Thursday, May 28, 2009

{sHaCkLeS aNd ChAiNs}

Without a doubt summer is here and with it comes HOT! Not my favorite thing in the world, mind you. Being hot, I mean. I like warm sun on my face and occasional swims and frolicking in the rays from time to time, but on an in and out basis, hot is just HOT to me. Not so much a fan.

But there is something I want to be HOT over. I want to be ON FIRE HOT for Jesus! Hot for Him sounds good to me!

In the past year I was under the impression that I was just hurting and eeking through it without a great deal of gain, outside of really knowing that the Lord was with me through it all. And yes, that is definitely something to note, I certainly do not want to come off as ungrateful about that, I so am. But I have just recently also looked back on the past year and seen just how much God has been doing in a way that I never noticed before. Just how much He was doing in and around ME. By that I mean, that through all of the tragedy that I have needed to endure this year, I have let go of strength in Him that has been mine, free of cost and relied on my own feeble ideas of coping, strength, comfort etc. And inspight of stupid choices and fearing trusting Him fully, He has used it to teach me and hopefully grow me more in Him.

In my 20's I boldly professed my faith and then proceeded to waltz around in this world, very much of this world, and making zero quality witness as to what Jesus can and is doing for me and my life. I melded in with everybody else. I wasn't hot or cold. I somehow didn't really know any better. There was no descipling done in my life and it was just good enough to get me in the door! But somewhere along the way, and most certainly after I became a mommy at 27, I had a real road to Damascus moment with God that opened my spiritual eyes forever. It was then that my flesh nature and all the sin that I had committed became neon real to me and it broke my heart. So much so that I repented and sought after God like never before in my life. My sin is what killed Jesus.

But with disappointment after disappointment and tragedy after tragedy, something within my faith world began to darken. And with it darkened my resolve, my heart, and my hope. Soon I was face to face with that flesh nature and all of it's weaknesses. It was whispering to me louder and with much more tenacity then I ever remembered before. It didn't take long to figure out, thank God, that this flesh nature wants me dead.

We all have different "apples". Something that calls to us from the sidelines/garden. It could be drugs, alcohol, sexual temptation, food, power, money, etc. We each have something that wants nothing more then to trip us up and get us off the track to run the race that we have been called to. As my very good friend so poignantly put it as she was describing herself, "I am convinced that my flesh is trying to put me into an early grave!" YOU'RE DARN RIGHT IT IS! (It's in cahoots with Lucifer, you All kidding aside, we are being stalked and Satan's goal is to take us out of the race. The very race that grows us to mature spiritually, and gains God much fame and glory! And if Satan can't kill us, he's happy to push us until we kill ourselves somehow!

I am challenging myself lately to constantly be reminded of the place that I have been saved from. The dark pit that was my dwelling place for far too long. Do you remember yours? It's not to condemn ourselves, or feel sorry for ourselves, but instead to help keep us in a place of shere gratitude for the gift of salvation we have been given. Thank you Jesus for saving me from myself! My prayer is that we, you and I, will be mindful of the shackles and chains that we have had removed at the very costly price of a sinless King that loved us so much....He died for us.


Remember the chains. No need to pick them up again, just....

Run to the cross!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


How do you really begin to express the emotions you feel? What can you really say to paint a picture of what you see through your eyes? Will anybody care? Some days, I feel like nobody does. So it is on thoughs days that you can imagine how sustaining it is to know that my Abba cares. He not only cares, but eagerly longs to know me, be with me, and have relationship with me. He is head over heals in love with me you know? (Did you know He is with you too? It's true)

He longs for that love from you too.
From everyone.
So I don't understand how anyone could want to turn that down? When we look upon all of the blessings He has so graciously given each of us. All paling in comparison of course with the cross!

My life has not existed that long. I mean, I am relatively speaking,still young. (Even if some days I don't feel so young! : ) Yet in that small spance of time, I have managed to "live" life and really pack it chalk full of everything and all that this world has to offer. (And I do mean all!) So I guess I am bias in my hope in Christ and in my love for Him and His boundaries/plans/promises! I have a great deal to compare it to you see.....and every bit of it comes up wildly short! It is all full of lies, half truths, empty promises and it's all perfectly wrapped up with the finishing touch: a bow of guilt, shame, regret, and hopelessness.

