{mErRy ChRiStMaS}

After a good cry, and alot of feeling sorry for myself, I gained my composure and became settled with the idea of starting out into the world to find "Christmas" again for my home. (For those who are a bit confused, read the preceding post....but grab the tissues before you do. Hee, hee)

Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned that along with my beautiful Christmas tree, within THAT, box also lay to rest my lovely door swag. The one I created with my own two little hands. One that I looked forward to year after year, hanging proudly for all to see upon entering my home. Gone.....gone forever.

As I perused the craft stores, I was disheartened at all the, well how do you say this nicely.....JUNK! Even my faithful Goodwill wasn't coming through for me. I actually, out of desperation grabbed whatever was remotely "doable" that I saw. Because really, the thought of having nothing {spectacular} on and in my house for Jesus' birthday is about as ghastly to me as having white walls! I could just faint at the thought......(as I fan myself)

I came home, and in my usual way, dove in with absolutely zero idea what I hoped the end result to be. Now bear in mind, this usually ends up in a very awesome result. One that is no less of a surprise to me then it is any audience I may have. And I certainly accredit it in no way to myself, but completely to God. He is after all the One that gave us all of our talents, gifts, brains, ideas etc. Nothing good that comes from me, is me. It is HIM. HIM alone. And He....gives me some pretty fantabulous ideas! Really!

Anyhow....a little glue gun here. A little antiquing glaze there. Never forget the Modge Podge......
and VUALA! (I don't speak French so do not expect proper spelling. For goodness sake i can't even spell in English.)

Without further ado.....I present to you, my welcome to you and yours this Christmas-via my front door.......









This angel image is one I hold near to my heart. It is the first my eyes saw and was really able to connect with after my sweet little man went Home. The image has been inducted into "The Greatest Blessing" logo Hall of Fame. It is an image I often use on my memories boxes for other mommies to help them remember what is really at the core of being a mommy: our babies safety, happiness, and well being. (BTW.....the door just so happens to be the precise color of the angels glorious gown. Someone has become a bit OBSESSED with dark teal. She will remain nameless) My girls obviously see this image alot, and it is understood in our home, that the baby in that tender angels arms is their brother, my son, Macsen. We see that image and it conveys peace, reminds us of our hope and is a constant reminder of who NOW holds our loved little one....... KING JESUS.

This Christmas I am reminded of the beautiful place my boy is as He looks down upon his family. As I work diligently to keep my girls eye's on The Reason for The Season, and explore my creative juices to help create memories for them to look upon their eventual past Christmas' with longing. As I am in this world, and not of this world, praying for their physical and spiritual safety and security, I am humbly reminded that my baby Macsen, has all of those things and so very much more. And he has them in an abundance that I can not fully imagine nor fathom. He is after all, in Paradise.

Home.

To all of us who are in this world, and heartbroken for the ones that have gone before us to Paradise. For mommy's and daddy's heartbroken in this season of promise. Remember this promise......they are now perfect! Let us take our pain, use it to help others and pour it out as a drink offering to the only one worthy, Lord Jesus. The best babysitter a mommy could ask for. Helping someone else, even in little way has brought more healing to me then I can really convey to you in appropriate words. Our loved one's are so happy. It's the one's down here that are so desperately hurting and need our help, as God uses us to be His hands and feet.

Macsen Danforth Gebhardt arrived Home on December 15th, 2007

Gone but not forgotten.

Missed, but to be with again......

Mommy loves you angel baby!

Merry Christmas!

By the way....have I told you how proud I am of you! Atta' boy!

P.S. Project #2: THE Christmas tree...... big reveal COMING SOON!

{nEw BeGiNiNgS}

Because my son was born into Heaven on December 15th of last year, it is needless to say that Christmas will possess elements that words can not express. My mind starts to go down the dark road of telling me that Christmas will be worse now. That it is forever to be a time to relive the heartache that came my way, by highlighting that which I do not have, my son. My Macsen. Negativity starts in the mind, and that is also where negativity needs to die, in the mind. But that takes effort. It takes crying out to God to reveal truth to us.


