Wednesday, December 31, 2008


Tonight, as I sit to type, so very many thoughts flood my mind.

And many emotions rush my heart.

2008.....gone forever.

How on earth did I make it through?

What could possibly happen in 2009?

My once extreme optimistic heart is a bit reluctant to ponder it, to be perfectly honest. This year represents a great deal of loss for me. And even more heartache. And certainly it's share of spiritual struggles.I've decided that I really don't like it down here. But I have also decided to remain optimistic. God is in control. He loves me. He loves you. He knows BEST! So I am believing...

2009 is going to be one of blessing.
One of joy.
One of victory.
One of peace.
One of excitement.
One of love.
One of solidity.
One of laughter.
One of energy and health.
One of financial break though and independence.
One of anointing.
One of spiritual strength.
One of wisdom.
One of faithfulness.
One of discernment.
One of abundance.
One of fruitfulness.
One of sharing HIM like never before.
One of being used of God to bring Him much glory!

Sounds like a good year to me. What do you think?

Dear 2008,
Good bye to you. Good bye to all the burdens, heartbreak and evil you brought this way. Good bye to the pain and sorrow. Good bye to the deceit, unfaithfulness and betrayal. Good bye to you........

"Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children."
Genesis 50:19b-21
Thank you God. I needed to hear that tonight! I hope you did too.
Peace be with you in 2009!

Friday, December 26, 2008

{GoD sHoWeD uP}

We did it! You did it, and I did it. We made it through all of Christmas. Some moments harder then others, some more tearful then the few before. Parts of the build up where the only thing that was felt was the void of the little person or persons we wanted to be joining in on all the fun. Even if their only contribution would have been cooing and needing a diaper change. : ) It was none the less missed.

To be honest, Christmas, and the time leading up to it felt, for the most part, very orchestrated and contrived. But I was in no way about to let ME take over and ruin this holiday for my ladies, though. That is precisely what Satan wants. This is NOT about ME. Christmas is such a spring board of faith in the hearts of little people. I recall being small and feeling just how very much God's love was for me at Christmas. I wanted to give that to my babies. I knew how much they were watching me, watching how I would react because of Macsen not being here. They are so much smarter and attentive then we give them credit for! So we did alot of talking about the celebration for Jesus' birth that was taking place in Heaven. The one their baby brother was a part of. It was healing, exciting and peaceful.

I had to share my girls with my husband, whom which, most of you may not know I am separated from. He would not tell you that his leaving us was due to Macsen's exodus Home, but it is more ways then we will ever wrap our minds around, I am sure! So...faced with a NEW Christmas in more ways then just being with out my baby boy, GOD SHOWED UP ! The girls and I shared a Christmas Eve full of lots of food, goofing off, and talking about the Lord's precious birth. Then, I was up until midnight getting food prepped, toys set up, and toys "ready". ( I did the majority of my shopping this year at the local Goodwill and Salvation Army. So fun! You never know what your going to get, but it all needs some love and a touch of creativity! And it isn't the same sting on the pocket book, eh?! ) * Heads up: in coming posts all the neat blessings for Christmas God brought me to for my adorable girls! It really kind of puts you in a place of His guidance as to what you'll get for those you love. The thrill of the hunt with a spiritual twist! RUSH!

God is good! I so want to hear about how God comforted you as you faced this holiday. The God that parted the Red Sea, rose the dead and healed the sick is the same God today. He loves you, and knows your pain, void, and need like no one person ever could.

Trust Him. Be encouraged. He is caring for those we miss and feel such heartache for. Bask in that, and use the comforting He is giving to you to help others that don't know....HIM!
{Peace be with you!}

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

{bIg SiStErS)

Jesus' birthday is anything but typical, ordinary, or average. It has always invoked magic, truth, promise, hope and most definately love!

This year, all of that is not lost for me. But, rather more amplified. And along with it being more amplified, there is something about it all that sears my heart like it never has before. The sacrifice that was made! God, giving us His son.He was utterly aware of what He was giving up. Of what He was sacrificing. Had He asked me to give up Macsen, December 15th of last year, I would have told Him "No way!"

But He didn't ask. He took Him anyway....knowing what my answer would have been.

Does He love me any less for doing so? For taking him to Himself? Does He love you any less for taking Home your loved one?Absolutely not!

God has showed me a different way to look at all this. Putting me in this place, at this time is more an honor, then anything else. That He thought enough of me, to have my boy be with Him now, spared the hurt and pain of this world.As I work here as His ambassador. His light here, NOW! We are all called to be salt and light. Particularly when trials come our way! That is potentially where we can shine the brightest And be the saltiest! He desires to use us in this time. To reflect what has been depositted inside of our hearts. The Holy Spirit.

So this Christmas, as difficult as it may feel at times to me without my 1 year old boy on my hip, I choose to praise the One that made it possible, real, true, and worth pressing on toward while I am here. The One that has blessed me with ALL that I have here now to enjoy and love, until that day that I get to go Home.......

Meet Macsen's big sisters......

Mia Brooke 6 Maizy Bly 3


(They were some true show stoppers!)

Mia Brooke... the ultra school girl! Maizy Bly......the ultra show girl!

SNOW! It's cold!

What the heck is goin' on in these here parts?

Chocolate lovers! (So my daughters)

Our bubble gum pink tree in our room!

We love you baby brother, Macsen! XO

Merry Christmas to you in Heaven!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

{oNe MeMoRy BoX aT a TiMe}




Wednesday, December 17, 2008

{hAnDs AnD fEeT}

There is so much that "sings" to each of us differently in the midst of heartache. In particular, I am thinking about those extremely tender first several days, and weeks after my son went to Heaven to live and I had a "new normal". When I was told Macsen was no longer with us several degrees of grief ensued. Initially, clearly, it is utter shock, pain that is indescribable and a slap in the face of mortality that words can not convey. But as the days wear on, and everyone around you is going on with life as usual, I felt very much like I was living in jell-o. Things had slowed very down, and the littlest of tasks was extremely overwhelming. Can anyone else relate?

This ministry of memory boxes, filled with items that I feel would have "sung" to me, is one that I take very seriously, and am sure that it is of God's ordaining. I am calling on all my sisters in the faith, my kindred spirits in our passions, and on all of us that have even more to be excited about when we get to Heaven. Glorying in our King, first and foremost, but also being reunited with our little ones, never to be separated from them again! HALLELUJAH!