I have not lived a sheltered life and read about these chains of bondage in the scriptures while scratching my head to understand their weight.

I have worn the chains. I know the weight they bear.
I have scars to prove it....
I like to call them beauty marks. : )

I am not some doofus Christian that walks around thumping my bible. I think I am actually a tinge cool from time to time, even. As long as I don't try to be anyhow. (Oh, didn't you know Christians could be cool?) In fact, in all of my life I have met many "cool" people by the worlds standards and hands down the top 10 are ALL Christians. *****GASP**** I know. You might need to sit down for that.
This post isn't going to be outrageously profound or be my gut wrenching and raw testimony or anything. I simply wanted you to get to know me, a little bit better. I am, after all, just a girl, with a heart for family, life, love...for God. Maybe next time, we can grab a cup of Joe together and learn even more about each other.......

They both HAD to be Mary for the harvest party. So sweet! My beautiful girls!

This pic so depicts my ladies unique personalities!

If it's white, I paint it! totally in my element with paint brush in hand! Those jeans have been involved in much creativity! they are likely what I am wearing whenever I am creating a box!Maybe your box?!

Good morning bed heads!

This is the last family picture taken of us.
All 5 of us. :(

White roses are my favorite flower ever! God gave me these!

These are our very best friends, Valerie and David Allen.
They live much too far away! I miss you! (I am very pregnant with my Macsen in this shot)Helllloooo Val! Love you!

BFF's (precious)

Maizy Bly: my child of light!

Birthday party planning is one of my many creative joys! Happy birthday miss Mia!

Their daddy......and little Mia,1.

Sugar lips Maizy. I can't help but see pics of these girls
at around this age of 1 and not try to envision what brother would look like. No less cute, certainly!

Macsen's hand and foot cast on a display table at his memorial. So grateful to have these!

Pink Christmas tree in my girls room.....OF COURSE!

You will rarely find me NOT in my boots.

The hardest day of my life.....

After going through alot of my pictures, I was sad at just how few there were of me and my girls. (A little sad too at just how disorganized it all is too, argh!) Before I had kids I was a total ham in front of a camera! Since becoming a mommy, I've been the one taking the pictures, not posing for them.
I'm gonna start getting in front of the camera more!
More pictures of ME!
Living life!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

{I jUsT lOvE tHaT wOrD}


Just the word alone has such beauty to it. Then you read it's meaning.

 /feɪθ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [feyth] Show IPA
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

I have such a thing for words. Their meaning, and how they are used. Faith is a great word. It is a great thing! It is something that I have that I can honestly say, I would never want to live without. So you can imagine how hard it has been to have several trials come my way in the last several years that have caused it to wain more then ever in my life.

As you read the definition, however, it is a very good reminder of what we need to recall. (What I need to recall) Believing does not always have proof to back it up. So often God is at work, hard work, all around us and we simply cannot see yet what He is fashioning in our behalf. But rest assured He is never on vacation. He doesn't sleep, and His eyes are constantly on us. Now when we are in the throws of sin, that statement might make us squirm a bit. But as a single mommy, raising 2 very bright and beautiful little girls that is a suffocating comfort.

I want to be known as a person of great faith. I desire to have it be infectious in all that I do, and all that I am called to go through.

The most powerful and lovely prayer I had ever heard in my life was one that I read just days after my Macsen's exodus home. I may have mentioned before in past posts, I can't remember. I spoke of it at his memorial. But I know that in God's love for me, I am sure the timing in which I came upon it was His ordaining indeed. He loves me so much. (Sometimes I just don't get that!) The prayer is what keeps me going on blue days. Blue days that I would rather just lie in bed and stare at my baby. This picture is a photo of the actual wall in my bedroom that I wake up to everyday. I co-slept with all of my babies. It was such a treasure to wake up to little faces, sweet baby breath and cute coos.......but I didn't get to do that with my Macsen. So this was the next best thing. At least I can wake up looking at him, right?! is God's prayer to you......

God- I so wanted to hold him/her in my arms

and tell him/her all about you.

But, since that wasn't in your plans for us,

I pray you hold him/her in your arms

and tell him/her all about me!

