Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Tonight, as I sit to type, so very many thoughts flood my mind.

And many emotions rush my heart.

2008.....gone forever.

How on earth did I make it through?

What could possibly happen in 2009?

My once extreme optimistic heart is a bit reluctant to ponder it, to be perfectly honest. This year represents a great deal of loss for me. And even more heartache. And certainly it's share of spiritual struggles.I've decided that I really don't like it down here. But I have also decided to remain optimistic. God is in control. He loves me. He loves you. He knows BEST! So I am believing...

2009 is going to be one of blessing.
One of joy.
One of victory.
One of peace.
One of excitement.
One of love.
One of solidity.
One of laughter.
One of energy and health.
One of financial break though and independence.
One of anointing.
One of spiritual strength.
One of wisdom.
One of faithfulness.
One of discernment.
One of abundance.
One of fruitfulness.
One of sharing HIM like never before.
One of being used of God to bring Him much glory!

Sounds like a good year to me. What do you think?

Dear 2008,
Good bye to you. Good bye to all the burdens, heartbreak and evil you brought this way. Good bye to the pain and sorrow. Good bye to the deceit, unfaithfulness and betrayal. Good bye to you........

"Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children."
Genesis 50:19b-21
Thank you God. I needed to hear that tonight! I hope you did too.
Peace be with you in 2009!

Friday, December 26, 2008

{GoD sHoWeD uP}

We did it! You did it, and I did it. We made it through all of Christmas. Some moments harder then others, some more tearful then the few before. Parts of the build up where the only thing that was felt was the void of the little person or persons we wanted to be joining in on all the fun. Even if their only contribution would have been cooing and needing a diaper change. : ) It was none the less missed.

To be honest, Christmas, and the time leading up to it felt, for the most part, very orchestrated and contrived. But I was in no way about to let ME take over and ruin this holiday for my ladies, though. That is precisely what Satan wants. This is NOT about ME. Christmas is such a spring board of faith in the hearts of little people. I recall being small and feeling just how very much God's love was for me at Christmas. I wanted to give that to my babies. I knew how much they were watching me, watching how I would react because of Macsen not being here. They are so much smarter and attentive then we give them credit for! So we did alot of talking about the celebration for Jesus' birth that was taking place in Heaven. The one their baby brother was a part of. It was healing, exciting and peaceful.

I had to share my girls with my husband, whom which, most of you may not know I am separated from. He would not tell you that his leaving us was due to Macsen's exodus Home, but it is more ways then we will ever wrap our minds around, I am sure! So...faced with a NEW Christmas in more ways then just being with out my baby boy, GOD SHOWED UP ! The girls and I shared a Christmas Eve full of lots of food, goofing off, and talking about the Lord's precious birth. Then, I was up until midnight getting food prepped, toys set up, and toys "ready". ( I did the majority of my shopping this year at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army. So fun! You never know what your going to get, but it all needs some love and a touch of creativity! And it isn't the same sting on the pocket book, eh?! ) * Heads up: in coming posts all the neat blessings for Christmas God brought me to for my adorable girls! It really kind of puts you in a place of His guidance as to what you'll get for those you love. The thrill of the hunt with a spiritual twist! RUSH!

God is good! I so want to hear about how God comforted you as you faced this holiday. The God that parted the Red Sea, rose the dead and healed the sick is the same God today. He loves you, and knows your pain, void, and need like no one person ever could.

Trust Him. Be encouraged. He is caring for those we miss and feel such heartache for. Bask in that, and use the comforting He is giving to you to help others that don't know....HIM!
{Peace be with you!}

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

{bIg SiStErS)

Jesus' birthday is anything but typical, ordinary, or average. It has always invoked magic, truth, promise, hope and most definately love!

This year, all of that is not lost for me. But, rather more amplified. And along with it being more amplified, there is something about it all that sears my heart like it never has before. The sacrifice that was made! God, giving us His son.He was utterly aware of what He was giving up. Of what He was sacrificing. Had He asked me to give up Macsen, December 15th of last year, I would have told Him "No way!"

