Monday, December 21, 2009

{FaiThFul ChRiStMaS}

Rest assured that I will never cease to be outrageously honest in whatever I write, for as long as I am given a stage to do so. And so, appropriately, to be BRUTALLY honest, this Christmas hurts. The tree lights are on, but I am walking through a great deal of darkness right now. The Christmas music is playing loud and clear, but my heart is broken. The festivities are taking place, but I am wishing I were locked away from everyone and that the holidays were over already. (If you knew me would know that that is a far cry from who I am. I AM the biggest goober for Christmas that there ever was! At least I used to be....)

Absolutely I miss Macsen. He is so worthy of the incredible void I feel, even as I mommy these sweet girls. I look at them and love them so, but missing him is ALWAYS there.
I have a little boy! A boy that I would love to be tackling in the living room. Love to be dressing like a little athlete. Love to be teaching how to treat a lady, from the "yes mam's", to the "thank yous". And so, so much more......

Macsen....I miss you. ***crying*** My life is so different because of you, and your life. So much more pain, and yet, I am so much better for how it has all played out within me. I wanna see your eyes open up and SEE ME! Your mommy! I wish I could hold your handsomeness in my arms, and talk to you. Rock you to sleep......I love doing that. I love you....

The reality is... life is hard. And to be honest and transparent (cause why on earth be anyway else?) here it goes..... my marriage is finally all but over.
Faithful is something that he is incapable of being, apparently. My heart feels like it is in perpetual break-mode. My future is foggy. I am truthfully, scared. Unsure. Hesitant. Ten years of my life, gone. Do I seriously picture myself EVER putting myself "out there" again, and GIVING my heart to someone so transparently as I have in this? I am trembling at the thought of that tonight......

But the thought of not loving someone, not being intimate....

I think that scares me more. I love LOVE. I have only known it twice, and I think I have only really received it once!? From a man I mean......and it wasn't this man or this marriage. How sad is that....

Here's the deal: Life sucks sometimes! (I should create a line of greeting cards with stuff like that in it! LOL Because lets get isn't all picket fences and candy canes for some of us all the time! Call it: Feelin' Like Crap Cards ...I am atleast laughing at that! Anyone else....?).

I know that I want to go out having been someone that dreamed big, lived large, gave herself up for, believed the best in people and loved unabashedly! I can still do that. I can pick myself up, lean in on my VERY big God, and with the strength, vision, and faith that He gives on! And live to see a happy ending one day.

I know Christmas is much more then being about my comfort and everything being like a Martha Stewart Magazine party. But I do know it is all about me! It's all about YOU too.... and all about the greatest love that has ever, or will ever be shown anyone of us! He gave us His only son. I can imagine, and imagine well, that that was not easy. May we all grasp it, grip it, and glory in it this Christmas....what a price has been paid that we might know you God?! And know you well! That's what you long for....

You .....who are SO FAITHFUL!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. ~Lamentations 3:22-23
Jesus....that you would leave Heaven to come to know where I dwell and hurt....what love. But that you would take my in the world could I not be smitten with you and all that you are!


Jennifer Ross said...

YES.... I would buy "Feelin' Like Crap Cards" in a second.

I'm really going to go out on a limb here.... really trusting anybody that may read this comment.... asking for their prayer rather than judgment.

My marriage really REALLY sucks! There are things that have happened in this marriage that people would just feel sick over if they heard. I am a "Christian" woman. I am giving my all to the Lord and being the best mom that I can possibly be. I love the Lord with all of my heart. So I really do pray that this comment on my marriage doesn't make me "look" bad.

My mom always said that it was better to be alone rather than wishing you were alone. I couldn't agree more. I wish I was alone. I wish I had peace. I do pray that my husband would "get-it-together," but at this point it's going to take the Lords Will and my husbands willingness to turn his life around.

You would think that after loosing a child and almost loosing Ezekiel in my pregnancy, that he would have seen life in a different way, but it has not done anything to him, or at least it has never shown.

I wish that I were alone, but will continue to pray for my husband. I'm on the verge of not caring about my marriage anymore, but still praying for a miracle, because I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I will be praying for you Megan, I hurt with you.... if I "pop" into your head at all, please throw in a prayer for me.

(If you want to talk sometime, please e-mail me, rather than commenting on my blog about this subject. I don't know what he would say or do, if he knew that I was reaching out to other women with my problems.)


Holly said...

What a hard Christmas. I'm sorry that your marriage is over and I have no doubts you tried hard to make it work. Praying for you!!

Trennia said...

Merry Christmas!