I want God to tell Macsen how very good mommy is! How FAITHFUL, true, and devoted to Him she is being. I pray that for all of us. Remember what we are told in scripture:

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

~1 Peter 1:6-7

Faith.....I just love that word.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

{iMaGiNe Me}

One of the most amazing women/people/disciples/ friends that I know shared this song with me some time ago. It was powerful those many months ago....
but it really SINGS to me now, tonight, in this season of life.
This life of mine at it's current evaluation? what can you say- whooh....
It does have a happy does.
Listen to the words closely.....these words are my hug from God tonight. (tears)
I pray they are for you too!
Imagine me. Imagine YOU!

Monday, May 11, 2009

{dOuBlE wHaMmY}

As if yesterday wasn't hard enough.... it is also my wedding anniversary?!*!@*!? Ya, I know.

You just don"t get much more Jerry Springer Show then that, do ya? LOL. Whatever.....really the timing is a sad joke, isn't it? (I mean, you have to keep a sense of humor in this world though. Truly!)

I had to process each of these things, slowly, and one at a time. (Mother's Day and anniversary I mean) So now for my guts being laid out about how royally sucky it is that I sit here on my 8th wedding anniversary, completely estranged from my husband who moved out 5 short months after our boy went Home. He is sure he is completely beyond any issues he came into this marriage with (we both had them), and POSSIBLY willing to reconcile provided I #1. pretend like nothing has ever happened to destroy my trust, #2. ignore the fact that he treats me with no respect and love for all that God made me to be (Because after all....I am knowing how very human and imperfect, flawed, ugly at times and certainly self seeking on occasion I am and can be. But, HENCE NEEDING JESUS- IMMENSELY!!!)
To which I say to him:

I love Megan. She has been through ENOUGH already.

She is above rubies. (Proverbs 31:10) PERIOD. I could swim through rivers of scripture and give dozens to convey and defend what I am to EXPECT in a Godly marriage, but that one sums it up perfectly. And I certainly KNOW that I have had my fair share of "issues" in this as well. A lot was brought in heavy trunks to this marriage. (baggage I mean)All that to say-

I have not been treated above rubies. BUT....

I WILL, one day. I will wait for that.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,
plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11

{That's for me! And I BELIEVE!}

As I told him weeks ago...."I am waiting for FIREPROOF". To which he said, "Sounds hot". (hardee har) He has not even sat and watched the movie?!

Michael- I forgive you. With my heart, mind and soul. I suck at best at communicating to you how I feel and what I mean, but I do know this: I have never heard God more clearly then when He told me these things:

This is to be your husband.

Forgive him.

Forgive him again.

God is like that. It isn't me, and I am sure ME has gotten in the way in much of this along the way......
BUT- I do forgive you.

{ H a p p y A n n i v e r s a r y }

I wonder what Macsen is thinking,
in the arms of The Most High as he looks down upon us tonight?

His aim is now clearly, HIS aim. Shouldn't we make it ours?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

{dEaR mOmMy}

So here we are, Mother's Day, and yet many of us are celebrating it without the children that gained us that very title. Seems so wrong, words cannot express. But my hope is that we simply remember where they are.
To remember who they are with.

God has me burdened for hurting mommies, and I so want to give to and share hope with them, in whatever way I can be used. Weeks back God gave me the idea of writing a certain letter. A letter similar to the kind you hear read by a "little one from camp". Only this letter is from your little one, from beyond this world.

It is a letter from heaven.

I always know when what I have written is straight from the Holy Spirit because it takes me no time and even less effort to pen it. (Or type it as the case may be.) This letter was nothing short of all of that. It took 2 minutes flat to write and when it was done I was hushed with peace as the tears streamed down my cheeks.

Tears of joy for this place our babies now live.

Many moms that I have had the honor to serve and many I have been blessed to cross paths with will be recieving in the mail this letter for Mother's Day. If you are one that did not get one, I do apologize. I did my best to get them into the hands of all of you. However, I offer in place of an actual mailed card, this very post. Take it personally. Commit it to memory.........and a
Happy Mother's Day to ALL of us!