But He didn't ask. He took Him anyway....knowing what my answer would have been.

Does He love me any less for doing so? For taking him to Himself? Does He love you any less for taking Home your loved one?Absolutely not!

God has showed me a different way to look at all this. Putting me in this place, at this time is more an honor, then anything else. That He thought enough of me, to have my boy be with Him now, spared the hurt and pain of this world.As I work here as His ambassador. His light here, NOW! We are all called to be salt and light. Particularly when trials come our way! That is potentially where we can shine the brightest And be the saltiest! He desires to use us in this time. To reflect what has been depositted inside of our hearts. The Holy Spirit.

So this Christmas, as difficult as it may feel at times to me without my 1 year old boy on my hip, I choose to praise the One that made it possible, real, true, and worth pressing on toward while I am here. The One that has blessed me with ALL that I have here now to enjoy and love, until that day that I get to go Home.......

Meet Macsen's big sisters......

Mia Brooke 6 Maizy Bly 3


(They were some true show stoppers!)

Mia Brooke... the ultra school girl! Maizy Bly......the ultra show girl!

SNOW! It's cold!

What the heck is goin' on in these here parts?

Chocolate lovers! (So my daughters)

Our bubble gum pink tree in our room!

We love you baby brother, Macsen! XO

Merry Christmas to you in Heaven!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

{oNe MeMoRy BoX aT a TiMe}




Wednesday, December 17, 2008

{hAnDs AnD fEeT}

There is so much that "sings" to each of us differently in the midst of heartache. In particular, I am thinking about those extremely tender first several days, and weeks after my son went to Heaven to live and I had a "new normal". When I was told Macsen was no longer with us several degrees of grief ensued. Initially, clearly, it is utter shock, pain that is indescribable and a slap in the face of mortality that words can not convey. But as the days wear on, and everyone around you is going on with life as usual, I felt very much like I was living in jell-o. Things had slowed very down, and the littlest of tasks was extremely overwhelming. Can anyone else relate?

This ministry of memory boxes, filled with items that I feel would have "sung" to me, is one that I take very seriously, and am sure that it is of God's ordaining. I am calling on all my sisters in the faith, my kindred spirits in our passions, and on all of us that have even more to be excited about when we get to Heaven. Glorying in our King, first and foremost, but also being reunited with our little ones, never to be separated from them again! HALLELUJAH!

As painful as it may be to recall those early days and weeks, I ask that you please do. Try to remember what you were given that ministered to you. Also remember what you weren't given that would have. Bear in mind the boxes are 10x10, and are about 6" deep. I daydream about them being so packed that you can barely close it. Sigh....
Currently in each box is as follows:

  • Organic sage, parsley and rose bud tea to aid the body in suppressing milk production. Also comes with a bamboo steeper.

This for me personally, would have been amazing. I make milk.....alot of milk. My body knew this little man was big, so it was prepping up! Going through that was impossibly difficult. A constant reminder of what I did not have.

  • A beeswax candle for lighting to remember. Highly aromatic and Lavender- lovely. It fills the box with peace and life.
  • A journal to put down thoughts and prayers

  • A flaxseed and lavender heart shaped pillow to hold

If you put this in the microwave for a minute or so it warms up nice to really give your empty arms something to do. I was given a polka-dot square pillow in the hospital, and honestly, felt insulted that there was anyone that could think that would be a suitable "replacement". Well, it wasn't, but I used it, and have it to this day. Big sissy Maizy just loves to sleep with it.

  • A small white cherub figurine/ornament.

I seek high and low at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and surrounding thrift stores. They are, after all, my preferred place to buy ALL things. I am very picky, and it needs to be just right. I do a real thorough clean up job on all that I get. I have had much success and everyone then gets something quite unique. (Good stewardship....I desire to have it in abundance!)

  • A booklet of the Heaven book by Randy Alcorn.

A small taste of what to expect from the book itself. Eternal Perspectives Ministry graciously donated them. Thank you EPM.