As painful as it may be to recall those early days and weeks, I ask that you please do. Try to remember what you were given that ministered to you. Also remember what you weren't given that would have. Bear in mind the boxes are 10x10, and are about 6" deep. I daydream about them being so packed that you can barely close it. Sigh....
Currently in each box is as follows:

  • Organic sage, parsley and rose bud tea to aid the body in suppressing milk production. Also comes with a bamboo steeper.

This for me personally, would have been amazing. I make milk.....alot of milk. My body knew this little man was big, so it was prepping up! Going through that was impossibly difficult. A constant reminder of what I did not have.

  • A beeswax candle for lighting to remember. Highly aromatic and Lavender- lovely. It fills the box with peace and life.
  • A journal to put down thoughts and prayers

  • A flaxseed and lavender heart shaped pillow to hold

If you put this in the microwave for a minute or so it warms up nice to really give your empty arms something to do. I was given a polka-dot square pillow in the hospital, and honestly, felt insulted that there was anyone that could think that would be a suitable "replacement". Well, it wasn't, but I used it, and have it to this day. Big sissy Maizy just loves to sleep with it.

  • A small white cherub figurine/ornament.

I seek high and low at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and surrounding thrift stores. They are, after all, my preferred place to buy ALL things. I am very picky, and it needs to be just right. I do a real thorough clean up job on all that I get. I have had much success and everyone then gets something quite unique. (Good stewardship....I desire to have it in abundance!)

  • A booklet of the Heaven book by Randy Alcorn.

A small taste of what to expect from the book itself. Eternal Perspectives Ministry graciously donated them. Thank you EPM.

  • A smaller box within the memory box. All in coordinating colors and theme. Meant to hold hair lockets, hospital ID bracelets etc

My son's above items were handed to me in a zip lock bag.

Need I say more.......

  • A note from me, with all my contact information. On the back is references that may be helpful. Web sites, books, counselors, etc.

Constantly in "upgrade mode".....I am learning something new everyday. Mainly from you amazing women. Two...I am obsessed with bereavement of babies. Not in an unhealthy way, I really believe God has just burdened me for it for this very thing. All I know is, upon leaving the hospital, I came home and, first stared at my Christmas tree for like two weeks. (Yes...the DEAD one!) But after that I was obsessed with the Internet and learning of others that had walked this journey, and had not only lived to tell about it, but tell about it and be encompassed with JOY, inspite of the hurt!

Ladies, if you have ideas and thoughts to help these boxes be more of a blessing, please make a comment. Search your heart for what might hold the hand of those precious souls out there that have yet to face this storm. Together we can be His hands and feet.Your input is vital to this being all that it can be. My dream, is for these boxes to invoke PEACE, ELEGANCE, COMFORT and most of all HOPE and LOVE. A spa box, if you will, with the aroma of Heaven and the promise we have in the Cross! Thank you for your help! Where ever you are in this journey of grieving your little one, know that God has placed us all here...... for such a time as this! ~Esther 4:14b

Monday, December 15, 2008

{tHaNk YoU}

It snowed. It snowed alot. Many are reluctant to venture into it (which I must say I don't get. I feel like a real fuddy-duddy when I say this, but here it goes. I used to walk in 6 ft of snow to get to school. Blizzard or not, I was walking. I grew up in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana, so nothing.). So, bearing in mind all of those that were unable to come tonight, we have decided to postpone it. It is Macsen's birthday Home, which is cause for celebration. But I can celebrate that anytime. All the time. Everyday I am reminded of his presence missing in my life. But soon after that reminder, I am eased with the peace, that it is only for a time. One day we will be together again.

At the point at which my heart was the heaviest thus far today, I fell to my knees to pray. The sobs were too suffocating to get much off of my lips. I was, however, able to say the only thing that would have summed my heartache up to the Lord into one small phrase: "Thank you!!!!"

God's sacrifice for you, and for me, and for Macsen, is what ensures our place in Heaven. It is what keeps my heart imprisoned in hope!

"Thank you", was all I could say.

It's all that needs to be said.

Macsen, my little man...I love you. Happy Birthday! I would sing it to you, but I am pretty sure the angels are doing that better then I could. What a party it must be!

NEW AUCTION DATE: (all tickets purchased will be valid at the door. So hold onto them!)

Friday, January 30th 7pm-9pm

Save the date, and please do not feel concern for this change and how it is effecting me. God is on His thrown.....He has something bigger in store! Hope you'll stick around with me to see what it is! Thank you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

{bEhOlD tHe ChRiStMaS tReE}

I have been attending a GriefShare class on Wednesday nights while my ladies are in there AWANA classes. And I can honestly say, it has been a real blessing. I know, it's kind of a sad thing, to think of a room full of grieving people. Truth be told, I wasn't really wild about the idea of it myself at first. I am not someone that likes to "camp out" in pain and feel sorry for myself. Shame on me, this is anything but. Grieving in a healthy and biblical way is good, appropriate and precisely what we need to do to gain "molding" from our pain. It's pruning really....what rose bush didn't gain fragrant flowers after much pruning? (Not including my rose bushes....I do not have a green thumb. Fortunately, God has green hands!!!!) This class has been a safe place to cry, share and really understand what God is doing in our walk with Him, even in the midst of such suffering. He, after all, is no stranger to it. Suffering that is. He himself is the man of sorrows.

With everyday though, that I go to my Grief Share class, or I go to a friends house to visit, or come to this blog to "journal".....I am always drawn back to my new all-time obsession. It's not my wardrobe because I never know what turn that could take. (I shop at the Goodwill and resale shops, so it's really out of my hands what direction it will go-I love it! the thrill of the hunt!) It's not my wall colors. I have literally tackled nearly every square foot of white wall there is in this home, with the exception of the the stairway hall.( Not going to be a simple task by any means. Once this auction and the holidays are behind me, however....."move over sterile white walls! Hello teal and gold". (Looking forward to that. I know, I have a sickness!!!)

No, my new obsession is Heaven. What will it be like? Who will I know? What will we do? Where will it be? If you have someone you love dearly that is there, a friend, a parent, a child.... please give yourself the gift of truth. Heaven by Randy Alcorn, I highly recommend it. It has blown my mind in what "I thought" I knew about Heaven and what to expect! He keeps it completely biblical and it is an absolute page turner.

The Lord has actually been preparing me for this "obsession" for quite some time now. In many ways, reallybut over the last few years I have been collecting ornaments for my tree, really making it's "theme" of Heaven. Some of you are aware of my deceased Christmas tree that had been with us for the last 6 years. It was beautiful, kind, full of memories, and longer meant to be.
So......I present to you our new friend. Behold, The Christmas tree......