The other night my little light, Maizy and I thought it was the perfect time to pull out Christmas "stuff" to start inventorying our "decorating-plan-of-attack". Upon opening the first bin, however, our excitement and zeal were quickly met with "death " . The smell of death that is. Apparently, not the sharpest of minds packed up our Christmas stuff last year (myself included). I mean, we were after all GRIEVING THE SWEETEST BABY BOY EVER! It stands to reason that things got over looked and packed unnecessarily. In the middle of the box was my Thanksgiving cornucopia....filled with what were once multi colored corn cobs. well, they may look "dried-out" to the human eye, but they are indeed packed with moisture. As this damp, moldy, musty, and rusted box of "DEAD" Christmas decorations proves. And would you believe, there in the midst of all of this foul smell, was my very dear to me, Christmas tree. Dear to me for so many reasons. It was the tree that my husband and I bought early in our marriage. It was there when our oldest, Mia, now 6, was new to the world. It was there when Maizy, now 3, was a new arrival . And....it was there throughout my pregnancy of sweet Macsen. Just as it was there when I came home from the hospital. In fact, I often tell about my old friend, the Christmas tree, that I came home to, and literally just sat and stared at for like 2 weeks after Macsen went to live with the Lord.

This tree was mine. It was familiar, it was tradition, it was a part of my last days with Macsen. It was part of my life.

Well, I often hear that really letting emotion take hold, and breaking down in front of your children is really not good. But guess what, I'm human!( I know....a shock!) I could not help myself in that moment. I was as surprised by it as little Maizy was. I was a wreck. The tears were so big, and so full of feeling. ( For those that aren't understanding: THE TREE IS RUINED! Not all the Lysol in the free world could have revived our friend, Christmas tree. And really, who wants a tree that smells like "Garden Mist"? Not exactly conveying a Christmas ambiance with that gem sittin' front stage in your living room!) Maizy was such a lover though. She brought me Kleenex and cleaned my tears, and said with such youthful optimism..."It's ok momma....we'll just get another one!" (Clearly my 3 year old isn't up to speed on the economy and looming DEPRESSION on our hands! MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON "TREES" , KID!) J/K......Oh, what I wouldn't give for that mind set! She teaches me so much everyday! My teacher.....THE 3 YEAR OLD! Go figure!)

Not only was she loving on me, but per usual, the Holy Spirit was faithful to as well. I wanted so badly to curl up in the fetal position and soak in this depressing moment. But the Holy Spirit whispered to me in between "feeling sorry for my self wales": " Megan, that life is gone....dead. I am doing a new thing in you. Around you. A new, fresh life awaits you. One that will be lasting, more beautiful and beyond your wildest dreams! Exceedingly and abundantly more......."

sigh........

Allowing hurt to be there is actually God's way of "molding" us into His image. I hate hurting, as I am sure you do as well. But if we avoid it, if we run from it, we miss the message, the blessing, the "growth".


Christmas tree.....I say my good byes to you. You were there for a life that helped to create me from a selfish young women into a woman that desires her children to live. To not just live, though. To live with purpose, peace and hope in their home. To live for that which you represented to me in this house hold: warmth, life, legacy, beauty, reflection, celebration and ultimately love! Thank you for your place in this life of mine.....but God has new plans for this life. Fresh plans, fresh starts, fresh cuts....(even if they are artificial and bought at JCPenny. God is God....He can use anything, and will! Just look at me.....I'm a perfect example! Thank you God. I love you!)


This picture is such a poor depiction of what I was blessed to look at so many nights.
It is a celestial/Heavenly feast......BUT....God has something EVEN better ahead!!!!!!! Bye Christmas tree.....thank you- for you.

