Monday, April 27, 2009

{bEhInD tHe ScEnEs}

So, time has gotten away from me with all the responsibilities of single parenting , taking care of my own health (finally) and doing this ministry and all of it's tasks. Please be in prayer, as behind the scenes, the often lengthy process of becoming a tax deductable organization insue with the ministry. The following is the "narrative" that basically is my "advertisement" to the IRS in revealing the need for this ministry. In case you are wondering....I promise there will be no more " " to irritate you in the following sentences! :) Instead my prayer is that these words will be gripping in the hearts of those that make the decision (swiftly) of this ministry being given a bigger platform. GOD OPEN EYES AND HEARTS AND POUR YOUR SPIRIT OF FAVOR AND COMPASSION ON THEM AS ONLY YOU CAN.......MAY THIS MINISTRY DRAW HEARTS TO YOU AND YOUR LOVE!

The Greatest Blessing Narrative

There is little that can disarm and tear at the heart of an expectant mother like having her baby pass away. Diagnosed with a terminal illness while still in the womb, or stillborn with no explanation, the level of trauma and heartache that she and the family will go through is more then words can really convey. Statistics of this tragic scenario taking place is far more then one might expect. There are 109 stillbirths that happen each day in this country alone. That is over 40,000 babies who’s mothers, and families, will be hurting and struggling to understand, and wade through the sea of emotion that is inevitably to follow. Their faith or lack there of is likely to take the biggest hit of all.

On December 15th, 2007 my world was forever changed as I stepped foot into the hospital, very sure that my son, Macsen Danforth was no longer with us but had made his exodus Home, Home to be with the Lord. My stay at the hospital was long. This was a fairly new experience for me, grief. It was difficult being on the receiving end of so many tears and speechlessness. Even the nurses were unsure what to say or how to say it. Pictures were taken of my boy, and foot and hand casts were made, all a blessing to me in these painful hours. But I also remember being presented a “memory box” from the staff. A box that held no beauty, importance or presence of hope in this Heaven that I was sure my son now lived. I am a very visual person and I don’t only find inspiration and motivation from beautiful things, but I also know now that I find comfort in my grief from it as well. This box I was given was not something that I felt comfort from or saw myself presenting, proudly to anyone that might come to visit. Of course, I was gracious and grateful for the thought, but I recall thinking that this idea could be so much more. Nothing can replace this sweet life that I have had to temporarily say good bye to, but keeping his things somewhere lovely certainly had its place in this pain I was feeling.

When I arrived home from the hospital I became obsessed with finding others out there in the world of internet that had walked this same painful road, and had lived to tell about it. There was much to find, and many that were walking it. But few if any were walking it with the veracious confidence in the place their little ones were now living. Few that clung to the hope in Heaven that we as Christians most certainly have. Day after day passed, all while I gathered mental notes and received a vision to pursue creating the very thing that I was sure would have been comfort to me, a beautiful memory box. It would serve as a perfect example of what my eyes could look upon as a reminder of the place beyond this world that my baby now lived. A place I could look forward to sharing with him one day. I could remind myself of that place when the pain would all but drown me in tears.
I was anxious and driven to construct a box, one more appropriate for my boy and all of his earthly things. It came to me quickly and when I was finished I felt peace about this place I could put all things of Macsen’s, my son.

The genesis of The Greatest Blessing was soon after a reality. One by one I was given news of others that were experiencing this same tragedy and I came along side and served them with what I knew from experience would be some comfort.
As the days passed by I was contacting anyone and everyone that I felt had some kind of item or talent that would be a blessed addition to the box. My first real thought was to add a tea to the box that when consumed would help aid the mommy’s body in halting the lactation process. After saying good bye to your baby, having the constant reminder of the absence of that little one to feed is like reopening the wound over and over. Also accumulated in this box were a journal and pen, a candle for lighting in remembrance, a flaxseed and lavender pillow for warming and holding in times when empty arms are overwhelming. There is also a necklace for mommy with a pendant of a baby’s foot print and also a small gender specific colored baby bracelet. Grief books, angel lapel pin and a note from me. The hope is that eventually, as more and more donors are contacted and burdened to help, that these boxes will be so crammed with therapeutic and loving gifts that the box is a challenge to close.

Initially the thinking was that these boxes would be meant to serve those in my immediate local community, however, after starting the ministry blog and crossing the path of so many other families it has been a real honor to send several boxes back east and in extending cities here is the Pacific Northwest. It is a sadly needed ministry. There are similar ministries out there, but this one is unique in its premise. The box is hand painted and decorated in a heavenly style to help divert eyes off of the temporal and onto the eternal. Not just that, but the thought, heart and experience that has gone into each gift within this box. All selected as I draw from my own heartbreaking loss.

Nothing and no one can bring these little lives back. But there is One that can heal their hurt and reveal to them the purpose He intends for this chosen journey. My consuming prayer is that this memory box and all of its contents will reveal this One to them.
This One that is King Jesus.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

{eNoUgH} I know this might come as a SHOCKER to many of you (it did me....not really), but this world is "worldly" everyday, all the time, and most definitely screaming at anyone that has been called to: The Kingdom and it's furthering. (If any of you are a bit hazy...that would be all of us. Some are just a bit more privy to that reality then others is all).