But our citizenship is in Heaven. ~Philippians 3:20
There is a Home beyond this place for you and for me. If you are feeling uncomfortable and unfullfilled with what this world has offered you, that is right and good! We are only passing through this place. One day we will be there. Hold on dear sister and brother. The journey will be worth it once we're Home!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

{tHe ReAsOn FoR tHe SeAsOn}

Okay, so I know this post is suppose to be "the big reveal" new Christmas tree, right?!. (Truly earth shattering update, I know! But if you knew me, and what a real goober I am about this most glorious season, then that being a "big reveal" would not seem so strange.)

Tonight, instead I want to say a few things that I have felt led to say.

This Christmas many of us are missing someone we love. Someone that has gone Home to Heaven. And here we are, hurting in our heart as we think of all we don't have here to look forward to with them.

All the things we wished we'd said, or done and didn't.

Wanting so very much to curl up in our bed and wake up with them.

Holding onto all the "what if's", and "if only's".

I am no different then you. I think those same thoughts.

But, what is Christmas about? Who is The Prince of Peace? Whom do they refer when they speak of this Savior for all man kind?

King Jesus

Let me ask you a question. If the one/many you love that are already Home, were able to see you-see you now in all that you are doing, saying, feeling.....would they like what they see? Of course there is a season of hurting, and hurting so much you can't breathe. Isolating and feeling unsocial. Wanting so much to disappear. But in the later days of them going Home were they to see all that you are doing, would they be proud and happy to see you living as you are?

Dear friend......they can see all that we are doing. They can, and are likely praying for you as well. What a picture.....your loved one, and King Jesus, interceding on YOUR behalf!


There is nothing that will keep us from this fallen world's "hurt". But what we CHOOSE to do with it makes all the difference. WHO we choose to do it with, makes all the difference. And to whom we bend our knee to, will undoubtedly make all the difference. And make no mistake, we all bow our knee to something/someone. (ex. our stuff, our spouse, sex, alcohol, religiousness....etc) There is no substitute, no alternative, no comparison. He is the way, the truth and the life. ~John 14:6

Dear friend....your loved one is happy. Rejoice in that knowledge. That is what matters. Hold onto the hand that also holds the hand of the one you miss, so very much. He is worthy. He is Love.

This Christmas meditate on the sacrifice that was made. Made for me. Made for you, and made for your loved one. That we might spend all of eternity with the One that loves us more then our wildest dreams could imagine.

CHOOSE not to focus on what you don't have, but rather, what you do. You might have more then your eyes have yet seen.

Beloved, if you do not know the Lord Jesus as your personal Savior , and wish to, please send me a comment. I will tell you what I know, and send you else where when I don't know. This life has hope in it. And it came swaddled up in cloths and lieing in a manger........

I love you Jesus.

Jesus....the reason for the season.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

{mErRy ChRiStMaS}

After a good cry, and alot of feeling sorry for myself, I gained my composure and became settled with the idea of starting out into the world to find "Christmas" again for my home. (For those who are a bit confused, read the preceding post....but grab the tissues before you do. Hee, hee)

Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned that along with my beautiful Christmas tree, within THAT, box also lay to rest my lovely door swag. The one I created with my own two little hands. One that I looked forward to year after year, hanging proudly for all to see upon entering my home. Gone.....gone forever.

As I perused the craft stores, I was disheartened at all the, well how do you say this nicely.....JUNK! Even my faithful Goodwill wasn't coming through for me. I actually, out of desperation grabbed whatever was remotely "doable" that I saw. Because really, the thought of having nothing {spectacular} on and in my house for Jesus' birthday is about as ghastly to me as having white walls! I could just faint at the thought......(as I fan myself)

I came home, and in my usual way, dove in with absolutely zero idea what I hoped the end result to be. Now bear in mind, this usually ends up in a very awesome result. One that is no less of a surprise to me then it is any audience I may have. And I certainly accredit it in no way to myself, but completely to God. He is after all the One that gave us all of our talents, gifts, brains, ideas etc. Nothing good that comes from me, is me. It is HIM. HIM alone. And me some pretty fantabulous ideas! Really!

Anyhow....a little glue gun here. A little antiquing glaze there. Never forget the Modge Podge......
and VUALA! (I don't speak French so do not expect proper spelling. For goodness sake i can't even spell in English.)

Without further ado.....I present to you, my welcome to you and yours this Christmas-via my front door.......

This angel image is one I hold near to my heart. It is the first my eyes saw and was really able to connect with after my sweet little man went Home. The image has been inducted into "The Greatest Blessing" logo Hall of Fame. It is an image I often use on my memories boxes for other mommies to help them remember what is really at the core of being a mommy: our babies safety, happiness, and well being. (BTW.....the door just so happens to be the precise color of the angels glorious gown. Someone has become a bit OBSESSED with dark teal. She will remain nameless) My girls obviously see this image alot, and it is understood in our home, that the baby in that tender angels arms is their brother, my son, Macsen. We see that image and it conveys peace, reminds us of our hope and is a constant reminder of who NOW holds our loved little one....... KING JESUS.

This Christmas I am reminded of the beautiful place my boy is as He looks down upon his family. As I work diligently to keep my girls eye's on The Reason for The Season, and explore my creative juices to help create memories for them to look upon their eventual past Christmas' with longing. As I am in this world, and not of this world, praying for their physical and spiritual safety and security, I am humbly reminded that my baby Macsen, has all of those things and so very much more. And he has them in an abundance that I can not fully imagine nor fathom. He is after all, in Paradise.


To all of us who are in this world, and heartbroken for the ones that have gone before us to Paradise. For mommy's and daddy's heartbroken in this season of promise. Remember this promise......they are now perfect! Let us take our pain, use it to help others and pour it out as a drink offering to the only one worthy, Lord Jesus. The best babysitter a mommy could ask for. Helping someone else, even in little way has brought more healing to me then I can really convey to you in appropriate words. Our loved one's are so happy. It's the one's down here that are so desperately hurting and need our help, as God uses us to be His hands and feet.

Macsen Danforth Gebhardt arrived Home on December 15th, 2007
Gone but not forgotten.
Missed, but to be with again......
Mommy loves you angel baby!
Merry Christmas!
By the way....have I told you how proud I am of you! Atta' boy!
P.S. Project #2: THE Christmas tree...... big reveal COMING SOON!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

{nEw BeGiNiNgS}

Because my son was born into Heaven on December 15th of last year, it is needless to say that Christmas will possess elements that words can not express. My mind starts to go down the dark road of telling me that Christmas will be worse now. That it is forever to be a time to relive the heartache that came my way, by highlighting that which I do not have, my son. My Macsen. Negativity starts in the mind, and that is also where negativity needs to die, in the mind. But that takes effort. It takes crying out to God to reveal truth to us.

