Thursday, November 6, 2008

{tHiS jOuRnEy I aM oN}

This journey I am on, is mine. It is one with characters I would not have chosen for it, it has chapters I would have much rather deleted, and it has climaxes that have been gripping me right to the very end. I take a great deal of comfort in knowing, however, that my story, my journey, is not yet done.

I can look back on my life and see so much mercy it even now causes me to shake my head with disbelief. What radical living I did. Not radical in a good sense, but radical in it's complete selfish, destructive and ungrateful aroma. Living for myself, no matter the cost. Doing as I please, because "I pleased". Coming and going when and where I chose to. Thinking of no one other then myself.....and coming to the end of the day and scratching my head in confusion,as to why I wasn't feeling fulfilled? Until....

One day the Lord visited me in a very public and very shameful moment in my life. I will never, as long as I live forget what I heard Him say to me. He said, "Megan.....you, yes, you.....are sooooo much more then this. I have something for you that is far greater then anything you have known! You are mine, and this is so beneath you!" Well, if you have ever heard the very voice of God speak as clearly to you,as I did in that moment, you know how it is all you can do to comprehend it, let alone react to it! But, react I did. I listened to Him, and I had no reason not to believe Him, and to this day, still do not. Everything He is, says, does, and has for each and everyone of us, is all for us, because of His great and endless love for us! The key is getting past the, "well then why....?" questions, and the, "well if only......?"

That was the beginning of a very slow, sometimes rocky journey of faith in following Him. What else is there, really I thought? I remember, my brother, Angus would hear what I would have to say, or see me do something faith oriented, and say, "Megan....you are a zealot!" At the time, I was sord of offended, although my ignorance to it's meaning kept me from too much offense. But looking at it now, (and in all my most profound, grounded and sound theological thinking, NOT) I think, "Thank you! Whatever in the world could be more important then seeking out the One who is the very reason my heart beats?"

And as this journey of mine continues to unfold, I face the extreme reality of my only son's exodus Home. I face it with a choice before me....1} I can curl up in the fetal position, run from what God is doing in this, and how He might use this hurt to bring Himself glory or 2} I can embrace it and be submissive to Him using me and my experience to help others. To quote one of my most beloved bible teachers, and a hero in the faith, Beth Moore:

"Every time we suffer loss, we have an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed."

FATHER GOD, USE ME, USE MACSEN, USE MY VERY LIFE AND THE GREATEST BLESSING TO BRING YOU MUCH GLORY, THAT YOU, JESUS WOULD BE REVEALED. MAY OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN CALLED TO THIS PATH OF GRIEVING THEIR CHILD WOULD COME TO KNOW YOU, AND YOUR UNMATCHABLE LOVE FOR THEM. OPEN MY HEART AND EYES TO THE VISION YOU HAVE TO DRAW CLOSE TO THE HURTING, AND REVEAL TO THEM YOUR CAPABLE, SAFE, AND FAITHFUL ARMS. TO YOU BE THE GLORY, FOREVER, AND EVER. AMEN

This journey I am on is mine.......and I wouldn't trade it for anything! (I have Heaven waiting for me....why would I? And my sweet little man to hold there! I will see you soon Macsen! I love you! Keep praying for mommy!)

3 comments:

Tiffany said...

Beautful Baby Macsen and your girls... beautiful ministry... beautiful blog. There is always such a need for outreach to broken hearts. I love your idea.

Yes, we lost a baby boy. It was a defining moment in my life. There are posts about it, or mentioning it, on my blog from time to time. Psalm 40:1-3 helps me and has all along my journey in grief.

Blessings to you and thank you for coming to my blog. Tiffany

Molly said...

Beautiful post:)
I enjoyed reading your blog.

carissa... brown eyed fox said...

the wonderful... indescribable promise of Heaven... a gift like no other!
a BEAUTIFUL post Megan!
thank you for sharing your story & touching so many!

i wanted to make sure you get my massages... might peek in your "junk" mail... they sometimes go there! :)

xo