We are aliens here. The minute that we begin to feel "comfortable" is the minute that I pray for myself, that I would drop to my knees and beg God to send a legion of His angels to hold me up and guide me in my chosen road to journey on.

My heart has suffered much, my eyes have seen more then any should. But losing my baby is the most earthquaking thing that has happened to me to date. I expect that many of you would concur. Many of you out there know that same pain. BUT......WHO creates actual earthquakes? WHO whispers to the volcanoes to show their life? WHO made that baby in your womb to begin with? My point is this- do we honestly want to attempt to live in this world, and all of it's "worldliness" without the power of the Holy Spirit. Without being as close to and in as sync with as absolutely possible? The very spirit that carried those sweet babies Home to a paradise that not even the most vivid of imaginations could dream the same spirit that empowers you and I to live in this foreign land. To live in it in a way that draws many, sings peace, and brings fame to a very real King we all know and love!

This week I am meditating on a song. (I do that alot. I have zero will never tell me I should be on American Idol. Yet some how or another along the way in life, music has become a very important way that in which I convey my heart and "journal" my thoughts.) The song is one you are likely familiar with. It is done often. But when it is sung by young women whom which I know have very similar desires as I, and know this world like we as woman clearly brings even more power to the melody, and to the words.
My God's enough for me!
This world has nothing for me!
He is enough....HE IS!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

{wIlD HoRsEs}

If it were even possible, to tattoo "a song" to your skin, as a way of conveying personal meaning, purpose, or power to you......the song playing would be tattooed all over me.

Wild Horses.....I picture Macsen in paradise with them. Enjoying their company. Their distinct smell and presence. Soaking in their loveliness! An utterly perfect depiction of the place that he now lives.
I grew up on a Morgan horse ranch in Wyoming, so horses are an intricate, strong and beautiful memory in my childhood. One that I replay in my adult mind often. It brings me peace. Horses represent to me youth, beauty, gentleness, peace and freedom in a way that words could never fully convey.

But this song also very much speaks of my love for my Jesus. My love, that inspite of what darkness comes my way, inspite of what storms I am called to swim, inspite of what he gives or takes away from me in this life......Wild Horses could'nt drag me away from HIM.

Jesus,You ARE youth, beauty, gentleness, peace and freedom to me like nothing I have ever tasted before.

When people meet me, I pray that YOU being tattooed all over me, is all that they see!

(Turn the song up loud! It's best that way! Jesus is best that way too.....LOUD)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

{ThEy Do NoT uNdErStAnD}

There is so much in this life that is intended to bring us down.

Satan hates us, by the way. Did you know that? He hates us and all that we represent....God's adored children and the object of His perfect love!

So really, why are we surprised so much dark and horribly wrong things happen here? And then we go and blame no one other then, GOD, of course.....because if He really loved us He wouldn't allow these things to happen. If He were actually real then all of the hurt and pain in this world wouldn't happen as it does. (Are you sensing my sarcasm, because I am laying it on pretty thick!)


It would greatly behoove us all to get our noses in our bibles more then once a week and really read what the pages are saying to us. Really dissect each statement and claim. God is who He says He is.

He is the ALMIGHTY.
He is FOR us and not against us.

All that this life hands us, is handed to us, only after it passes through His Holy and GOOD hands. He does not enjoy seeing us hurt, cry, squirm, suffer, or fear. He is with us always and His desire is for us to hold onto Him and His word. Sometimes that may seem like alot to ask. It does to me sometimes.

To be perfectly real with anyone reading this, I struggle often in REALLY giving it over to Him. I sit by and hold back from saying alot on the topic in circles of other "Christians" (mainly the ones that I am not in intimate and close relationship with). I hold back because I can see in their eyes that they just do not get it. Occasionally you come across a person or two in your life that has the gifting of very much "putting" themselves in your shoes, and they have a depth of compassion that others don't get. I have a few friends like that and I am constantly blessed at their level of doing all that they can to relate and be there for me. BUT, most people hear about your hurts, hear about where God has you and what He's called you to walk, and you feel like they are just looking at you with pitiful eyes thinking: THIS is what you need to do__________ THIS is what I would do_____________ Wow, I know I wouldn't be so removed from knowing what God wants me to do if I were in her shoes. I would do it differently. I would do it BETTER! To put it bluntly, they judge you!

Let me just say,those people.... how do I say this nicely.....they do not get it! They are ignorant, to put it lightly, to what it is exactly that this very bumpy, sad, lonely, and occasionally dark journey looks like. This journey of being called to say good-bye to a child that you never got to know! Or this child that was such a part of this family that we miss so much! Or this little life that we had such dreams for, that was meant to fill my arms with love!


But there is One.....One who does. He is the only One that can fully understand, fully grasp, fully relate, and FULLY HEAL! There is only One- JESUS!