The other night my little light, Maizy and I thought it was the perfect time to pull out Christmas "stuff" to start inventorying our "decorating-plan-of-attack". Upon opening the first bin, however, our excitement and zeal were quickly met with "death " . The smell of death that is. Apparently, not the sharpest of minds packed up our Christmas stuff last year (myself included). I mean, we were after all GRIEVING THE SWEETEST BABY BOY EVER! It stands to reason that things got over looked and packed unnecessarily. In the middle of the box was my Thanksgiving cornucopia....filled with what were once multi colored corn cobs. well, they may look "dried-out" to the human eye, but they are indeed packed with moisture. As this damp, moldy, musty, and rusted box of "DEAD" Christmas decorations proves. And would you believe, there in the midst of all of this foul smell, was my very dear to me, Christmas tree. Dear to me for so many reasons. It was the tree that my husband and I bought early in our marriage. It was there when our oldest, Mia, now 6, was new to the world. It was there when Maizy, now 3, was a new arrival . was there throughout my pregnancy of sweet Macsen. Just as it was there when I came home from the hospital. In fact, I often tell about my old friend, the Christmas tree, that I came home to, and literally just sat and stared at for like 2 weeks after Macsen went to live with the Lord.

This tree was mine. It was familiar, it was tradition, it was a part of my last days with Macsen. It was part of my life.

Well, I often hear that really letting emotion take hold, and breaking down in front of your children is really not good. But guess what, I'm human!( I know....a shock!) I could not help myself in that moment. I was as surprised by it as little Maizy was. I was a wreck. The tears were so big, and so full of feeling. ( For those that aren't understanding: THE TREE IS RUINED! Not all the Lysol in the free world could have revived our friend, Christmas tree. And really, who wants a tree that smells like "Garden Mist"? Not exactly conveying a Christmas ambiance with that gem sittin' front stage in your living room!) Maizy was such a lover though. She brought me Kleenex and cleaned my tears, and said with such youthful optimism..."It's ok momma....we'll just get another one!" (Clearly my 3 year old isn't up to speed on the economy and looming DEPRESSION on our hands! MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON "TREES" , KID!) J/K......Oh, what I wouldn't give for that mind set! She teaches me so much everyday! My teacher.....THE 3 YEAR OLD! Go figure!)

Not only was she loving on me, but per usual, the Holy Spirit was faithful to as well. I wanted so badly to curl up in the fetal position and soak in this depressing moment. But the Holy Spirit whispered to me in between "feeling sorry for my self wales": " Megan, that life is gone....dead. I am doing a new thing in you. Around you. A new, fresh life awaits you. One that will be lasting, more beautiful and beyond your wildest dreams! Exceedingly and abundantly more......."


Allowing hurt to be there is actually God's way of "molding" us into His image. I hate hurting, as I am sure you do as well. But if we avoid it, if we run from it, we miss the message, the blessing, the "growth".

Christmas tree.....I say my good byes to you. You were there for a life that helped to create me from a selfish young women into a woman that desires her children to live. To not just live, though. To live with purpose, peace and hope in their home. To live for that which you represented to me in this house hold: warmth, life, legacy, beauty, reflection, celebration and ultimately love! Thank you for your place in this life of mine.....but God has new plans for this life. Fresh plans, fresh starts, fresh cuts....(even if they are artificial and bought at JCPenny. God is God....He can use anything, and will! Just look at me.....I'm a perfect example! Thank you God. I love you!)

This picture is such a poor depiction of what I was blessed to look at so many nights.
It is a celestial/Heavenly feast......BUT....God has something EVEN better ahead!!!!!!! Bye Christmas tree.....thank you- for you.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

{UnMatChaBLe lOvE}

"USE ME!" These words, are by no means, words you would use to anyone you encounter, here on earth. In this world, and on this earth....people don't need to be given an invitation to "use you". Instead they go for it like they are entitled to it! Disgusting! Could you be more the antithesis of our Lord and Savior then that? I think not! But here we are. You and I who have indeed been used. Called to be in the world, but not of the world. Are we standing out? Are we so bright that all that sit by and watch not only need to pull out their "shades" to be near, but want to upgrade those "shades" so that they can draw closer? I have to admit....I haven't been as bright as I know God wants me to be. My life, outside of my son playing 'hookie' in being here, and going straight to paradise ,(btw....he is so gonna get it when He sees his momma....the attack of the kisses that is! blessed little man!!!) has been trialsome and hurtful. Likely though, I have some kindred spirits out there that so know what I am saying!

When we become Christians, there is absolutely nothing in the word that proclaims to us...."ALAS....ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER. YOU ARE GOING TO ALWAYS FEEL FAVOR AND BLESSING, AND HURT WILL COME TO YOU NO MORE!" Quite the contrary....Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart....I have overcome the world."

I don't know about you.....but I am following the One that has overcome the world !!!!! The ONE that can give PEACE that passes all understanding. The ONE that will never leave me nor forsake me. The ONE that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And the ONE, that gave His only begotten son, that whoever believed in Him would not parish but have everlasting life!

Do you know Him?Do you follow Him? Because if you do not, let me promise you, that you are missing the best thing this world could ever have. No sweet car will fill you, no nice office,no great outfit (tried 'em all), no lover, no "thing" can take the place of the only thing we were meant to live for, love and serve....JESUS CHRIST. He is the real deal, and sparing you all some serious, Sex in The City/Real World/General Hospital/ Jerry Springer details.......JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY OXYGEN-ADDICTION-LOVER-ENTERTAINMENT that any of us need. Please believe it from a girl that learned it the hard way, and is one that would gladly join her that washed His feet with her tears, and dried it with her hair! No human could fathom desiring you more then how you are desired by HIM! take Him up on His offer. He loves you so much, that He died for you! UNMATCHABLE LOVE!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

{tHe SaMe YeStErDaY, tOdAy, AnD tOmOrRoW}

There is a lot about myself that I have chosen to keep close. I am mostly a very transparent, open person, more concerned with truth then image . But none the less, there are things I hold to myself. Only God and I can see into this delicate "jewel" box I have, where I hold these precious and personal things. One of those things is the place of joy, serenity and peace that I always felt spending time alone with my babies. Every stage of growth these little people have been in have blessed me, don't get me wrong. But, for me, there is a place that I would go with them, when they were in what I call the "tiny days" (i.e. birth-15ish months) that I would find myself literally swept away from this world, and all it's darkness. In those moments I could get lost in a way I have only felt similarly as being swept into a strong, anointed worship song. Or when I am in a bible study, where the "image" factor dissolves, and suddenly you are listening in on the hearts and minds of others....just like you, only on a path you haven't walked, yet somehow "get". Those "tiny days" go by so quickly. On especially hard days, those moments with those babies, and time in prayer to God, were all that got me through.

