Thursday, November 20, 2008

{nEw BeGiNiNgS}

Because my son was born into Heaven on December 15th of last year, it is needless to say that Christmas will possess elements that words can not express. My mind starts to go down the dark road of telling me that Christmas will be worse now. That it is forever to be a time to relive the heartache that came my way, by highlighting that which I do not have, my son. My Macsen. Negativity starts in the mind, and that is also where negativity needs to die, in the mind. But that takes effort. It takes crying out to God to reveal truth to us.

The other night my little light, Maizy and I thought it was the perfect time to pull out Christmas "stuff" to start inventorying our "decorating-plan-of-attack". Upon opening the first bin, however, our excitement and zeal were quickly met with "death " . The smell of death that is. Apparently, not the sharpest of minds packed up our Christmas stuff last year (myself included). I mean, we were after all GRIEVING THE SWEETEST BABY BOY EVER! It stands to reason that things got over looked and packed unnecessarily. In the middle of the box was my Thanksgiving cornucopia....filled with what were once multi colored corn cobs. well, they may look "dried-out" to the human eye, but they are indeed packed with moisture. As this damp, moldy, musty, and rusted box of "DEAD" Christmas decorations proves. And would you believe, there in the midst of all of this foul smell, was my very dear to me, Christmas tree. Dear to me for so many reasons. It was the tree that my husband and I bought early in our marriage. It was there when our oldest, Mia, now 6, was new to the world. It was there when Maizy, now 3, was a new arrival . was there throughout my pregnancy of sweet Macsen. Just as it was there when I came home from the hospital. In fact, I often tell about my old friend, the Christmas tree, that I came home to, and literally just sat and stared at for like 2 weeks after Macsen went to live with the Lord.

This tree was mine. It was familiar, it was tradition, it was a part of my last days with Macsen. It was part of my life.

Well, I often hear that really letting emotion take hold, and breaking down in front of your children is really not good. But guess what, I'm human!( I know....a shock!) I could not help myself in that moment. I was as surprised by it as little Maizy was. I was a wreck. The tears were so big, and so full of feeling. ( For those that aren't understanding: THE TREE IS RUINED! Not all the Lysol in the free world could have revived our friend, Christmas tree. And really, who wants a tree that smells like "Garden Mist"? Not exactly conveying a Christmas ambiance with that gem sittin' front stage in your living room!) Maizy was such a lover though. She brought me Kleenex and cleaned my tears, and said with such youthful optimism..."It's ok momma....we'll just get another one!" (Clearly my 3 year old isn't up to speed on the economy and looming DEPRESSION on our hands! MONEY DOESN'T GROW ON "TREES" , KID!) J/K......Oh, what I wouldn't give for that mind set! She teaches me so much everyday! My teacher.....THE 3 YEAR OLD! Go figure!)

Not only was she loving on me, but per usual, the Holy Spirit was faithful to as well. I wanted so badly to curl up in the fetal position and soak in this depressing moment. But the Holy Spirit whispered to me in between "feeling sorry for my self wales": " Megan, that life is gone....dead. I am doing a new thing in you. Around you. A new, fresh life awaits you. One that will be lasting, more beautiful and beyond your wildest dreams! Exceedingly and abundantly more......."


Allowing hurt to be there is actually God's way of "molding" us into His image. I hate hurting, as I am sure you do as well. But if we avoid it, if we run from it, we miss the message, the blessing, the "growth".

Christmas tree.....I say my good byes to you. You were there for a life that helped to create me from a selfish young women into a woman that desires her children to live. To not just live, though. To live with purpose, peace and hope in their home. To live for that which you represented to me in this house hold: warmth, life, legacy, beauty, reflection, celebration and ultimately love! Thank you for your place in this life of mine.....but God has new plans for this life. Fresh plans, fresh starts, fresh cuts....(even if they are artificial and bought at JCPenny. God is God....He can use anything, and will! Just look at me.....I'm a perfect example! Thank you God. I love you!)

This picture is such a poor depiction of what I was blessed to look at so many nights.
It is a celestial/Heavenly feast......BUT....God has something EVEN better ahead!!!!!!! Bye Christmas tree.....thank you- for you.


Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, and I just want to encourage you on your mission to offer comfort and hope to other families who grieve for their little ones. I have been blessed to create a ministry after the loss of my three children, Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Our ministry is Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. and we offer the Dreams of You Memory Book, Comfort Bears and other Bereavement materials for parents who lose a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Please visit my blog to read our family's story: Thank you for the work you are doing to offer comfort and hope. It is so needed.

Praying God's Continued Comfort for you and your Family...

In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken

Sustainable Juice said...

Its hard when something that seemed to be a constant "always will be there thing" all of a sudden is not. Its always amazes me how God says the right things at the right time to bring us to life again. I pray that He continues to do that to you this Christmas.

Devon Rene said...

please feel free to add me to your list and i will gladly add your button to my blog.

i am so sorry about your sweet little boy....

carissa... brown eyed fox said...

i am SO sorry about your Christmas tree... it was MORE than a "tree"!

i think it is okay for children to see us cry... what better example of... living... being in the moment... allowing us "to be molded"... all i know... you are an amazing mom and i KNOW there is a fresh new tree out there that Macsen would love too!

i was "taken" by this post... your words... your heart!

many blessings to you & this fresh new month ahead!