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Isaiah 53:3
Father God, You are all we ever need! My head knows heart struggles though. It is missing a small boy and a marriage that is dissolving before her very eyes. You are capable of all things and you are a giving and loving Father. I ask that you hold close those hurting as they read, (or write) and show up in their life this week in such powerful and tender ways that they and I can get true glimmers of the abundance of life and blessings you have in store for us.
Spur us on to live for you, your glory, your fame, and your
IMMINENT second coming! Hallelujah!
We love us show you just how much!!!!!!!
In Jesus Mighty and matchless name, AMEN!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Death and the grave have no hold on our Jesus!
He is why today is such a celebration!
It is because of today that we have assurance that we will be reunited with our babies!
In Christ alone....we have victory!
Praise you King Jesus!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

{HiM He HiS}

There is something in the air. The winds of change in the spiritual. They are always changing you know?! Heightening as the inevitable day approaches of our Kings return, and the defeated foes demise. Recall that you and I do not know when the Lord is coming to get us....but nor does Satan. He is subject to watching the signs just as we are. And when He sees God showering this world with His spirit and filling His people to overflowing, rest assure that Satan takes notice. And then ensues his "showering".

I feel the "showering" right now. The best way I can explain it is that I feel like I am in this world, but not of it. My citizenship is in Heaven. BUT, I feel pulled and lured like never before in my life. I picture it as if I am wearing a baggy shirt or sweater- so baggy that I can sit and pull it over my knees as I hold them tightlyto my chest. As though I am in a tucked ball position, my head down. Just outside of me, and my sweater, I am being pulled on every side! Some pulls have a bit more force then others, but they are all there, and they are most definitely constant.

I think it can clearly be seen in my latest posts that this might be true. More, I believe to be due to the time of year in which we are in. Alot of "events" happen in these next coming weeks, that have proved in the last year or 2 to be spiritually heavy for me. It's not like me to wallow, sulk or feel depressed. But like I said, these are heavy times in my small world. It's crazy, what this life dishes our way. What places we end up that we never would have predicted. Nor would we have asked for. And I don't like all that I have been facing lately. In fact, if I were real honest, I hate it! But I am in it, and there is only one thing to be done. Walk it, and walk it hand in hand with Him, King Jesus. He doesn't always feel like He is there, but I know He is. I certainly do not know where all of this is leading me either, but He does. He knows it for you as well!

The end of the story, ladies, is a good one! It is loud with victory and shower soaked in His goodness. And we will be with Him for all of eternity! This world can pull, tug, it can whisper it's lies, and offer it's temptations, but at the end of the day, remember who's you are: HIS!
Remember that as you struggle and feel ripped apart......
Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them:
because greater is He that is in you,
than he that is in the world.
1 John 4:4 KJV
(Ye, means you by the way....for anyone out there that needed to have that pointed out. YOU!!!)

Friday, April 3, 2009


Two years ago today, the most important man I had ever known, took his last breathe .

My daddy.

I was extremely close to him. We lived in different states, and I wasn't able to see him as often as I would have liked. You happened: marriage, work, kids etc. But when we would speak on the phone, he seemed to take great joy in speaking to me, hearing about my latest challenges and ideas, and all of life's unavoidable heartaches. We were close and I know he loved me much.

His passing was beyond hard. My first real taste of death and all of it's foul flavor. It also fell at the fragile beginnings of some much needed healing in a relationship I had that had delivered me much betrayal. I was already hurting, and my daddy dieing soon took over all my energies and focus. Grief is so exhausting, isn't it? It hurts like what I imagine a perpetual heart attack being like- You can barely breathe, the pain quite intense in your chest, and you are suffocated completely with anxiety. As difficult as that time was, soon after it's news I was surrounded with hope. (I will get to that in a minute)
My daddy grew up in an home and boarding school that was very Episcopalian. He was unmistakably a cowboy. A marine. A man. A gentle spirit. You could never meet someone more charming, witty, tender, intelligent, kind and enjoyable to be around in all of your life. He is an impossible act to follow, my daddy! But I wasn't certain of his place with God or what kind of relationship he had with Him. (the minute is up now...) That is until the evening before He died, I was told he gave his life to Christ, (Praise God! Prayer works!!!) and therein entered into his eternal home, Heaven.

Thank you Jesus for your mercy.

I miss him beyond words. He was my friend. He was my daddy. He still is my daddy. His residents has changed is all. And as much as I miss him, I am very grateful, really, that he did not have to be here to watch his daughter go through the heartache of her lifetime, her baby passing. I believe that would have been more then his tender heart and his baby blues could bear.

So now, as I bow my head to pray, I often picture my daddy in the presence of a most merciful and loving God. And as he basks in His holiness, he holds his only grandson and they play, sing, and laugh, as they enjoy their new Home.....together!

Wishing I were there.

Missing you daddy! I love you!

Danforth Beal
May 25th, 1929-April 3, 2007
*****Doesn't he look just like the Marlboro man?! Such a stud! That's my daddy!!!*****