! LOL Because lets get isn't all picket fences and candy canes for some of us all the time! Call it: Feelin' Like Crap Cards ...I am atleast laughing at that! Anyone else....?).

I know that I want to go out having been someone that dreamed big, lived large, gave herself up for, believed the best in people and loved unabashedly! I can still do that. I can pick myself up, lean in on my VERY big God, and with the strength, vision, and faith that He gives on! And live to see a happy ending one day.

I know Christmas is much more then being about my comfort and everything being like a Martha Stewart Magazine party. But I do know it is all about me! It's all about YOU too.... and all about the greatest love that has ever, or will ever be shown anyone of us! He gave us His only son. I can imagine, and imagine well, that that was not easy. May we all grasp it, grip it, and glory in it this Christmas....what a price has been paid that we might know you God?! And know you well! That's what you long for....

You .....who are SO FAITHFUL!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23
Jesus....that you would leave Heaven to come to know where I dwell and hurt....what love. But that you would take my in the world could I not be smitten with you and all that you are!

Monday, December 14, 2009

{OnE DaY}

Two short years ago tonight, my sweet little man, Macsen, went Home to be with Jesus.

It was busy day. I had a very head-strong little girl to run to and fro at school. Another lover littler girl to tote around as we did some much needed Christmas shopping. All of which, mind you- I was doing while being A HOUSE! I (partly) kid about the fact that that little boy had such an appetite. I distinctly remember one night shortly before "tonight", I had made Maizy's favorite, spaghetti with turkey meat sauce. It is typical on such a night, for her to go back for huge seconds, and the whole family really would go on and on about it! So you might imagine it shocking and humorous to watch me, (looking like a house, remember....I gained almost 60 pounds with him. I know- stop hyperventilating) go back for FOURTHS! We didn't want to know the sex of the baby, but that should have been a slam dunk clue,eh?! the boy, was all boy!

Well tonight, 2 years ago, I was on my kitchen floor, practically having to do yoga just to wrap the simplest of gifts. It was miserable, and I voiced it loud, and often. Less then 24 hours later, however, I was wishing/praying/pleading/begging to be that miserable again! After all, it was a far cry from what my heart was currently enduring and would endure in the days and weeks and months, and I see now, years after....

All I know to say tonight is this: having a child go before you......royally sucks! Hate it...with every fiber of who I am.

My comfort?

He is in PARADISE.

Luke 23:42-43 Then he said, : Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom".

Jesus answered him and said, "I tell you there truth, TODAY you will be with me in paradise".

He is with his CREATOR.

Colossians 2:5 For though I am absent in body, yet I am with you in spirit, rejoicing to see your good order and the firmness of your faith in Christ.

I will be with him ONE DAY.

2 Timothy 4:18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

It's just hard not wanting that ONE DAY to be today......

*Tonight, I post also, the first 7 songs on my playlist (below) that "sing" most to me in this sea of grieving my only boy. I hope you will take time to stop. Listen. Hear the words of each...they are so good, and better convey my heart and where I am, want to be, and will be One Day with all of this....... The first song is most definately the ministry "theme" song. I knew it the second I heard it, which was just 2 weeks after "tonight".

Tomorrow I actually held him. A dream really. I was like a 3 year old little girl. Suddenly I realized I have NOTHING in my control. It sealed the deal for my faith, really though. Ironic, yes! I ask that you PLEASE pray for me. I will not be posting for a bit as to just absorb all of this crap, called my life. I know I am not alone...I am being carried! Thank you.....

Macsen, I SO love you! My handsome, bruiser boy! I will see you soon!

Happy 2nd birthday!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

{mInIsTrY oF tHe MoNtH}

My sweet Macsen went Home this month just 2 short years ago. So it is with tears in my eyes, that I reflect back on ALL that God has done since then. And to see all the beauty He has brought from my ashes.....

It is a real honor and pleasure for me to share with you, my friend, the Duet Diva. She is an amazingly gifted photographer, writer, friend, and disciple of Christ. She is full of life and the celebration of it! So you can imagine my excitement when she asked if she could put
The Greatest Blessing up as her "Ministry of the Month". Each month she highlights a ministry and shares it with her "blog world" as a way of getting the word out there.

The link to her announcement is here at, When a Duet Becomes a Trio Blog .
(See also the 'I Am a Faithful' button to direct left.)

In light of recent events, and in the anniversary month of my little mans exodus Home, this has blessed my socks off! Thank you Duet Diva!