To say I don't think about all the "tiny days" I missed out on with my only son would be a lie. How different they likely would have been. More rambunctious. Louder. Messier. And in some ways, possibly sweeter. Sweeter, because for the first time I would be getting a very fresh, new, and up-close view at the life of being a boy. A boy, and all that being a boy has to offer. But to all those thoughts I say, "ok, maybe. Sure they would have been different. Yea, it's hard to know I have been without. Now add those thoughts, though to the mind-blowing perk of experiencing them for the first time in paradise!" (What do you think of them apples?) Suddenly what I don't have, looks more and more like a reward!

My own mortality has never been more palatable in all of my life. Death is real, and is indeed something we all will not get out of. The ultimate statistic.....ten out of ten people die. What are we going to do with our lives? Pretend like we know what is best for us, and do what best suits our "feelings"? Or rely on a God who knows us better then we know ourselves.....surrender to Him, die to ourselves, that we might gain life?! Live for other people, to serve them and not be served. It all sounds very backwards from this worlds standards....but this world is fickle, selfish, hurtful, vein, unfaithful and thank God, it's temporary. This world lies and lies some more.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

{tHiS jOuRnEy I aM oN}

This journey I am on, is mine. It is one with characters I would not have chosen for it, it has chapters I would have much rather deleted, and it has climaxes that have been gripping me right to the very end. I take a great deal of comfort in knowing, however, that my story, my journey, is not yet done.

I can look back on my life and see so much mercy it even now causes me to shake my head with disbelief. What radical living I did. Not radical in a good sense, but radical in it's complete selfish, destructive and ungrateful aroma. Living for myself, no matter the cost. Doing as I please, because "I pleased". Coming and going when and where I chose to. Thinking of no one other then myself.....and coming to the end of the day and scratching my head in confusion,as to why I wasn't feeling fulfilled? Until....

One day the Lord visited me in a very public and very shameful moment in my life. I will never, as long as I live forget what I heard Him say to me. He said, ", yes, you.....are sooooo much more then this. I have something for you that is far greater then anything you have known! You are mine, and this is so beneath you!" Well, if you have ever heard the very voice of God speak as clearly to you,as I did in that moment, you know how it is all you can do to comprehend it, let alone react to it! But, react I did. I listened to Him, and I had no reason not to believe Him, and to this day, still do not. Everything He is, says, does, and has for each and everyone of us, is all for us, because of His great and endless love for us! The key is getting past the, "well then why....?" questions, and the, "well if only......?"

That was the beginning of a very slow, sometimes rocky journey of faith in following Him. What else is there, really I thought? I remember, my brother, Angus would hear what I would have to say, or see me do something faith oriented, and say, " are a zealot!" At the time, I was sord of offended, although my ignorance to it's meaning kept me from too much offense. But looking at it now, (and in all my most profound, grounded and sound theological thinking, NOT) I think, "Thank you! Whatever in the world could be more important then seeking out the One who is the very reason my heart beats?"

And as this journey of mine continues to unfold, I face the extreme reality of my only son's exodus Home. I face it with a choice before me....1} I can curl up in the fetal position, run from what God is doing in this, and how He might use this hurt to bring Himself glory or 2} I can embrace it and be submissive to Him using me and my experience to help others. To quote one of my most beloved bible teachers, and a hero in the faith, Beth Moore:

"Every time we suffer loss, we have an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed."


This journey I am on is mine.......and I wouldn't trade it for anything! (I have Heaven waiting for me....why would I? And my sweet little man to hold there! I will see you soon Macsen! I love you! Keep praying for mommy!)

Monday, October 27, 2008

{hOpE iN hEaVeN}

Close your eyes, and picture it..........

The cold December night air on your face. Warm jazzy Christmas music to charm the ambiance. Crisp white Christmas lights setting your eyes to drink in all the gorgeous baskets and gifts from the most generous of hearts. Taken away by the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, and an elegant table of decadent desserts that almost sing to you. Precious person, upon precious person there with the same desire. To be a part, in someway to come alongside broken hearted mommy's and daddy's to remind them that all is not lost! There is indeed a purpose behind their sorrow. A purpose far greater then they could think or imagine. A purpose, that although extreme in it's level of hurt now, can be cradled by something only a God that loved us, so much He sent His son could provide. Cradled by a Hope in Heaven.
On December 15th, 2008 The Greatest Blessing Ministry is hosting it's 1st annual Silent Auction and Dessert. The money raised will go towards the growing of a ministry, that I know from very personal experience, is desperately needed. In the hospital I was given a simple satiny box to hold my son's belongings. His cap, his ID bracelet, a lock of his hair, and his delicate hand and foot casts. It was all nice.....but how do you put a limit on the degree of kindness and love when someone has been given such a rocky road to journey upon? His hair was in a zip lock bag, and the box was bulging and most definitely made in China. (no offense) Just not the perfection that should hold my sweet boys things.

The Greatest Blessing Memory Boxes,are intentionally created with a heavenly aura, and not overtly "baby boy", or "baby girl". To me, that is intensely depressing..... the idea is to help get minds off of the temporal, and onto the eternal. After all, there is no doubt, saved or unsaved, all agree that our babies are in a place of paradise and happier then anyone of us could dream, conjure up or attempt to pay for ourselves! Jesus already paid for it! The goal is to fill each box with gifts to help heal mind, body and spirit.

Organic Sage, Parsley and Rose Bud tea to aid the body in halting the lactation process.......

A beeswax candle to light in remembrance of the sweet life God blessed you with........

A unique to each box, journal. A place to pour out thoughts and prayers.....

A bookmark with a scripture message....'faith comes by hearing the word'..........

A beautiful and soft hand-made heart shaped flax seed and lavender pillow, that when warmed in the microwave will feel nice on those especially lonely nights.........(no image right now. I will get one soon....)

A small coordinating box to hold the little lock, ID bracelet, etc.....

A silver angel "mommy" pin to wear to act as a voice for those who might feel like being quite, but still let the world know who they are and what they helped create......(no image right now. I will get one soon....)