  • A smaller box within the memory box. All in coordinating colors and theme. Meant to hold hair lockets, hospital ID bracelets etc

My son's above items were handed to me in a zip lock bag.

Need I say more.......

  • A note from me, with all my contact information. On the back is references that may be helpful. Web sites, books, counselors, etc.

Constantly in "upgrade mode".....I am learning something new everyday. Mainly from you amazing women. Two...I am obsessed with bereavement of babies. Not in an unhealthy way, I really believe God has just burdened me for it for this very thing. All I know is, upon leaving the hospital, I came home and, first stared at my Christmas tree for like two weeks. (Yes...the DEAD one!) But after that I was obsessed with the Internet and learning of others that had walked this journey, and had not only lived to tell about it, but tell about it and be encompassed with JOY, inspite of the hurt!

Ladies, if you have ideas and thoughts to help these boxes be more of a blessing, please make a comment. Search your heart for what might hold the hand of those precious souls out there that have yet to face this storm. Together we can be His hands and feet.Your input is vital to this being all that it can be. My dream, is for these boxes to invoke PEACE, ELEGANCE, COMFORT and most of all HOPE and LOVE. A spa box, if you will, with the aroma of Heaven and the promise we have in the Cross! Thank you for your help! Where ever you are in this journey of grieving your little one, know that God has placed us all here...... for such a time as this! ~Esther 4:14b

Monday, December 15, 2008

{tHaNk YoU}

It snowed. It snowed alot. Many are reluctant to venture into it (which I must say I don't get. I feel like a real fuddy-duddy when I say this, but here it goes. I used to walk in 6 ft of snow to get to school. Blizzard or not, I was walking. I grew up in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, so nothing.). So, bearing in mind all of those that were unable to come tonight, we have decided to postpone it. It is Macsen's birthday Home, which is cause for celebration. But I can celebrate that anytime. All the time. Everyday I am reminded of his presence missing in my life. But soon after that reminder, I am eased with the peace, that it is only for a time. One day we will be together again.

At the point at which my heart was the heaviest thus far today, I fell to my knees to pray. The sobs were too suffocating to get much off of my lips. I was, however, able to say the only thing that would have summed my heartache up to the Lord into one small phrase: "Thank you!!!!"

God's sacrifice for you, and for me, and for Macsen, is what ensures our place in Heaven. It is what keeps my heart imprisoned in hope!

"Thank you", was all I could say.

It's all that needs to be said.

Macsen, my little man...I love you. Happy Birthday! I would sing it to you, but I am pretty sure the angels are doing that better then I could. What a party it must be!

NEW AUCTION DATE: (all tickets purchased will be valid at the door. So hold onto them!)

Friday, January 30th 7pm-9pm

Save the date, and please do not feel concern for this change and how it is effecting me. God is on His thrown.....He has something bigger in store! Hope you'll stick around with me to see what it is! Thank you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

{bEhOlD tHe ChRiStMaS tReE}

I have been attending a GriefShare class on Wednesday nights while my ladies are in there AWANA classes. And I can honestly say, it has been a real blessing. I know, it's kind of a sad thing, to think of a room full of grieving people. Truth be told, I wasn't really wild about the idea of it myself at first. I am not someone that likes to "camp out" in pain and feel sorry for myself. Shame on me, this is anything but. Grieving in a healthy and biblical way is good, appropriate and precisely what we need to do to gain "molding" from our pain. It's pruning really....what rose bush didn't gain fragrant flowers after much pruning? (Not including my rose bushes....I do not have a green thumb. Fortunately, God has green hands!!!!) This class has been a safe place to cry, share and really understand what God is doing in our walk with Him, even in the midst of such suffering. He, after all, is no stranger to it. Suffering that is. He himself is the man of sorrows.