Dear mommy,

Guess what? I love you! I have wanted to tell you that for a while now. You’re so pretty and so smart….I brag about you to everyone here! Everyone, by the way, is so great! I feel so loved and accepted. This place is beautiful beyond words. I am surprised everywhere I look! Something new, unexpected and lovely is around every corner.

There is the most beautiful singing here too mom. Angels never stop! They sing so powerfully and pure. All you want to do is join in with them.
Oh, did I tell you that I love you? Life here is good mommy! I smile and laugh all day long. (That is when I am not singing at the top of my lungs to God) Did I tell you about Him? Mom…..HE IS AMAZING! Practically indescribable! BIGGER, STRONGER, MORE LOVING, AND YET GENTLER then anything I could ever imagine! When I am with Him I am Home. He IS Heaven. He is love. He holds me sometimes and talks to me about you.
He loves you so much!

And Jesus….did I tell you about Him? He’s indescribable too! Prefect really! He plays with me ALL the time. He never says NO! He is always ready to spend time with me. He sings over me and holds me close! Did you know He does that for you too? He wanted me to tell you He is proud of you. He wants to walk and talk with you more! Please let Him mommy. He will give you the power and peace that I can feel here too!

Oh Mommy….I love it here! I can’t wait to show you around your future Home! Jesus told me that where you are isn’t your home. Remember that mommy! He said when you press on and do good, He is storing crowns for you here. And they are beautiful crowns mommy! Sparkly and shiny…..those that come here throw them at His feet and the angels get even louder! Jesus just loves it! (I want my mommy to have the most crowns of all! Keep pressing on!)

Mommy I love you. Thank you for working so hard to help make me! You , daddy and God did such a good job! But as good of a job as you did, I am NOW even MORE perfect! I look a lot like Jesus now mommy!
Please remember how much I love you. We will be together soon! The best way you can love me NOW though, is to love who is caring for me. Love Him with ALL of your heart!
( It sounds like He’s the only thing worth loving down there anyway!)
Ok…well I better go. Jesus is so anxious to spend time playing with me! (He never sleeps!)

Mommy I can’t imagine being loved more! I am in such good hands! And I will see you soon mommy. Jesus and I are praying for you!
Until we meet again….remember I am loving you from Heaven….

~your baby

The Greatest Blessing Ministry © All Rights Reserved

My sweet daughters Maizy 3, and Mia 6 busily worked their best penmanship and signed the cards with the baby's name/names. It was a beautiful touch and certainly made them feel important in helping make hurting mommies feel better,
and being a part of their baby brothers ministry.
(We love you sweet Macsen! Don't wear Jesus out too much......
when we get there we want to play with Him too! XO)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Come quickly King Jesus....

Saturday, May 2, 2009

{wE nEeD eAcHoThEr}

Ok, so yes I am their mommy- BUTT this picture of my babies cute butts is THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! My sweet friend Amy is a professional photographer, (shocker, I know) and she took us out for a photo shoot months back and this was one of many of the gems captured.

When I look at this shot it brings so much to mind. The closeness clearly shared between them is needless to say, powerful. Often as this journey of life unfolds, it is becoming more and more clear to me that we not only need God, but we need each other. I think about the minutes, and hours and days after Macsen went Home and how surrounded and loved I felt by God's people. I was cared for and loved on in selfless ways that NOTHING and NO ONE had shown me before in my life! Yet, there was nothing other then every one's exterior appearance (skin color, features, builds, etc) that could have clued an on-looker to the fact that these people were not "family".

What they did not know, is that they indeed were, and of a "family" that has the best daddy/Abba in all of the world! Even if His will was for my son to live there instead of here.... He is good ALL the time!

We have this "family" that we need! God uses our hands and feet to support each other, love each other and comfort each other.

Can I encourage you out there to LET them! Let them love you and care for you! By the same token BEING His hands and feet is what we are called to be as well! From personal experience, it has been monumental in healing my broken heart! Providing comfort using my gifts and talents to maybe ease the pain of others is more of a gift to me actually!? What a paradox?!

Giving when something has been taken.

Sharing when you feel like you have nothing to share.

Helping when you so often feel like you need help.

We need each other.....I hope to hold your hand and walk the rocky cobblestone path we've been called to. I can promise you that one day soon, it will transform into streets of gold.

And this long, hard and mundane walk will no doubt turn to a joyful skip!