{UnMatChaBLe lOvE}

"USE ME!" These words, are by no means, words you would use to anyone you encounter, here on earth. In this world, and on this earth....people don't need to be given an invitation to "use you". Instead they go for it like they are entitled to it! Disgusting! Could you be more the antithesis of our Lord and Savior then that? I think not! But here we are. You and I who have indeed been used. Called to be in the world, but not of the world. Are we standing out? Are we so bright that all that sit by and watch not only need to pull out their "shades" to be near, but want to upgrade those "shades" so that they can draw closer? I have to admit....I haven't been as bright as I know God wants me to be. My life, outside of my son playing 'hookie' in being here, and going straight to paradise ,(btw....he is so gonna get it when He sees his momma....the attack of the kisses that is! blessed little man!!!) has been trialsome and hurtful. Likely though, I have some kindred spirits out there that so know what I am saying!

When we become Christians, there is absolutely nothing in the word that proclaims to us...."ALAS....ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER. YOU ARE GOING TO ALWAYS FEEL FAVOR AND BLESSING, AND HURT WILL COME TO YOU NO MORE!" Quite the contrary....Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart....I have overcome the world."

I don't know about you.....but I am following the One that has overcome the world !!!!! The ONE that can give PEACE that passes all understanding. The ONE that will never leave me nor forsake me. The ONE that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And the ONE, that gave His only begotten son, that whoever believed in Him would not parish but have everlasting life!

Do you know Him?Do you follow Him? Because if you do not, let me promise you, that you are missing the best thing this world could ever have. No sweet car will fill you, no nice office,no great outfit (tried 'em all), no lover, no "thing" can take the place of the only thing we were meant to live for, love and serve....JESUS CHRIST. He is the real deal, and sparing you all some serious, Sex in The City/Real World/General Hospital/ Jerry Springer details.......JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY OXYGEN-ADDICTION-LOVER-ENTERTAINMENT that any of us need. Please believe it from a girl that learned it the hard way, and is one that would gladly join her that washed His feet with her tears, and dried it with her hair! No human could fathom desiring you more then how you are desired by HIM! take Him up on His offer. He loves you so much, that He died for you! UNMATCHABLE LOVE!

{tHe SaMe YeStErDaY, tOdAy, AnD tOmOrRoW}

There is a lot about myself that I have chosen to keep close. I am mostly a very transparent, open person, more concerned with truth then image . But none the less, there are things I hold to myself. Only God and I can see into this delicate "jewel" box I have, where I hold these precious and personal things. One of those things is the place of joy, serenity and peace that I always felt spending time alone with my babies. Every stage of growth these little people have been in have blessed me, don't get me wrong. But, for me, there is a place that I would go with them, when they were in what I call the "tiny days" (i.e. birth-15ish months) that I would find myself literally swept away from this world, and all it's darkness. In those moments I could get lost in a way I have only felt similarly as being swept into a strong, anointed worship song. Or when I am in a bible study, where the "image" factor dissolves, and suddenly you are listening in on the hearts and minds of others....just like you, only on a path you haven't walked, yet somehow "get". Those "tiny days" go by so quickly. On especially hard days, those moments with those babies, and time in prayer to God, were all that got me through.

To say I don't think about all the "tiny days" I missed out on with my only son would be a lie. How different they likely would have been. More rambunctious. Louder. Messier. And in some ways, possibly sweeter. Sweeter, because for the first time I would be getting a very fresh, new, and up-close view at the life of being a boy. A boy, and all that being a boy has to offer. But to all those thoughts I say, "ok, maybe. Sure they would have been different. Yea, it's hard to know I have been without. Now add those thoughts, though to the mind-blowing perk of experiencing them for the first time in paradise!" (What do you think of them apples?) Suddenly what I don't have, looks more and more like a reward!

My own mortality has never been more palatable in all of my life. Death is real, and is indeed something we all will not get out of. The ultimate statistic.....ten out of ten people die. What are we going to do with our lives? Pretend like we know what is best for us, and do what best suits our "feelings"? Or rely on a God who knows us better then we know ourselves.....surrender to Him, die to ourselves, that we might gain life?! Live for other people, to serve them and not be served. It all sounds very backwards from this worlds standards....but this world is fickle, selfish, hurtful, vein, unfaithful and thank God, it's temporary. This world lies and lies some more.