Heaven by Randy Alcorn mini-booklet to help, scripturally, answer those questions we all might have after someone we love dies. (no image right now. I will get one soon....)

Honestly....My hope is to have this box so packed with gifts, that closing it is a real challenge! To spill out love from a box that represents King Jesus. And all that He puts "into" us.

Come, save the date and step out into the December cold, and the promise in it's air that Jesus brought on that night in Bethlehem. Come celebrate Macsen Danforth's birthday Home, December 15th. Be there to support a cause that although new, is quite old in it's primace:

Love your neighbor as you love yourself. ~Galatians 5:14

The Greatest Blessing Ministry is hosting


A Silent Auction and Dessert Event

To benefit families that suffer infant loss and to celebrate the life of Macsen Danforth and his 1st birthday Home!

at Greater Gresham Baptist Church in Gresham, Oregon

Monday,December 15th 2008 7pm-10pm

*Tickets will go on sale in the foyer of GGBC. $10. each. Contact Megan Gebhardt directly to purchase now. 503.953.2252

A small taste of items to be auctioned off are:

  • Photography package donated by Full of Grace Photography (NILMDTS volunteer)
  • Autographed Randy Alcorn book, Heaven
  • Autographed fiction book Deadline by Randy Alcorn
  • Autographed fiction book Deception by Randy Alcorn
  • Autographed fiction book Dominion
  • Get Out of That Pit Beth Moore book
  • Jesus the One and Only hard cover devotional book by Beth Moore
  • Hand made designer jewelry by Christa Collection
  • 2 Car Details by 4 Wheel Fellowship
  • "Starbucks or Bust" Gift Basket
  • "Hand Over the Chocolate and No One Gets Hurt" Gift Basket
  • All About Kids gift certificate
And much, much more! All utterly appropriate and special to give to your loved ones on Christmas, and all for a cause so worth while!

Monday, October 20, 2008

{A pRiViLeGe}

There was nothing quite like the nurses at Mt Hood Legacy Hospital, that unspeakable day in December. Their tenderness, care and genuine heart for us as we faced this rocky and unsure journey, was nothing less then the heart of Christ working in them all! It was one of the many ways I had the privilege (and yes you read that right....the privilege) of seeing God at work, and expressing His love for me so loudly. My sweet son being chosen to not have to face
this world: privilege. To be chosen to, prayerfully, be a beacon of light in the midst of Satan's signature....his ally or sidekick really-death. Privilege. God must have thought a lot of how He would be allowed to move through me in this time. He will not give us more then we can bare, and yet this happened? He knows all....He made it that I am more then a conqueror in Christ (Romans 8:37-39), and that this would be an ideal expression of that! Painful, yes....but He didn't even spare Jesus pain! Jesus, His only son whom He was so pleased! Jesus' pain had purpose. SO DOES OURS!

I have jokingly said (although I am very serious), I have a perk in Heaven, a lot of other people do not. Not only will I be in the presence of the ultimate lover of my soul, my creator, my best friend, my intercessor and biggest fan. The Lord Himself. Before my very eyes. I also, have the privilege of a formal introduction to my one and only son... Macsen Danforth. And as I am on my face with praise and adoration for my King before me, I will be at eye level with the sweetest little face I have ever seen. What an AWESOME day awaits me!
(I know...your almost jealous!)

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ~1 Peter 1:6-7

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

{iNfAnT lOsS rEmEmBrAnCe DaY}

Let me be perfectly honest....over the years, Megan has gotten less and less political. Politicians are phony and slimy and frankly, when asked who I am voting for in the coming election, my pat answer is: "None of the above! Is there a place on the balled for 'THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST'?" Cause I will so be all over that!!!!!!!!
All kidding aside though, I know we are called as Christians to speak our voice and do what we can. We live in the most prosperous nation in the world. Technology abounds here, and our medical quality is acclaimed as being top rate! Confusingly, however, the stillbirth rate is higher in the United States then in any other country in the world! Please let that soak in for a minute! Higher then in places where there are zero prenatal vitamins? Zero ultrasounds performed.? Even lack of hospitals?
If you don't have means to pursue the following homework to know what it is you can do! This hurt is one that I can attest to being one, that if avoidable, we want to avoid it! Honor all the families today, that have a little one living with King Jesus. Pray for their hearts today. And pray that God would begin to reveal life through their pain.
P.S I love you Macsen!


October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Monday, October 13, 2008

{ThE qUoTe...AnD mY pRaYeR}

This is a quote I just stumbled upon. It has sung to me in a very needed way tonight! Jesus, thank you for the pot holes You ordain....they always remind our feet, to tell our eyes to stay focused on YOU!

Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future;
faith is having the courage to dance to it today.
- Dr. Peter Kuzmic

Friday, October 3, 2008

{tHe ImPoSsIbLe}

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
~ Matthew 19:26

(* The picture is of Macsen's box....the original inspiration to go on and share hope with others!)

The last couple of years of my life have been extremely unforgiving. Challenges and cliffs have seemed to be at every turn. And in it all, my God has been willing and anxious to be there and see me through. There is nothing else that has been. Everything and everyone else asks, "what's in it for me?" God's economy is so far off from ours, and I for one am grateful it is. It most definitely doesn't always make sense to me, but in hind sight it is always what is best.

In the midst of these "impossible" times I can see the fingerprints of one that sees the beginning from the end. He sees it.....and He is unshaken by it. In fact, in my finite thinking I would for see the need for real quite and normality, but I have actually found that in those times (when I think I know what should be....funny), God then throws things in that put me absolutely out of my comfort zone! "Really God? Are you sure? I think you got my file mixed up with someone else! Do you remember what I've been through? What I am currently going through? That's crazy! You want me to do what?" Crazy huh? So was asking Peter to step out onto the crashing waves. So was instructing Noah to build an ark that would take years to construct. So was placing Joseph in multiple gloomy situations. How about when I told Moses to go back to a place he had been thrown from. Need I say more? Because I could......

I sit back, and scope all that God has asked me to do in times of trial, and I see IMPOSSIBLE. And then, our helpmate, the Holy Spirit says, All things are possible with God. Oh, how I hate to think of attempting to do any thing without you! Thank you for loving me with such an undeserved love!

Now I'll close my eyes....and step out of the boat!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


What person could honestly say that when they die, that they don't hope their life left some kind of a mark? One to grow from, learn from or be inspired by? A mark that encompasses the hope they had, the things they loved, and ultimately the part they played in having been used through their own hurts, pain, regrets and mistakes. And with the help of the Holy Spirit, turn it all around in a way that brings glory to God and the heart He has for His people. I for one want desperately to leave that kind of mark! That kind of legacy. He is very much in the business of redemption! It is His specialty, and His delight! And it no doubt is what brings Him the most glory!