With everyday though, that I go to my Grief Share class, or I go to a friends house to visit, or come to this blog to "journal".....I am always drawn back to my new all-time obsession. It's not my wardrobe because I never know what turn that could take. (I shop at the Goodwill and resale shops, so it's really out of my hands what direction it will go-I love it! the thrill of the hunt!) It's not my wall colors. I have literally tackled nearly every square foot of white wall there is in this home, with the exception of the the stairway hall.( Not going to be a simple task by any means. Once this auction and the holidays are behind me, however....."move over sterile white walls! Hello teal and gold". (Looking forward to that. I know, I have a sickness!!!)

No, my new obsession is Heaven. What will it be like? Who will I know? What will we do? Where will it be? If you have someone you love dearly that is there, a friend, a parent, a child.... please give yourself the gift of truth. Heaven by Randy Alcorn, I highly recommend it. It has blown my mind in what "I thought" I knew about Heaven and what to expect! He keeps it completely biblical and it is an absolute page turner.

The Lord has actually been preparing me for this "obsession" for quite some time now. In many ways, reallybut over the last few years I have been collecting ornaments for my tree, really making it's "theme" of Heaven. Some of you are aware of my deceased Christmas tree that had been with us for the last 6 years. It was beautiful, kind, full of memories, and longer meant to be.
So......I present to you our new friend. Behold, The Christmas tree......

But our citizenship is in Heaven. ~Philippians 3:20
There is a Home beyond this place for you and for me. If you are feeling uncomfortable and unfullfilled with what this world has offered you, that is right and good! We are only passing through this place. One day we will be there. Hold on dear sister and brother. The journey will be worth it once we're Home!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

{tHe ReAsOn FoR tHe SeAsOn}

Okay, so I know this post is suppose to be "the big reveal" new Christmas tree, right?!. (Truly earth shattering update, I know! But if you knew me, and what a real goober I am about this most glorious season, then that being a "big reveal" would not seem so strange.)

Tonight, instead I want to say a few things that I have felt led to say.

This Christmas many of us are missing someone we love. Someone that has gone Home to Heaven. And here we are, hurting in our heart as we think of all we don't have here to look forward to with them.

All the things we wished we'd said, or done and didn't.

Wanting so very much to curl up in our bed and wake up with them.

Holding onto all the "what if's", and "if only's".

I am no different then you. I think those same thoughts.

But, what is Christmas about? Who is The Prince of Peace? Whom do they refer when they speak of this Savior for all man kind?

King Jesus

Let me ask you a question. If the one/many you love that are already Home, were able to see you-see you now in all that you are doing, saying, feeling.....would they like what they see? Of course there is a season of hurting, and hurting so much you can't breathe. Isolating and feeling unsocial. Wanting so much to disappear. But in the later days of them going Home were they to see all that you are doing, would they be proud and happy to see you living as you are?

Dear friend......they can see all that we are doing. They can, and are likely praying for you as well. What a picture.....your loved one, and King Jesus, interceding on YOUR behalf!


There is nothing that will keep us from this fallen world's "hurt". But what we CHOOSE to do with it makes all the difference. WHO we choose to do it with, makes all the difference. And to whom we bend our knee to, will undoubtedly make all the difference. And make no mistake, we all bow our knee to something/someone. (ex. our stuff, our spouse, sex, alcohol, religiousness....etc) There is no substitute, no alternative, no comparison. He is the way, the truth and the life. ~John 14:6

Dear friend....your loved one is happy. Rejoice in that knowledge. That is what matters. Hold onto the hand that also holds the hand of the one you miss, so very much. He is worthy. He is Love.

This Christmas meditate on the sacrifice that was made. Made for me. Made for you, and made for your loved one. That we might spend all of eternity with the One that loves us more then our wildest dreams could imagine.

CHOOSE not to focus on what you don't have, but rather, what you do. You might have more then your eyes have yet seen.

Beloved, if you do not know the Lord Jesus as your personal Savior , and wish to, please send me a comment. I will tell you what I know, and send you else where when I don't know. This life has hope in it. And it came swaddled up in cloths and lieing in a manger........

I love you Jesus.

Jesus....the reason for the season.