THANK YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE FATHER. YOU ARE THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW. AS A CREATURE OF HABIT AND ONE THAT HAS A HEART THAT CAN BE HURT, AND SO VERY MUCH IS, I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR TRUENESS. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR DEVOTION. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR LOVE. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FAITHFULNESS. HELP ME LIVE A LIFE THAT EXEMPLIFIES ALL OF THOSE SAME ATTRIBUTES. SHOW ME THE PATH YOU CHOOSE ME TO WALK, AND GIVE ME YOUR SPIRIT, THAT OTHERS WOULD BE DRAWN TO YOU, AND DESIRE ALL THAT YOU ARE. YOUR DEATH, SWEET JESUS, IS CLEARLY WORTH SEEKING AFTER TRUTH, DIEING TO SELF, AND STANDING FIRM IN FAITH. HELP ME WITH MY LACK OF FAITH! I KNOW YOU CAN.....I KNOW YOU WILL! YOU, WHO ARE THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW. WORTHY IS THE LAMB!

{tHiS jOuRnEy I aM oN}

This journey I am on, is mine. It is one with characters I would not have chosen for it, it has chapters I would have much rather deleted, and it has climaxes that have been gripping me right to the very end. I take a great deal of comfort in knowing, however, that my story, my journey, is not yet done.

I can look back on my life and see so much mercy it even now causes me to shake my head with disbelief. What radical living I did. Not radical in a good sense, but radical in it's complete selfish, destructive and ungrateful aroma. Living for myself, no matter the cost. Doing as I please, because "I pleased". Coming and going when and where I chose to. Thinking of no one other then myself.....and coming to the end of the day and scratching my head in confusion,as to why I wasn't feeling fulfilled? Until....

One day the Lord visited me in a very public and very shameful moment in my life. I will never, as long as I live forget what I heard Him say to me. He said, "Megan.....you, yes, you.....are sooooo much more then this. I have something for you that is far greater then anything you have known! You are mine, and this is so beneath you!" Well, if you have ever heard the very voice of God speak as clearly to you,as I did in that moment, you know how it is all you can do to comprehend it, let alone react to it! But, react I did. I listened to Him, and I had no reason not to believe Him, and to this day, still do not. Everything He is, says, does, and has for each and everyone of us, is all for us, because of His great and endless love for us! The key is getting past the, "well then why....?" questions, and the, "well if only......?"

That was the beginning of a very slow, sometimes rocky journey of faith in following Him. What else is there, really I thought? I remember, my brother, Angus would hear what I would have to say, or see me do something faith oriented, and say, "Megan....you are a zealot!" At the time, I was sord of offended, although my ignorance to it's meaning kept me from too much offense. But looking at it now, (and in all my most profound, grounded and sound theological thinking, NOT) I think, "Thank you! Whatever in the world could be more important then seeking out the One who is the very reason my heart beats?"

And as this journey of mine continues to unfold, I face the extreme reality of my only son's exodus Home. I face it with a choice before me....1} I can curl up in the fetal position, run from what God is doing in this, and how He might use this hurt to bring Himself glory or 2} I can embrace it and be submissive to Him using me and my experience to help others. To quote one of my most beloved bible teachers, and a hero in the faith, Beth Moore:

"Every time we suffer loss, we have an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed."

FATHER GOD, USE ME, USE MACSEN, USE MY VERY LIFE AND THE GREATEST BLESSING TO BRING YOU MUCH GLORY, THAT YOU, JESUS WOULD BE REVEALED. MAY OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN CALLED TO THIS PATH OF GRIEVING THEIR CHILD WOULD COME TO KNOW YOU, AND YOUR UNMATCHABLE LOVE FOR THEM. OPEN MY HEART AND EYES TO THE VISION YOU HAVE TO DRAW CLOSE TO THE HURTING, AND REVEAL TO THEM YOUR CAPABLE, SAFE, AND FAITHFUL ARMS. TO YOU BE THE GLORY, FOREVER, AND EVER. AMEN

This journey I am on is mine.......and I wouldn't trade it for anything! (I have Heaven waiting for me....why would I? And my sweet little man to hold there! I will see you soon Macsen! I love you! Keep praying for mommy!)