For me, a "legacy" reaches easiest in terms of my little one's and the impression my every move makes upon them. When I look back and really ponder my own childhood, and all the memories I have, I am astounded at what my mind has been able to retain! Small things, yet huge in their ability to really depict those moments I ponder of my youth. ( It helps me to stay mindful of the small minds I now am a mommy too. God help me be bright!!!!)

The small things are small, but they remind me of my true first brush with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. So many things....small-yet huge. Like the smell of home made bread.The time taken to remind me that others have feelings, and sharing and being kind are right, and necessary. I can remember vividly, as if it were yesterday the times my mom would put extra creativity into things! Those things have so stuck! Huge part of why I now strive to be an *oober* colorful mom. ( Oober was so borrowed from a " mentor/ friend-mom"of mine, Debbie. Hi deb! That word is so great!) Every birthday was special, unique and had something involved about it. Like one year she made a detailed Super Woman on my birthday cake with frosting. (You could even see her little arm bands! I loved Super Woman! ) Small.....but big to me. We lived out in the country. Way out in the country I might add, and I can only imagine what a struggle it must have been to dream up things to have us do so we didn't kill each other, nor drive our mom to utter "crazy"! I can so more appreciate that now that I have small people that are ferocious in the "entertain-me-right-now-department". I remember once my mom having my brother and sister and I go out in the October Montana cold to walk around the house a few times on Halloween, only to come through the back porch to a hauntingly fun feast. The lights were dimmed , only lit by candles, my mom was in a costume, (for whatever reason, I have deleted the what costume it was from my mind! RANDOM) and the table was set with crazy, sugary treats, scary prizes and spooky everything! All translated by my small eyes as: LOVE! She put time, energy, thought, time and SELFISHNESS into being a mommy. Being a good parent, i am seeing, can be pretty much rapped up in that one word. I still have to work on that.

I pray that as my babies look back upon the life of their mommy, that they see a woman that first and foremost loved! Loved them, loved God, loved life and all that He had written for the life He had for her. I pray that they see that despite the pain that came my way, and the heartache that I did not choose nor create: Mommy faced it knowing that she is loved by a God that surpasses our own reasoning, intellect, and our own human ability to love. It was Him. It was Him that carried mommy. It was Him that gave her ability where it looked impossible. It was Him that whispered visions into her ears. It was Him that kept her striving towards hope. It was Him that never did leave her nor forsake her. It was Him. It was always Him. He is so good. He loved my mommy, and I know He loves me!

I know that each of us, as mother's, friend's, daughter's, and wive's desire to leave a legacy worthy of leaving! And I pray it's a desire to leave a legacy that doesn't embellish us .....but instead magnifies HIM! I love you God.

The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the
name of the wicked will rot. ~ Proverbs 10:7

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

{He WiLl NeVeR lEaVe NoR fOrSaKe}

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
~Ephesians 3:20-21

Meditation upon that verse alone can transform every facet of our lives. It encompasses hope. It is all about FAITH. Something I must admit that has been rattled more lately, then in all of my days before. I KNOW that I love Jesus. I know that His word is TRUTH. I know that He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. I can hear my sweet pretty little Mia Brooke saying, "mommy what does forsake mean?" Once more my 6 year old leaves me stumped to know how to answer her in a way she can grasp. A way I can grasp?! So again I am drawn to a source beyond myself....
THE DICTIONARY. (I for one am grateful for it....humble enough to admit I use it often. As I do the thesaurus, and my most favorite-the spell check! Thank you Lord for the person you implanted with that vision! So awesome, and so awesomely needed!!!!!!!!)

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary - Cite This Source - Share This
Forsake For*sake"\, v. t. [imp. Forsook; p. p. Forsaken; p. pr. & vb. n. Forsaking.] [AS. forsacan to oppose, refuse; for- + sacan to contend, strive; akin to Goth. sakan. See For-, and Sake.]
1. To quit or leave entirely; to desert; to abandon; to depart or withdraw from; to leave; as, false friends and flatterers forsake us in adversity.
If his children forsake my law, and walk not in my judgments. --Ps. lxxxix. 30.
2. To renounce; to reject; to refuse.
If you forsake the offer of their love. --Shak.
Syn: To abandon; quit; desert; fail; relinquish; give up; renounce; reject. See Abandon.

As I go through the process of learning how better to answer my sweet baby girl that has a hunger to know this God I speak of, I am also brought to tears as I learn of His most incredible love for me. A love that I have not seen from any human, nor will I ever. He is there always. Really, whether I like it or not...He is there.

Jesus, even when we are going through the fire, YOU are there. Just as you were with Shadrack, Meshack, and a Bumblebee. (Sorry...seen the Veggie Tales one too many times....Abendigo.)
Thank you that you are there. Nothing gets past you, and nothing happens to me, around me, or inspight of me without first going through your Sovereign hands. And how that makes me love you more! You are always Faithful, True, and Good. You are beyond what any person can offer, pretend or try to imitate! You are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me! And as you are in the presence of all of those that have gone before us, that we dearly love and miss, we are left down here knowing this:

Monday, September 8, 2008

{My PuRpOsE}

My childhood was amazing. I played in snow, had access to nature regularly, I had siblings that I loved and knew had my back. I was open, adventuresome, and full of life.... ready for whatever came my way. From a young age, I recall thinking about stuff that seemed less important then the norm to my friends or siblings. Not that I was above them, or anything, just set apart for a different purpose. God has wired Megan with an incredibly tender heart! OK, yes, I am that friend, the one that cries at all the "tear jerker" scenes in movies. Pass the tissues please. And even when I was young, I remember going into a restaurant with my family, and seeing alot going on around me, but always honing in on the person that was sitting and dining alone. The one person that had no one to talk to. No one to look at across the table. I would alert my mom to such a person, and she would ask, "Megan, do you want to go sit with them?" "No", I would say. Thinking -that would feel weird and uncomfortable. There was not a time throughout our meal, however, that I didn't think about that person, and pay close attention to them between bites. (Or between smashing little coffee creamer cups on the floor! Did anyone else do stuff like that, or were my brother, sister and I the only demented ones out there? We used to get such cheap thrills from that. All fun and games until I became a waitress, and was the one cleaning up after all the "fun".) I guess the place where I find myself now, is really not that surprising or out of place......almost purposeful. God calling me, and using me to be a source of His comfort, compassion, mercy, and kindness. What an absolute honor, and incredible responsibility. Not a place you want to be in without the living God indwelling you.

Macsen's exodus Home has brought to light many pieces of a puzzle for me, we might call "purpose". I certainly would not have chosen this path for myself, but I know enough about my Father in Heaven that I know He allowed it because He knows BEST! He loves me and wants to see me soar, that I might glorify HIM.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

This is such a "staple" verse in the Bible, that I am sure many of you reading, already know. If you don't know it though-memorize it! IT IS TRUTH. IT IS FROM GOD. IT IS FOR YOU!He indeed has a purpose for each of us. I know it will not look like what we think it will, but His plan is perfect. His purpose for you, my friend.... is perfect. Let go, and let Him do His thing! We will never regret being in His will! We will never regret living out our PURPOSE!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

{JoHn 3:16}

There is real comfort in knowing that whatever this life hands us, we will never walk through it alone. I remember that morning in December when my heart was broken, and my life was changed forever. It is difficult to describe the "knowledge" that I was not alone even then. I lay in that hospital bed, with a peace that words can't really paint, recalling a movie I had seen just nights before. It was The Nativity Story and I was engrossed in the plot that was certainly no surprise....but was still utterly exciting. As I watched it, I related to Mary closely, as she was with child, so was I. It made the reality of their journey and trials all the more appreciated. I mean, I was sitting on a cushy sofa, with the heat on and far more popcorn then one person should ever want (or have for that matter)....and I was still uncomfortable! Watching her ride rugged terrain on the back of a donkey, little food and less rest, it gave me new eyes to see what is such an amazing event in history.It was the scene when Joseph and Mary make it just in time to the birth place. Mary is crying out in pain, her labor pains growing and growing. The sky seeming to open up and pour out light upon them. As I watched....all I could picture was our Father in heaven, as He look down upon the birth of His only son. The son He already knew and loved and had chosen, in His perfect time, to take on the very sins of this world. My sin.....ALL OF IT! With each caption mounting in the drama of what was taking place, I was literally grief stricken as I attempted to see it through God's eyes. I was so hysterically crying that the movie had to be paused that I might catch my breathe. "I just don't understand!" I said, " I don't understand God? How can He love us so much, that He would allow Jesus to come here, and have His life taken for me and all that I have done?????" As I tried to soke it all in, I thought to myself....I would never give up my child!

So as I lay in the hospital bed, replaying that night to a few brothers and sisters that were there to grieve with me, it's as if God whispered to me....."I knew that you wouldn't give up your child willingly, Megan. So I went ahead and did it for you." Somewhere in there, He is doing it for me, because He loves me! We may never see all that God is doing for us through our trials. Not on this side of glory, that is. But He IS doing something bigger then me. Bigger then you. And we can rest in knowing we aren't going through it alone.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember that God loves you so much, that He willingly gave His son, to take your place that He might be able to spend an eternity with you. I thought I really understood that sacrifice, that night on my sofa. It felt so painful to think of being in the place God was in. Letting go of my son. Only after Macsen went home, did I really, then understand. John 3:16 is far more powerful to me now, then ever before in my life! His love is so great and so strong......HE GAVE HIS SON, JESUS! The same Jesus that now holds my Macsen in His arms! Thank you God for loving me that much. I don't understand it, but I most definately accept it!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

{My KnIgHt In ShInInG aRmOr}

The thought of my son with my Jesus right now is a balm to a very weary, and frankly anxious day. I know what Jesus said, of how we are to be anxious for nothing. To cast all burdens upon Him. But I am without a doubt human. And there for I am in dire need of mind transformation. We all are, no one is without that same need. I often relay something I heard of Billy Graham not too long ago. Bear in mind, i view this man as no less of a human then we all are. But he is one that God has placed much responsibility on, which heightens my respect and interest in him and there for also my eagerness to hear from his years of wisdom. He was asked about his life and what it would be that he might do differently. His response was without hesitation and completely personal experience. "I would have memorized more scripture." He clearly is in no need of doing such a thing to gain respect or position in the eyes of this world. No, rather he knows that hiding God's word in our heart is going to be our saving grace in times of need. Our rescue mission when we are lost. Or my own secret cry- my knight in shining armor that saves me from this dark, hurtful world!

Jesus, you are my King. My savior. The lover of my soul. How I long to know you more fully. Fill me and those that have my same cry, with an unquenchable thirst for your word. A thirst that satisfies, yet drowns us in addiction of your love. You are worthy of our hearts, worthy of our minds, worthy of our very lives. Take them in your gentle hands, and use them for your glory. And on that most precious day, that you ride in on the clouds, I would see you, My King, smiling down on me. My Knight, flying in to rescue me unto His eternal Kingdom...where I am welcomed to His feasting table, only to be ushered to my seat, where beside me is my son, Macsen.
SIGH. Pressing on..............................You are worthy, Lord, of my LIFE!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

{JeSuS tHe OnE aNd OnLy}

My hearts desire is to be devoted to my King. To emanate so much, the love of Jesus, that literally those that I bump into will feel His contagious pull. My heart is so full, and yet so empty to know Him more. How appropriate it is that in the coming weeks my sisters and I will be discovering Him in new ways, through the eyes of Beth Moore, in Jesus the One and Only study. I guess what I mean is, I can honestly say that I am fully in love with Him, but hungry to know Him more then ever in my life! It seems odd to relay that, they seem to cancel each other out. But I truly feel that way inside. After all, His love is so immense, so everlasting that truly "knowing" Him, and "arriving" in the knowledge of Him is something that only our separation from this life, and into death will utterly fulfill! It sounds a bit suicidal, I know,which let me assure you, I most definitely am not! But to know Christ in His entirety, we will have to be with Him in paradise. And so ensues my full-on obsession of reading of Him, singing of Him, thinking of Him, and loving Him until that glorious day arrives. After all, I indeed have a purpose and a plan in this life that is well beyond me and my immediate "comfort". My purpose is to share Him with who are hurting, confused, unsure, sad, alone, and desperately starving for confidence in your eternal rest.

Your place in Heaven with your precious baby.

Your little girl that you crave each night as you go to sleep.

Your sweet boy that you dream of breathing his sweet breathe in your face. I know your pain. I know it, and I know, that were it not for Jesus Christ, and His most capable and loving arms around me and my most outrageous of heartaches......I would be in complete darkness. Alone, and completely without hope. Without hope in Heaven. But to quote from my favorite band, Mercy Me, a song that I so love....

"Hold fast, help is on the way!!!!!"

Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near. Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! James5:7-9